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If others are interested, I just started working with "The Mindfullness & Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety", which is It is based on ACT. I just bought it this week and only started with it today. It includes a CD with mindfulness meditations. I think acceptance is something I have never been able to do for myself. Additionally, I signed up for a Mindfulness workshop that starts this Saturday. It's been years since I signed up for something that was not "academic" or "professional" but rather for self-care. I'm a bit nervous but also really excited.

Hello hypervigilante,

This is an interesting question/topic. I'm not sure I have much to contribute as relationships have always been difficult for me. I've managed to have a few serious ones, but not very long-lasting, and I've never been married. The one piece of progress is that my recent ex-boyfriend is still a close friend and we continue to support each other when necessary. Apart from a few close friends, he is one of the only people I can truly trust and who seems to accept me (and my issues). That is a huge outcome (and comfort). Similar to C., my break ups have always been a huge trigger (abandonment, rejection, not good enough, etc.) so it is an area I've struggled with my whole life. I am hopeful that my ability to trust and build an intimate relationship gets better and grows as I recover.

I was pleased to read your post and see that you have a partner who supports and loves you unconditionally. He sounds like a gem. 

When you wreak havoc in my life by getting angry, lashing out and getting drunk and disorderly, I know you are trying to get my (or maybe someone else's?) attention, but it is really messing things up. I get us out of one hole and you dig another one. I am not sure how we can keep doing this rebel rebel act. What can I do to make you feel better or safe? Please tell me. Is it just anger hiding your fear and pain? I wish I could help you. Living in a 48 year-old body/mind and then acting out like a 15 year-old angry brat going to ruin us. I feel at a loss of what to do make you feel better and stop sabotaging things. Please help me, help you. 

 

I'm thinking of you, bheart.

Thanks C and Bee. It just helps to be heard and not judged.

Bee, I think you and I share some similarities with family/mom dynamics.

I would either have to create chaos, or live with the feeling of impending doom.

That pattern rings true, for sure.

I'm beginning to think that I have anxiety all of the time, which gets triggered when I drink because I am otherwise seem completely oblivious to it on a day to day basis (so, when drunk anything will trigger me, even something minor which is what happened). I usually only drink once a week, but I need to find something else to relax and let go with on a Friday or Saturday night.

Going for a long walk after a work week on a Friday sounds like a good one. I'm only recognizing recently that I live with these feelings of anxiety on a daily basis (even if they are typically low level). I really had no idea that this was my constant state of being. I can also get quite euphoric when things are going well and that might be something I need to pay attention to as well.

Thank you for the insight.

Very interesting, bheart. Glad you shared this. I've had a few people like this in my live before.

Hi folks,

This weekend was a disaster and it makes me wonder what self-destructive behaviours are linked to. Self-loathing? Familiar patterns? Flashbacks? Drinking is a dangerous game for me and I need to get out of the denial. NOW.

I got severely drunk on Friday night and created chaos at my apartment building. I got a warning from my landlord (absolutely deserved) and a police report for a disturbance. I've spent the last two days apologizing and feeling absolutely despicable about myself. I've decided to quit drinking for quite awhile since it seems to feed into my rebellious teenager antics (not attractive) and complete loss of self-control over my behaviours and actions. I feel sick to my stomach. Horrified at myself. Not sure how to get past these feelings today. Any thoughts or words of wisdom would be highly appreciated. It's like one step forward, two steps back. I don't understand this need to self destruct when things are going well. UGH. 

ETA: I just wanted to add that I see my binge drinking in a few ways. One is that it allows me to let go and dive into my feelings with fatal results. Two, I do believe it is rooted in my teenage years and has a self-harm (obliterate or drown myself) aspect to it. And three, it is one of the only ways I will let go so it is a bizarre counterpoint to my controlling and perfectionist tendencies.

Thank you Rrecovery. I am having weird and wonderful breakthroughs while still having some really "life sucks" kind of days.

EMDR is a lifesaver. I've only had two sessions, but as time progresses, I am surprised at how well it is working. A lot of it is subconscious. Subtle. I am not triggering like I was 4 weeks ago. Even my coworkers have noticed that I'm not as agitated -- more at peace and socially engaged. It is a very strange experience. I was typically angry quite a lot of the time. But that has gone by the wayside for some reason. I have more confidence and I am more present. Not sure what is up there. I'll keep updating but don't feel like a prisoner of my past triggers like I did a few weeks ago. I am grateful for this shift, but a bit confounded by it t be honest. Oh, and I signed up to eHarmony, which is a bizarre thing to do !

bheart, this book is amazing. I just got it out of the library. It will be a keeper! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for responding keepfighting.

My niece is 27 with two children of her own and a partner. Her mom (my sister) lives with all of them. She is pretty good with boundaries (for herself) which I am happy to see. She doesn't want to hear anything bad about her mom. I'm fine with that as I'm not inclined to say bad things about my older sister as she too suffers from the effects of living with an abusive/alcoholic/narcissistic mother.

However, my concern is that she won't trust the boundaries that I need toI've set with her, which is not to discuss me or anything we talk about with my mother (her grandma), which might also mean not discussing it with her mom (as my mom likes to suck information about me from everyone). I've explained that my mom is still abusive to me and that she uses information given to her as ammunition.

I'm okay not discussing family or history with her, but I'm afraid that she won't respect my need for privacy and my no contact policy with my grandma or siblings. It seems too complicated!

I am trying to figure out how the heck to have a relationship with my niece (sister's daughter). She doesn't want me to talk about the negative stuff in my family but wants to have a relationship? Not sure how to do this. I love her and she is an innocent in all of this. Advice?

Hi Lonewolf    I'm glad this thread has been helpful.

I have practiced mindfulness and meditation for many years now.  There are many ways to do both (though it's most often done using the breath as the anchor).  Since the adrenaline addiction awareness I have been using "tension in the body" as my anchor.  When I become aware of it I relax it.  My energy is up, motivation up, sleep improved, depression - none! 

I can't wrap my head around mindfulness or mediation, yet, but maybe you can help me. I sincerely find so much of what I am discovering here so overwhelming since it means I have to do so much work to become a better person compared to my friends who had a much more normal childhood. It is helpful to have all of this information (which I am grateful for) but then I am not sure what to do with "it" all on top of everything else that is "wrong" with me (sorry for the cynicism, but I do find all of this so overwhelming at times).

This discussion is very interesting. I can relate to a majority of it. The article is quite enlightening. I get bored quite easily. I do things at the very last minute. I'm used to drama in my relationships. I had not considered the adrenaline aspect but it makes a lot of sense for people dealing with CPTSD. I plan on integrating this into my recovery. Thanks for sharing.

To answer my own question, I think some of it comes from my own family (or other people in the world) dismissing the gravity of how an abusive mother might affect a child. Essentially, they lack the awareness or understanding. But I also realize that my inner child will be devastated to learn that her mom didn't love her enough (or just couldn't love her for whatever reason) to be on her side no matter what. That is a painful realization. It really is.

This is profound and really resonates with me. The messages I heard all my life were that everyone has problems and complaints about their parents. I thought there was nothing out of the ordinary about my situation. Hah! 

So true how devastating it is to realize that it is true that mom didn't love you enough. I think I have been roaming around in that devastation-land for the past few months since finding OOTS.
There is a feeling of hope in finding that there truly were traumas and I can begin the process of healing.
There is also a feeling of despair to know the  reality of it all.

Thank you for your comments, Whobuddy, and my apologies for the delay in responding. "Roaming around in that devastation-land" is a pretty profound description of the experience.

I'm having a very troubled week. Rejection is a tough one. I'm facing it a lot with my family lately since I am voicing my pain and anger about my mother's abuse.  I feel my throat closing up and my heart shutting down because people who I am supposed to love/be loved (family) refuse to listen to me or let me speak. It's painful to realize that people don't want to engage with you when you tell the truth about your own experience. I am feeling rejected AGAIN. It's really painful. I feel so ganged up on by my family. As though they are all talking behind closed doors about this troubled person (me) in their family. I keep talking about these darn Nancy Drew books on the forum that I bought for my IC to make her happy, but now I am wondering what the heck I bought them for? So I can escape? I hate feeling this messed up. I thought I was making progress, but now I am not sure. I think I am going backwards in time.