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Thanks everyone 

So I realized a couple weeks ago that it was not in fact all of the conflict in my family that took such a psychological toll on me (though God knows that did its fair share of damage), but rather the fact that both my parents and my younger sister used me as their "emotional dumpster" if you will, since I was very little. They used me to meet their needs, so much so that I always felt like more of a parent to all three of them than their child. My entire identity for 21 years has been caregiver, which is why I have severe intimacy issues today, nightmares, a boatload of pain and anger that I can't even direct at anyone because my family did not do it on purpose to hurt me. It's also why I only ever feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm taking care of people.

I've learned some healthy coping mechanisms but I need to rant a little because I had a very unexpected trigger yesterday. My best friend's 4 month old daughter had to be hospitalized malnutrition, and my heart just breaks for them. Which is obviously totally normal when you care about someone. But I also out of the blue started freaking out because out of stupid habit I felt like I had to do everything in my power to fix the situation but since I can't, I just feel completely helpless. I also freaked out because my friend is the only confidant or means of support that I have in this world and she will be out of commission for quite a while. So all these feelings of abandonment and guilt (why guilt?!) resurfaced all at once and I was right back to square one and nearly went back to some self destructive coping mechanisms. I know I'll let it go because none of my worries are grounded and my friend isn't leaving me forever and there's nothing I can do to heal her child, all I can do is be there to support her. But even that is so exhausting somehow because I'm so used to "support" meaning draining all of the life out of myself to help my parents or sister (especially my mom). I don't know how to help people without losing myself. Ugh and yesterday started out so good too.  Anywho rant over just wanted to get it out of my head.

I know I'm a little late to the thread, I've been away a bit doing some of my own processing.

Wife #2, just reading this now. That was all helpful. Thank you for sharing. It's good to know someone found something that helped them heal some.

Struggling so much right now. I know it's not good that I only come on here to rant when I'm really not okay. I have had some good days since the last time I posted a journal. I'm sorry I don't talk about the good stuff as much, it's just that when I have good days I don't want to be around anything that reminds me of my demons. I'm keeping a steady job that's going really well and I haven't missed paying any bills yet. Those were two basic things I used to worry about a lot - it's a great feeling to know I can take care of myself financially and be responsible. I'm even considering going back to school to pursue a better paying career in healthcare. 

However...

I've "relapsed" in a couple of areas pretty bad and I'm really scared that I'm going to make a stupid mistake one of these days. I don't remember how much we are allowed to share details on here so I'll try to be vague but I'm really struggling with extreme urges to self harm. I had issues with that in high school but I never allowed myself to do it to the point where I got addicted. Then it wasn't an issue for a couple years but now it's back stronger than ever and I don't know what triggered it. I feel like it's just because I am in so much pain and I feel like I deserve it. And it just keeps hitting me out of the blue, like today - I had a pretty good day and was in a good mood and then now all of a sudden I am in so much pain and I relapsed and I feel so weak. Like physically weak.

I also realized I've become a perfectionist, obsessing over every little mistake I make because I'm trying to make people love me to make up for the hole in my heart from my FOO. I know part of this is because the holidays were so exhausting, spending so much time with my family and all. But it's so stupid because I know that's not the way to get people to love me. And part of me knows I might never get that hole filled. UGhhhhhh.

I feel so alone. Not like I'm the only one with these issues - I know a lot of people going through similar issues but they are all people I would never want to be like - they are so angry and hateful and I don't want to be like that. I just hurt so much and I wonder if I'll ever heal  I'm lonely. I talk to my best friend a little bit about it sometimes but she just had her first baby and is exhausted most of the time so I've backed off and I'm trying not to rant my troubles on her very often. Not that talking really helps anyway.

Anyway. Does anyone have any good suggestions for something to do when you feel like self harming? I listen to music and work out but sometimes that's just not enough. Any other suggestions would be great too.

Blueberry - It does help, thank you <3 Sorry you relate but it's kinda nice not to be the only one.

[*Trigger Warning*]

Thank you everyone, your support means a lot. I just feel so insane sometimes but I guess it is a normal response to an abnormal situation. <3

Just out of curiosity, has anyone who is as sleep deprived as I am ever had any serious physical harm come of it? Because I honestly cannot go to sleep at a decent time when the emotional pain gets so bad. I mean I can try to fall asleep but the pain is 10x worse and turns into awful dreams if I don't release it a little somehow before bed. And that usually takes hours. Which I know isn't healthy (and wow Candid I hadn't realized how much it impacts me but now that you mention it it really does). But am I really doing that much damage? I don't know how else to handle the chaos in my head. I feel like if I didn't stay up really late listening to music and exercising hard I would end up self-harming.

*Trigger Warning* Honestly I'm ashamed to admit it but when I get to a certain place mentally I have this overwhelming urge to physically hurt myself. I've only cut or hit myself a couple times, and I guess that's why exercise helps so much. It exhausts me but it also physically hurts enough to relieve the emotional pain without causing physical damage. I feel horrible about that because I never thought I'd be an emo cutter or anything but it is a very real struggle. (*hugs* to anyone who deals with self-harm by the way, that * is real.) I mean even though I'm not actively harming myself I almost constantly feel like I should be.

But anyways how am I supposed to just quietly go to bed at a decent time when everything in me wants to hurt myself or die?

So I moved out of my toxic family in July. I still can't believe I did it. A year ago that scared me more than anything on this earth. But I guess pain and insanity eventually pushes a person to the point where they need to leave so their brain goes 3rd person just long enough so they can get out. But anywho... I did it and I'm so glad I did.

That being said I'm dealing with a ton of mental and emotional crap that I hoped would go away when I left. I think I can honestly say I have forgiven my family and am moving on. It's still tough when I see them once in awhile but when I'm not around them, or when they aren't constantly texting me, I can almost forget about them in a healthy way and live my own life. But my nightmares are ongoing. I've found some stuff that helps a little, if I stay up past midnight exhausting myself with Netflix bingeing and exercise, and get up before 8, I usually don't get into a sound enough sleep to have the worst kinds of dreams. But I guess that's not really healthy either. And the emotional pain... holy freaking * I do not understand what is wrong with me. I can be halfway fine at work and then when I'm home alone or driving alone or anywhere alone it hits me, sometimes suddenly and other times it creeps up on me as a dull ache of the chest, growing to an unbearable soul-wrenching agony. And I'm not a drama queen I promise. I can't figure out where it's coming from or what I'm doing wrong. I feel like it's out of my control completely which makes it so much worse. I don't want to go on meds or see a therapist really. Talking to a friend helps a lot but it is still an ongoing problem. I hope it passes with time.

Elizabeth,
My experience with nightmaes was similar to yours.  I would experience night sweats and have terribly violent dreams that became throughout my recovery more clear.  It may seem completely unrelated to your trauma in the beginning because what is happening involves other people and not your abuser but as you progress in recovery you will have dreams of the abuser as you resolve the abuse within yourself from that person and externally with the person.
Night sweats are associated with night terrors.  The definition of night terrors is sketchy in that it covers a broad spectrum of disorders including sleep paralysis but also panic attacks waking up feeling as though you cannot breathe, sweating prodfusely after horribly vivid nightmares and being exhausted the next day.
Of course, you will be exhausted after fighting for survival in a dream all night; that is not a restful sleep.

I can tell you they get better.  Last night I had a dream about my abuser and I was exposing her, outsmarting her, verbally fighting her and winning.  That is awesome! 
Here's a hug and try to rest after these episodes.  If you are working I think it is important to tell your boss not necessarily what the trauma involved but tell her you have a sleep disorder because the exhaustion could affect your performance. Sleep is the most essential component in recovery.  To remain clearly focused we must get adequate sleep.  I require 9-10 hours.

All that makes a lot of sense, thank you. I am working nearly full time, and my mental struggles have been affecting me way more than I thought they would. I don't really want to tell my supervisor about it but you might be right that I should. I like the idea of just saying it's a sleep disorder or something along those lines. That would be a lot easier than trying to explain without freaking her out. Again, thanks for the help and the hope and the hugs, I appreciate it 

I won't go into too much detail, but I think I might have an early stage of Meniere's Disease (a severe inner ear disease). I've had ear issues since I was little but they have been getting progressively worse over the last 2 years or so. I'm going to get checked out as soon as I can. But I'm curious - do any of you have chronic ear/inner ear issues? They say stress makes inner ear disorders worse, and lord knows I've had way too much stress since forever. I don't want to tell the audiologist or ENT about my abusive past or sleep issues but if it is impacting my ear health I feel like I maybe should. What are your experiences with this and do you have any advice for me?

I'm not sure which thread to post this in so I hope this is alright. I've always closed myself off to the idea of dating or getting married. Partly because as a child my dad was super over protective and always got really depressed and pouty when he talked about the possibility of his daughters getting married someday... so I felt like I would be a bad daughter if I hurt "daddy" by leaving him. I've only recently realized how screwed up that is. Part of the issue goes beyond my F though, I'm also terrified of being intimate (sexually, but also emotionally) with men. Like it scares the crap out of me. Not to be weird, but even though I have a pretty strong sex drive I don't think I could ever do it for real. Which is stupid because I'm 20 years old, but it's the truth. I've had 2 guys be interested in me over the last couple of months and I turned them both down. I just don't want to deal with the drama of a relationship and I'm sure no guy could really be caring or supportive enough to be worth pushing through my fears to give it a try. I'm wondering if that's normal for abuse victims? Or what your thoughts are on why it's such an issue for me? Sometimes I get really lonely and think it might be great to have a guy to love and care for me because no one ever has but then my subconscious is like, "nah, no guys like that exist and you're fine on your own anyways. It's not worth it, you'd regret it."

Thank you for your insights and support, crohnie! I really appreciate it. 

I get nightmares all the time, sometimes every night for weeks straight. Wish I could share something that helps but the only thing that seems to help me is when I talk about my struggles and receive support from a good friend of mine. Sometimes I sleep better those nights. But other than that I want to reassure you that you aren't alone and I hope your psychologist can help <3 

Thank you sanmagic7 

lisbeth: sorry you relate but thanks for the support. Honestly I'm too scared to get a therapist - I'm pretty sure most of the people in my life would discourage that idea, and I don't think I could stomach doing it secretly. I hate doing things the few people I actually trust don't know about, especially a very good friend of mine. Was it therapy that gave you memory breakthroughs?

I never thought I'd get to the point where I'd be brave enough to  move out of my toxic family. But now it's official - I'm moving on July 8th. And I feel awful about it. I know it's not my job to protect her but I hate leaving my mom to be abused. My sister is a narcissist (pretty sure also a sociopath) and a drama queen and I'm afraid she'll try to manipulate me into feeling horrible by saying how much she misses me and being all sad and mopey. And my F is another story entirely that I don't feel like talking about right now. All in all the "goodbye scene" isn't likely to be pretty, and I'm pretty sure I'll have an epic breakdown once I'm alone. I'm excited to have my own space and be away from all the fighting, but I'm also struggling way more with the guilt and fear than I thought I would. It seems like every time I get excited and happy and am having a good day, something awful happens.

I've also not been sleeping well at all. I've had nightmares at least several times a week for almost 2 years now, but the last few weeks have been particularly intense. Somehow bad dreams are exhausting and that just makes stress 10 times harder to handle. I hope they go away once I move.

I have a good friend I'm going to see tomorrow, I'll probably vent to her some, that always helps. But I also don't want to burden her too much because she's pregnant and I don't want to stress her out or expect her to help as well as she normally would.

Anyways I know I'll live but I'm just really not doing well at the moment.