Thank you all for your posts and all the warm "welcomes". It comes as a great encouragement to know that I am not alone. It was difficult for me to share given that I am usually quite quiet about this kind of stuff, but I am so happy that I did. I felt a great relief as soon as I did and all your kind words were an added bonus. I am so grateful for this forum and look forward to sharing more as time goes on.
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Please Introduce Yourself Here / Battling the shame
March 15, 2015, 04:57:16 AM
Hi all.
I want to say first and foremost, thank you all for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to share your stories. I know this because I feel completely vulnerable right now. I have started writing my story a dozen times and each time I delete it because I feel completely ashamed. Even though logically I know that I am on a forum that is completely safe and non-judgememental, there is something broken inside of me. I go through and pretend to be strong because growing up that was the only way I knew how to survive. Now as an adult, I have not learned that I am truly safe yet. Even though I arm removed from the dangers, my logical thoughts have not caught up with me yet.
I have a therapist. She believes I have C-PTSD. I agree. I was incorrectly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in the past. That was very devastating for me and it didn't make much sense. However, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. That makes more sense to me. Honestly, I was relieved. C-PTSD is an injury. I'm injured. People have wronged me. People who I loved and trusted.
My mother. I am sure she has some type of PD. However, she refused help even though I begged her to get it. So I do not know what she has with complete certainty, but I guess it would be schizotypal with a tint of narcism. When I was a child she was very abusive and neglectful. I believe my father has Autism. He is very passive and uninvolved. My mother and father split when I was 10. They both found love with alcoholics, even though neither one of them drank. So my mother's boyfriend and my stepmother were abusive too. Each in their own way. My mother's boyfriend was very aggressive, my stepmother passive.
I was sexually abused by "friends of the family". My mother's boyfriend tried on several occasions to seduce me. When I told my mother about it. she blamed me. She told me in so many words that is how men are and I should have known better. She raised me to believe that men were animals. Fortunately, I do not have a relationship with my mother anymore. It was her choice ~10 years ago. Although I was devastated by her choice, I think now it was for the best. My mother was toxic. It hurts to say it, but I am better without her.
I got away. I have severed ties with many of the family members who were toxic. I feel guilt and shame for it, but know I am a better person for it. I moved away when I was 18. I got a degree in the health field. I worked hard to get where I am. I got married ~4 years ago to a wonderful man. I got settled in my career and things slowed down. And that's when it happened. I had a complete emotional/psychological breakdown. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. I am told that is what happens when life slows down. Your past catches up with you.
I had a complete break with reality. I thought people were after me. I was completely delusional. I still feel shame because I had temporarily lost my mind. I have told no one. It's like this deep dark secret. The only people that know are my family and my husband. I am afraid if anyone knew that I had temporarily lost touch with reality, that I would no longer be respected. In my mind, I would no longer deserve respect. I know that this is my own insecurities, logically. Emotionally, I am in disgrace. It is something that I am working on, but by no means there yet.
I am hoping that sharing my story will get me that much closer to healing. What a relief it is to know that I am not the only one. I have read many of your stories, so I felt that it is only fair to share mine and be completely honest. I suspect that I will share more as I read more threads and as time goes on. I look forward to hearing any feedback that you may have. Thank you for reading my post.
I want to say first and foremost, thank you all for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to share your stories. I know this because I feel completely vulnerable right now. I have started writing my story a dozen times and each time I delete it because I feel completely ashamed. Even though logically I know that I am on a forum that is completely safe and non-judgememental, there is something broken inside of me. I go through and pretend to be strong because growing up that was the only way I knew how to survive. Now as an adult, I have not learned that I am truly safe yet. Even though I arm removed from the dangers, my logical thoughts have not caught up with me yet.
I have a therapist. She believes I have C-PTSD. I agree. I was incorrectly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in the past. That was very devastating for me and it didn't make much sense. However, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. That makes more sense to me. Honestly, I was relieved. C-PTSD is an injury. I'm injured. People have wronged me. People who I loved and trusted.
My mother. I am sure she has some type of PD. However, she refused help even though I begged her to get it. So I do not know what she has with complete certainty, but I guess it would be schizotypal with a tint of narcism. When I was a child she was very abusive and neglectful. I believe my father has Autism. He is very passive and uninvolved. My mother and father split when I was 10. They both found love with alcoholics, even though neither one of them drank. So my mother's boyfriend and my stepmother were abusive too. Each in their own way. My mother's boyfriend was very aggressive, my stepmother passive.
I was sexually abused by "friends of the family". My mother's boyfriend tried on several occasions to seduce me. When I told my mother about it. she blamed me. She told me in so many words that is how men are and I should have known better. She raised me to believe that men were animals. Fortunately, I do not have a relationship with my mother anymore. It was her choice ~10 years ago. Although I was devastated by her choice, I think now it was for the best. My mother was toxic. It hurts to say it, but I am better without her.
I got away. I have severed ties with many of the family members who were toxic. I feel guilt and shame for it, but know I am a better person for it. I moved away when I was 18. I got a degree in the health field. I worked hard to get where I am. I got married ~4 years ago to a wonderful man. I got settled in my career and things slowed down. And that's when it happened. I had a complete emotional/psychological breakdown. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. I am told that is what happens when life slows down. Your past catches up with you.
I had a complete break with reality. I thought people were after me. I was completely delusional. I still feel shame because I had temporarily lost my mind. I have told no one. It's like this deep dark secret. The only people that know are my family and my husband. I am afraid if anyone knew that I had temporarily lost touch with reality, that I would no longer be respected. In my mind, I would no longer deserve respect. I know that this is my own insecurities, logically. Emotionally, I am in disgrace. It is something that I am working on, but by no means there yet.
I am hoping that sharing my story will get me that much closer to healing. What a relief it is to know that I am not the only one. I have read many of your stories, so I felt that it is only fair to share mine and be completely honest. I suspect that I will share more as I read more threads and as time goes on. I look forward to hearing any feedback that you may have. Thank you for reading my post.
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