Quote from: foolscapfire on April 29, 2017, 09:04:17 PM
Hi everyone. My name is Katie. I am new to this community. I have struggled with depression, panic and anxiety and low self esteem/perfectionism my whole life. I am 48 years old and have been on every anti-depressant and on klonopin for years. Nothing has worked. I am currently with a great therapist who has diagnosed me as having CPSTD. I grew up in a violent household and with a narcissistic mother. We were also very poor. I started drinking alcohol and using substances at 12 years old. I got sober at 34 and have been ever since. I went to college then law school, I have accomplished a lot career wise. I have friends who love me and treat me with care and respect.....but I NEVER feel good enough. I am in a near constant state of anxiety and fear. I focus like a laser on the reactions and comments of others. I am hypervigilant when I leave the house even to go to the grocery store. I put on a mask that I am confident and cool, but inside I feel like I'm going to explode. I have been having health problems including severe pain and acid production in my stomach which I have actually experienced on and off for years, and now lesion on my left kidney. Even when I'm alone in my room with my dog and cat I can't seem to relax and am constantly thinking about what I "should" be doing that is productive etc... I hate myself and I often wish that I wasn't on the planet. My sister suffers from much of the same stuff.
I know that this post is long, but I'm really suffering and needed to reach out. I am currently jobless, and my money is running out. I am an attorney by trade and actually dread getting a job, even though I have been rigorously putting out resumes, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it. My reading comprehension has diminished rapidly and my memory is shot.
I hope that I can get some strength and hope from this community, and also provide strength and hope to this community.
Thank You for reading.
Hi Katie,
It is almost the same in here ...
although i'm an architect
hence drawings is the main way of communication with ( others ) when it comes to work ...
but i lost speech ...
i just stopped talking since 2 yrs ...
i believe it began after losing interest in talking or expressing ...
then it developed to losing the ability to talk afterward ...
when i rarly talk to my self while at home ... it takes time and lots of efforts ...
and always sounds funny ...
so i can't communicate with clients anymore ...
or with others in general ...
let slone the rest of personels involove in the work process ...
in addition, im starting to lose the ability to express as well, even in writting , due lack of concentration i believe.
can't focus on anything now more than a minute long ...
i used to believe that ill get over this ...
i used to tell my self :
get up * it ...
you are better than this ...
you know deep in your heart that you don't deserve this ...
but the words are lost ...and sounds faded away ...
then it stopped ...
Dear Katie
As ( Slim E ) wished you above ...
i do too wish Lots of healing energies beaming towards you...
but in silent mood.