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One big issue I have is that because I lack certain self-regulating and self-soothing behaviors I can overreact to small situations. 

This has definitely improved with mindful breathing, releasing trapped anger and fear (rage); CBT/ affirmations; and forming self-nurturing habits like keeping water with me wherever I go, packing snacks to prevent low blood sugar, and using the Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping).

However... sometimes I self-soothe at the expense of feeling legitimate anger and fear.  For instance, some one will say a put down or try to gaslight me.  I self-soothe and then I don't really process what just happened to me and normalize the person's behavior towards me.  I justify that "I was overreacting."  Sure, some people who are legitimately good people gaslight on accident (they're angry and they say "you NEVER do anything nice for people."  Then they clearly identify what they did and apologize later without being prompted... that's a great sign! 

But there are a lot of people who are manipulative and don't respect boundaries...and lack that self-awareness. 

And when they are being abusive or disrespectful for me, I think it's in my best interest to feel my anger in that moment so that I know intuitively to avoid people like this.  The key thing is not acting aggressively or with hostility but still acknowledging the anger and feeling it in the situation...

Has anyone else experienced this situation where you find that there are instances when it is important to learn from your emotions rather than try to soothe them in the moment? 

I was doing a lot of IC work and discovered that my 6 yo self really wanted me to be a "mermaid princess."  This was my idealized vision of myself that connected forwards into my teen self-concept as well.  Mermaid princess became "Megan Fox" and prince Eric became "Bad boy misunderstood heroes with pick-up trucks and tattoos." 

What I realized is that unless I looked and acted like this idealized image of my reality then I hated myself.  Well, I was in for a ride!

Try being gay and an overweight compulsive overeater while maintaing that anything short of Princess Ariel's life is horrid and wretched... I was in for a wild ride of self-hatred!!!!

I finally connected all the dots yesterday at a therapy session.  I was floored.  My self-hatred in part stems from an inability to live up to my IC's idealized image of myself.  WOW!

It also doesn't help that the adults in my life growing up shared a similar idealized image of what a woman should look and act like....  and used oppressive and abusive tactics to try and shape me to be that person.  My uBPDm, probably with some good intentions, would restrict my access to food because I was chubby.  She didn't realize I was obese as a child because there was a scarcity of nurture and safety in our home.  She thought it was because there was too much food.  Then she layered on the scarcity of resources to everything else!  This only exacerbated the problem.  My mom was the victim of severe physical abuse growing up and she dealt with childhood obesity in her own life experience.  I have a lot of empathy and compassion for her and have learned to forgive her.  BUT this doesn't mean I let her continue to harm me.  I just "get" why she did what she did and I realize she was doing the best she could with the resources she had available to her.  Oh mama! 

Do NOT read all the books at once, uncover all the traumatized feelings at once, tackle all the problems at once, or do anything else trauma-related in one big heaping portion. You want things bite-sized. If you're reading a text, for example, stop reading before you've reached your limit. If you're journaling about your past, stop writing before you've reached your limit. If you're deciding how to fix a problem, stop before... well, you get the picture. Never stretch yourself to your full capacity. You do NOT know what feelings might well up inside of you hours or days afterwards. Do a little, then stop and wait, feeling your mental pulse to see if you're okay, and if anything comes up (anger or the fidgets or misery or grief), deal with that first. Take care of yourself. Always plan ahead so things will happen during the day that nourish or energize you. Your journey to recovery must NOT be a full-tilt race to the finishing line. Make it more like a sauntering stroll through a sunlit park, as much as you can.

Cat!  Thanks!  This post really helped me.  Today I was reading a book on safe vs. unsafe people plus reading through forum posts on OOTF.  These are all good things; however, I reached critical mass and kind of imploded.  I'm just starting to build a support network and in the process I'm hitting a lot of walls and realizing many of my friends are 'fair-weather friends.'  I realized I could only turn to my unBPD mom for support --- in this relationship I'm the GC and she listens and provides me with nurturing (and she has made some serious progress, believe it or not)... but it was against my better judgment.  So, I'm realizing that until I have some safe and supportive allies that are not in my family to talk to about my unNSM, I will need to be gentle with myself and the growth process.  I will be strolling through that sunlit park for the rest of the day!

Thanks again.

Dee