Messages

I can say that my instinct was to figure out my abusive father. It didn't harm me, it helped me understand how and why.

I was the scapegoat because I was strong, I was the only one who could stand up to him and above all *gasp* I was a woman. How dare I?

He had a strong mother who abused him, so seeing and understanding that he was threatened by strong women helped my break the cycle.

It took me years, and I mean years to make sense of my life, the thoughts in my head and my uncontrollable feelings. And I'm still figuring it out. I learned about complex PTSD two days ago and I was relieved.

My first awakening was when I finally figured out my father was a textbook narcissist and psychopath.

This is a second awakening, finally understanding the depth of the damage and identifying how it affects me on a day to day basis. Learning that it isn't normal to think, after every human interaction, how stupid I sound and how worthless I am... it's overwhelming.

It's also terrifying because I've defined myself with that voice. So I necessarily have no idea who I am without it. And despite having cut out my narcissist/psychopath father for 5 years now... it's all coming back.