Messages

I have read a couple of posts on here and many people seem to find value in writing out their story, I am not sure how I feel about writing mine.  In some respect I think it could be helpful to put it on paper and out of my head.  IN other's I fear the emotions of writing it.

Does it help?  If you have done it, how did you feel after it was done?   are there any other suggestions on where to begin to accept your past?
Thanks

Trigger Warning - sexual abuse

HI,

I"m a 44 year old house wife, more specifically I take care of my husband full time.  Our children are all adults and none live with us.  My husband is healthy I just choose to take care of him.  He is in control of our marriage and I am happy with that. I have no idea why I just wrote all that however I will keep it there, it seems important to me now.

I have been diagnose with complete PTSD and have no real idea where to begin in recovery.  I have a therapist and she has taught me some great tools.   My diagnoses came on the heels of a trauma that happened two years ago.  My father came to live with my husband and I because he needed care and no one else would take him.  While he was here he came to believe I was his wife,  he suffers from dementia.   Most people don't flinch when I say he believed I was his wife, they don't even flinch when I tell them about being cornered for a kiss or the constant hand on my thigh as we drove places or the arguing with me because I was not going to bed with him.  For me, I did flinch and lots.  He eventually found another place to go.  MY abusive sister came and took him and "saved him" from me as she says.  When he left I was depressed, couldn't sleep for fear of people coming into my room, cringed when people touched me, started having nightmares and slowly withdrew from society.  My GP suggested therapy.   I entreated therapy and my therapist immediately wanted to dig into flashbacks I was having.  after 8 months I asked her if it was safe to say I was recovering from a trauma and her response was "oh yes, Complex PTsD actually"  I fired her within two weeks and found a new therapist who helped me learn how to ground and feel safe in the world again.  We didn't get into my childhood stuff though.  And now that is all coming up.
My father was a narcissistic alcoholic and my mother was his victim.   Neither one really cared where I was or what I was doing.  I started running away from home when I was younger than 6.  I spent many hours hiding in closet.   When my parents separated when I was 11 I became my mother's care taker.  Both my brother and sister were older and they had other places to be.  I was sexually assault by my brother when I was around 8.  My sister physically, emotionally abused me from the time I was born.   To my parent's this was just sibling fights, nothing major.

so, here i am 44 and have spent a huge amount of energy on detaching from my past.  Most of my therapy to date has been aimed at ignoring it and shoving it further and further into my sub conscious.   in my head, there was nothing wrong with my childhood.  I was happy and proud that my brother picked me to use sexually.  It meant he loved me and I was special right? I was actually sad that he never shared me with his friends.  As an adult I can see the flaw in that thinking.  What I can't see is how to come to terms with what my childhood was.  I have a hard time saying I was abused, let alone believing it.   I am hoping to learn from the forum how other's accept it and move forward.