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I'm really glad this thread is here because just today I was like, "I think next time I date, I won't take the person to any important functions with me because I don't want a memory tainted by my an ex in the future," and then I was like, well...I'd imagine a relationship won't go very well if I'm like, "oh hey, I'm going to my best friend's wedding, I'm not taking you in case we break up later."

I also feel so alone. But I know I shouldn't date and on top of  that, my psychologist has been getting onto me about using men to emotionally stabilize myself when I'm having a hard time with my FOO and I know it's true but I really doubt I am strong enough to correct it right now.

I don't know how we are supposed to get over this utter fear of other humans. Hurting them, being hurt by them, etc. I feel you.

I have to use pretty simple/sweet alarms because it I become startled while waking up my entire day is off.

I don't have anyone I trust to call me every morning.

I am taking it about 8:30 at present. I fall asleep uncontrollably roughly 45 minute after I take it so if I take it much earlier I am going to go to sleep way early.

I suppose I will keep trying and see how it goes. It seems to do better if I take 1/2 every other day. I could try going down to a quarter I suppose. This morning I literally woke up by thinking, "hey, I know that noise." and then realizing it was my alarm clock that plays birds chirping.

I remember very few pieces of my life, but the things I do remember, I remember in great details. But a lot of it is just plain missing.

Yeah, my doctor told me this was a normal symptom of CPTSD. He said that because we memorize everything in traumatic events, things that are in each one tend to bother us more like noise, light, etc. Things that are usually a part of any conflict, we develop a stronger sensitivity for because our brain thinks bright lights and loud noises means war.

Alchemist, the exhaustion is so strong some times. This morning I cannot stop yawning and I know it is because yesterday I was so on edge, this morning I woke up to the crossfit gym below me beating on tires with sledge hammers -_-

Hello, are you living my life?

I just ended a three year relationship and he was giving his number out to girls at the bar and when I got upset and left, it was my fault, because I left...

He's using your weaknesses against you, you don't need him and he's not the one for you. And if he had the audacity to tell you that he got laid the night you broke up, he's petty and you don't need that while you're working on your mental health. You are not crazy, you are on your journey and he doesn't have the skills to go with you.

Hi Ashley! That is one of my sister's names and I very much like it! I hope that we can help you on your hellish journey. Some times when I want to scream but I know I shouldn't I just growl deep in my throat and hope people won't notice, it gives the same satisfaction as yelling.

I have some ideas.

1) Make a default "leaving" speech, when I left my last job I used "time for something different." People don't need to know why you're leaving or where you're doing. It's not their life.

2) I agree that working in an office is easier on my cPTSD than positions where I had to cold call or interact with humans regularly. Maybe you could try a library or an administrator in a fitness club, somewhere that talking isn't expected.

3) It's easier to get a job when you have a job so I would start looking now!

It's natural to wonder what could have been. I suffer a lot of guilt over my life too. But when it comes down to it, you couldn't have known then what you know now, your whole life would have had to go different for you to have had this knowledge in that moment. I would say if there is anyone you have hurt that you can apologize to, do, including yourself. Don't let this person do any more damage to you than has already been done. Tell his memory to F off and start mending your life.

Depakote did that to me. I could never wake up and I was so irritable. I don't know how you're managing it. There are many much newer meds for depression and cPTSD.  If you don't think your therapist is working well for you, don't be afraid to find a new one. Doctors work for you.

He caused the chaos, he was found out, and given that things are getting better for me... he was clearly delivered some consequences.

I have been learning this lesson too where my ex is involved. He did lots of terrible things but my life is getting better now and all I can say to him is "sucks to suck!" We're survivors and we'll keep on surviving!

Thanks guys. I ended up having to lay out of work yesterday because I couldn't stop dissociating, slept from 10 - 4 because I was so exhausted from my episode the night before, but today I am back and feeling fine! I worked with my doctor this morning on my episode and I was able to figured out what triggered it so, there is definitely progress to feel proud of!

I struggle with rage a lot, as well. Usually I'm not even aware of it, I'll get the urge to throw whatever I'm holding and I'm trained myself to be like, wait, something just got to me, and I have to work backwards.

I regret those times in my life where the urge came on too fast and I ended up acting out in violence at whatever was upsetting me.

You're not alone.

I was in a weird mood all day yesterday so I should have known something was coming but I had my first episode since moving out alone. In retrospect it wasn't nearly as bad as ones I have had with other people around but I feel super guilty because I reached out to people who lived near me in case I needed help and trying to example myself to someone who doesn't already know, on short notice, while in an episode is not an ideal situation and now I'm just so worried that my friends think I'm crazy.

On the plus side, after 20 minutes of spastic chatter and panick, I was able to forcibly get "eat and take your meds" through to myself and I took my meds and ate. I've never been able to get myself to take my meds on my own during an episode before, so I am really proud of that victory, but it's not really doing anything with the shame of having shared my crisis with others. I think next time I am glitching I will wait 30 minutes before I request help from another human to avoid spreading what other people might perceive as crazy.

Hi Kada! I'm also coming out of a breakup that, in hindsight, I should have never been in. I often feel the urge to isolate and shut down. All symptoms of our upset, I assume. I'm glad you've finally registered! I look forward to helping you on your journey.