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made an appointment with a therapist that is associated with a group of therapists that does cbt dbt and emdr, apprehensive, the committee in my head keeps rehearsing the session, of course

I knew the facts about my childhood and adolescence, most of them, but I couldn't remember the actual reality of it

thats exactly what its like,  the memories of my childhood feel second hand, like a story i read about someone else, my traumas were mostly from the school system, my parents were in my view unwitting accomplices,  so my mother and i have talked about my childhood extensively, such incidences as 2nd grade valentines day being the only child in the class with no valentines in my box, i have had a huge amount of success with CBT but have not been doing therapy for quite some time, and cannot really afford to start again, but when i was in CBT we didnt focus on the childhood stuff,  i was diagnosed as having bipolar, addictions, and "personality disorder NOS with borderline and anti-social traits"  but i think that c=ptsd more fully explains things. the thing that scares me is that i act out sexually, and if there is sexual abuse in my past im not sure how i would take it, ive got so much on my plate already

most of my childhood is a big blank, wondering if trying to change will make me remember things that are better left forgotten? I have always hated that i can remember, but right now im not so sure

thank you,  just finally knowing that my panic attacks, my anxiety, my social awkwardness, my ineptitude at relationships my inexplicable bouts of unending tears are not because i am the vile debased worthless thing that i thought of myself as is .........is liberating, i have felt so broken and so alone, but just knowing where it comes from is like  losing an anchor from around my neck  .............. the only flashbacks i have are EFs, i had no idea they were flashbacks...............the thought of PTSD NEVER ONCE even crossed my mind, but i have read a lot the last two days.............and it all just fits

I am a 54 year old male, was diagnosed with learning disabilities as a child.  School was traumatic, cannot remember most of my childhood. Became an alcoholic and a drug addict as a young adult.  Diagnosed with bipolar, and "personality not otherwise specified with borderline and antisocial traits" in my thirties. I have had some success with CBT.  Medications would work but always quit working for me.  I stumbled across c ptsd on the net and it seems to fit me.  I have been on disability for over ten years, the reduction in stress due to no longer having to work has helped, but I am very still messed up and looking for ways to improve.