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Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on here. I hope everyone is doing well!    I have made a new friend this year, and as a result I  have realized that I think other people complaining is a trigger for me.     

I am wondering if anyone else has this issue? Especially any forum members who have made significant CPTSD recovery and are at the "end" of the recovery process (I own my own business, am NC with all FOO, both parents are dead now, most people don't even know or say they can't tell I have this CPTSD. But I have it. I feel it inside).

My father used to rage for hours and I would have to stand there and let him rage at me, within a few inches from my face. Often times after he was done, he would feel intense feelings and cry about his childhood and I would have to lay on the bed with him and comfort him (non sexually) emotionally. I'm an empath so I naturally absorbed his feelings when he did this and felt extremely overwhelmed at the time.    I only recently put together the experience of that - having to comfort him - with similar feelings of "being trapped" when a friend complains (if they talk about how they intend to solve their problem / talk about it with a solution focus - I feel ok. It's only when someone wants to tell me something in a complaint with the response expected of "that sucks" or something like that. It can be a complaint about their job, relationship , anything. I can handle it at first and show up as "such a good friend." but I have noticed over time that people start just expecting me to make them feel better and I feel trapped, but in the beginning I was happy to share my insight with them. It's only when I share my insight and that person just keeps calling me to complain that I can't take it and go into a low level EF.

Let's not even talk about 'venting.' I physically cannot handle anyone "venting" to me.

Does anyone else have this trigger?

Thank you all! I hope everyone is well.

JJ

Hi,

**TW - Kidnapping***

I wanted to share some progress that I am really excited about.  Always I thought my M was not the one who caused me my issues, that it was my Ndad who kidnapped and brainwashed my siblings and myself. My M hired a private investigator to find us, and when he did, she told him to not come get my siblings and myself. Later she told me that her therapist told her "Your kids will be fine." My Dad was like a sexless / asexual version of Donald Trump, so he was really terrorizing to her (and us kids).  I grew up horribly abused by his new BPDn/ possibly sociopath wife, and I was Cinderella to her daughter, my stepsister. It was horrible.  It was gaslighting on steroids.  I was the scapegoat.

I was on and off contact with my (I now believe CovertN) M for years, and she recently passed away. After I had set a boundary with her, she limited contact to wishing me happy birthday once a year, and never told me she had cancer for over a year, and neither did my siblings.  I found out by her friend finding my phone number in her phone and calling me telling me my mother was in hospice, and was no longer speaking and "you have very little time but if you want to come across the country one last time to say goodbye....." . I did not go, and she passed away a week later.

This started after my F died 3 years ago, I responded to a very intense covert twisted to blame me email for hiring an attorney regarding the will after my Father died, which he left my older siblings in control of and they were punishing me for speaking out and saying I deserved to be treated better etc.  I had screamed, which made me deserving of the silent treatment etc. as I am sure most of you understand from your own FOO.

At any rate - I realized today in my T appt. that  I was going into a dissociate fog my entire life whenever I thought about my M / or when I would speak to her, because of what I finally heard my T say today (I'm sure that she's said it many times, but for some reason I was able to hear it today) that the reason I have so much trouble understanding my M is because she was COVERT, whereas even though my father was kind of a horrible man in many ways, and he kidnapped me, he was BLACK AND WHITE and therefore I KNEW WHAT HE WAS and it was easier for me to grasp, because I am black and white, and I am not covert.  - Meaning my style is to be direct and assertive, which is what my F was like, and not what my M was like, so she constantly confused me because I did not get her "style".


The connection I was also able to finally hear my T say is that   all  3 of my siblings are COVERT and I am DIRECT, so I am finally seeing things, slowly, in more of an actual clear picture. 

I realized that I had believed for 3 years that I had gone NC with my mother, but after reading the emails between us since my F died, I saw clearly that SHE stopped communicating with ME.  And I am able to see now that it was her COVERTNESS that made her just "go away." 

This feels really great to get more clear and see more clearly.  I've been trying to 'make sense' of things for so long, and I'm excited to be making so much progress on myself so I can start living a life free of CPTSD.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far, and I hope you all get to experience these realizations for yourself. 

Hi Coco,

I really relate to your experience of your FOO and your 'role' in your FOO.   

My life got better when my FOO went NC with me. I was very very sad. I still feel sad a lot. My M passed away 3 months ago. I had not really communicated with her since I set a boundary 3 years ago after my F died and my siblings went NC with me, short of an email from her on my birthday for the last 2 years.

I am still shocked of the facts / and reality of what happened, that my mother had cancer and did not tell me and none of my siblings told me.

What helps me is stating the facts to myself, over and over again. Because of the mind twisting / fact twisting etc in my FOO - I was constantly confused about reality and feelings. Especially when they would add that they love me in the mix. I thought they did really love me. I found that I would get confused about reality  when I attached feelings to the facts of reality.

However - if I just stated undeniable facts - there was no way for me to get around that within myself. Since I value honoring the truth as my highest priority, this really helped me- to know that facts are just facts. Not debatable and not good or bad - just what is / what happened / what was real.

Perhaps you can make a list of facts that are true about your FOO / M?   That way when the emotions and guilt start distorting things in your mind, you can look at the list of facts to help remind you of what is yours vs. what is hers or theirs / and what is the truth. 

Making these lists really helped me separate what was theirs vs. what was mine, what I was responsible for and what I was not, and then decide what I wanted in my life moving forward.

I wish you good luck in your choices with your FOO and hope you find what you feel works best for you!

Great work walking through this challenging situation.

I tell people that I have "bionic hearing" because that's what it often feels like :/.

I told my co-workers if a leaf fell outside my window at 3am I would sit bolt upright saying: "What?"

Haha me too!  Thanks for the laugh.

I used to be addicted to opiate pain medication a long time ago for about 2 years - and after you mentioning your experience with Endone, I'm sure opiates helped me 'not feel' the noise.   

RE: your H snoring - ironically I have dogs that snore (small flat nosed doggies) and when I first got them I was horrified by the snoring, but now it's my favorite sound in the world  

I've noticed if I try to attach a positive feeling about the person making the noise,  I can sometimes tolerate it better. My neighbor has a 2 year old and I cannot tolerate the screaming. But I love the 2 year old, and I intentionally have kept telling myself "I love that kid" and now I am about 50% or less affected negatively by the kid screaming. Often I'm able to automatically tell myself "That's the kid I love" as soon as I hear the screaming and then it doesn't feel bad.

I also had no idea I did that so intentionally until I just wrote that out - so thank you for helping me remember this and put it together!

Yeah, a mind game for sure. <3

.  I have been "forbidden" from having any contact with any of my family outside my sister, her kids, and my mother.

I remember being "forbidden" from having contact with various siblings / relatives at various times.  Sigh.

No worries about replying or not - I understand things can be overwhelming to process. Same for me. I get it.

Also, I will clarify that I have yet to find a "chosen" family for myself - but I do have friends that I relate to, who I feel hear me and listen to me and actually see me. They think I have a lot of very nice qualities that I am happy to hear when they tell me I have them.  And these relationships are subtly making me realize that there is more to life than family, it just lacks the intensity that my FOO relationships had, so it looks very different. 

At any rate, I also imagine that if I were in your present situation, with the possibility of having another family member validate me ( your cousin and talking about the "Secrets"), I'd want to know what they had to say.

Those kinds of conversations with anyone in my FOO, even the estranged aunts, were always so weird and difficult. I hope this one goes smoothly for you, you deserve that.

And yes, there absolutely is life after family. There also is FREEDOM. <3

I'm also a sound engineer, so perhaps I may be of some use to you. I find personally that pink noise is much easier to listen to and masks sounds better than white. Pink noise is slightly different in that it has the equal energy across all frequencies, rather than equal intensity like white noise, so it's more akin to the sound of rain than static. It's a little hard to explain without sound to demonstrate, but it's worth looking into if you're wanting another option. I have an app on my phone that generates different types of noise (white, pink, red, brown, and grey), but I'm sure there's plenty of machines that will do it too. Hope this helps

Oh thank you so so much! Yes, that definitely helps. I would really appreciate suggestions for pink noise apps you would recommend, if you are interested in sharing your thoughts?

I actually have been wondering if there is a certain kind of at home speaker I could get , if you have any thoughts on that (I have an iphone) and  as well!

I have always wanted to talk to a sound engineer about ways to block out these external noises.  This is awesome.

jj

Yes Blueberry, I agree.    I am happy that I am finally (it seems very new) at a place where I actually am at peace with my siblings not taking responsibility for their behavior, and with them seeing me as crazy or dangerous or scary or whatever it is that they see me as.   I had no idea I felt like that until I just typed that       yay.   

I believe this is because of how long I have gone without talking to them, and the things I've done this year to take care of myself around them after my mother died. I behaved in a way that I really respect myself for.

There were so many opportunities for me to fly off the handle - and I didn't. I keep all communication 3rd party and short and all business, and I refused to allow anyone to make me feel bad or to trigger me into 'acting crazy.' (which for me means "telling the truth" - sometimes to people that really don't want to be involved, but have been told lies about the situation / me etc. or because I am not behaving exactly how these siblings decide i 'should' act etc) .

I did not communicate with them and I forget that because this CPTSD has me constantly living in the past on a loop in my brain, even when it's not conscious. Then my current relationships are affected and my past relationship dynamics are projected onto any current 'authority' figures I have in my life. 

It feels very difficult right now. But it's nice to at least recognize that small victory as well for myself .

Hi EIphanigh,

I was prescribed xanax 4x a day for a few years untiL I got sick and found out that it was not healthy for me. It's highly addictive as well.

I still take it "as needed" and it massively helps when I do (ESPECIALLY for the EF's). I like the idea of being able to work through trauma without the medication for myself, personally -  (although I have been on paxil / ssri for over 20 years - i have tried to get off multiple times but I am one of the very sensitive to medication people so I go into terrible withdrawls if I go too slow trying to get off of it.)

However, from what you have described of your current state, age, etc. I cannot give you advice but I will say that I hope it helps you , and when I was on xanax 4 times a day I was in a much worse emotional state, so I am positive that it helped me for the years I was on it.

I hope your medication makes your internal state more peaceful for you!

Thanks Candid

I tell people that I have "bionic hearing" because that's what it often feels like :/.

I thought about the earplugs but can't deal with that.  I have a white noise machine, tv, window air conditioner unit, but if a small dog is barking in my building I'll STILL hear it over ALL of those electronics I just listed, even though they are turned on .

My hope is that with more recovery, eventually I will be able to tolerate external noise more. But boy is it rough.

Oh! Side note - when I'm in a lecture or any environment (movies) where the general population is supposed to be quiet, when one person is speaking from a stage or podium (12 step meetings I attended) I also have this reaction to whispering, or people talking, even 'quietly.' I hear it no matter what. Or the people that go "hmmmm"  "ahhhhhhh" "ohhhhhhhh" (verbal relating) that also triggers the * out of me

Hi Dee,

Thank you for this post. I relate so much. My family communicated in the same manner, and no one takes responsibility for their own adult behavior.

I chose to start actively saying things to the effect of "Oh, I don't want to talk about so and so. I prefer direct communication. I'm sorry you are going through that. ...... (subject change)" .* (this when I did speak to my family - I no longer do, going on 3 years)* or to actively NOT engage on topics like the one you have shared about.

I echo what everyone else has shared, and in my experience, as much as I did NOT want to lose more family members, I found that it only harmed me (and in the same emotional spots as the original traumas did, so more pain on the same pathways - if that makes sense - and realized that sadly, discussing things like this with them made it that I was now doing the self harm by allowing these discussions. It was a very hard realization, but I have to say that I am much more peaceful now. I do not have anyone in my current life that speaks about my family in any manner that makes me feel responsible for anything my family has done. AND, I have also been able to take responsibility for my own behavior in reaction to them in the past (screaming, going off the deep end with raging at them etc).

I find this talking about other people behind their backs as a way to "love" your family is very common in families where trauma is or has occurred. Since I prefer direct clear communication, I had to stand firm that I will not discuss one sibling with another sibling, or one sibling with my mother etc - and that did not work so well. However, now that I don't speak to them, I do not have this issue anymore.

I can only imagine that I would feel the same way you did after this email. However, adults are responsible for their own behavior and their own choices. I do not lend people money, for example, after learning the hard way. I am an adult and I now make the difficult choice to let people in my life know that I do not lend money. Your family members all had this choice available to them as well. They did not choose to protect themselves, and this has nothing to do with you.

You did the most amazing thing I can think of! You TOOK CARE OF YOURSELF , and YOU LOVED YOURSELF in the face of unimaginable horror being perpetrated against you by your own parents. THAT is something to tell yourself every single day that makes you AMAZING!!!!!!

(Sorry for the all caps - I hope that's ok. I like to use all caps sometimes to let people know how much I mean it It's not me screaming).

Also, I am so so so so sorry for all that you have to go through. I hope my response has helped you in some way?

Thank you for continuing to share, reading these posts helps me a lot. <3

This is not to say that I don't still blame myself some days,, because I certainly do. I am just at a level I can recognize that as a truth when I am reminded of it by someone else.

Thank you so much for your kindness, it means the world to me. I am ever grateful that you are here and reminding me that I have something to be proud of and am worth this compassion. I forget that sometimes.

You are so welcome. And I also relate to all of this. My father kidnapped my sisters brother and myself and we were brainwashed. My mother did not come and get us, even though she found us. She constantly referred to the kidnapping as "when you kids left,"  regardless of the amount of times I replied "We did not leave. We were kidnapped. We could not drive cars. I was 8 years old. I did not leave. I was kidnapped."

Up until around 2 -3 months ago, right after she died, I also could not hold my truth about my mother not being who she said she was / not taking responsibility etc. without someone else reminding me of it.     I am 45 years old and I have ALWAYS needed other people to tell me the 'truth' about my mother. I also knew the truth this whole time - but the FOO dynamic and the CPTSD make me question myself, since that is what I was taught to do by the denial and minimization of the abuse by my FOO. 

You are worthy, you have survived things I cannot even fathom. The fact that you are functioning is a testament to how strong you are.   

Also , you are and were worth being protected. Now, and as a child.  It is ok to need reminders - I believe that is part of the CPTSD. At least it is for me. Hugs to you if you want them

Thank you so much Three Roses!

I have a white noise machine and usually have my window a/c unit on to block out noise. However, a lot of noise gets past BOTH of these :/ . And I do not want to be the neighbor who other people hear so I tend to avoid playing tv really too loud or loud music, but I thought of doing that.

Also sometimes I just want to hear silence, especially in the a.m.   But I will try this breathing pattern stuff - that's actually one of the areas I have not yet put focus on, my breathing. I am sure it's super shallow in general

Hi everyone,

I have a massive trigger regarding noise. I live in an apartment and any time I hear ANY noise that does not come from inside my apartment (could be a neighbor, could be from outside the building, could be cars outside, mostly though anything to do with me hearing other people doing anything outside of my home. Especially loud noises.

I have never been ok with this and in fact have a history of going to the people making the noise and asking them to stop. Obviously this does not work out well for me, and I look 'crazy.'     

I can't afford to buy a home that is remote enough from other people , I live in a major metropolitan city.   

There is a company in the basement of my building that is a plumbing company, and they use the parking lot (restaurant, liquor store, and another business all own this lot which is literally right next to my building) to park all of their vans and start work very early in the a.m.  The employees hang out in the parking lot early in the am to unload their vans etc. Right now they are throwing metal on the ground (cleaning out their van) and it's been going on for 45 min. I feel every single "clang!" in my body. In the past I would open my window and scream "SHUT THE F* UP! ITS 8:30 in the morning!" (Ok fine I just did that right now ;/  again) thinking this will actually make people shut up.   I have to say that it does not work 95% of the time, but I still keep doing it.

I hate this feeling and am wondering if anyone else is as sensitive to external noise as I am?   

I also get triggered by hearing groups of people laugh loud and talk outside , in the hallway, anywhere (if I'm in my apartment). I want my apartment to be quiet.

Thank you.

Hi EIphanigh,

I don't have a lot of words to say unfortunately, but I want you to know I have read all of this thread and I hear you. None of this was your fault, I feel heartbroken for you. 

Please know that NONE of this was your fault. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE that these people threatened you, blamed you, forced you to do anything, and worse hurt you and your sister. Your parents should have protected you and listened to you. We know that not all parents are like that, or we would not be here on this forum. But I want you to know that you DESERVED TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE, KINDNESS, and PROTECTION.   It was not your job to protect your sister, it was your parents job.

I am here with you, sending you lots of kindness and compassion. You are very brave to be doing this, to be trying to recover your memories and heal. I am proud of you and you are allowed to be very proud of yourself.

<3

The worse part is when my family started talking to me it was clear that it was an act of forgiveness.  It is hard feeling like they think I am beneath them.  At times, I think I would be better off without them then to be treated like I am not an equal.

I relate very much to what you just said. Thank you.   

I am 3 years NC with my siblings (parents both passed away). I can say that it is sadly true for me, I have found that I am better off without them, and that I now get to choose who I share my time with - only those who treat me like an equal.