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I'm not sure if this will help, but it's something I've been working on this week.

My husband (who is a non) was helping me with a flow chart I was making. I needed to see things (past and present) in some kind of concrete format. I kept getting stuck at why did ABUSER do ABUSE. My first block in the flow chart was "because I was bad and deserved it" which led to "I tried harder but it didn't work" and "I couldn't be good enough" and "I'm not good" and "no one would help me" -- it was a whole flow chart along these lines, where I was continually repeating the "try harder" and "still not good enough" or "still bad" or "still deserve it".

My husband said something like, "hang on there is more to a flow chart than this." The said, for example, after "Why did ABUSER do ABUSE" I put "Because I was bad/deserved it" and he said next should be (if it was a flow chart) "Is this true: yes or no"  By leaving out this step, I was essentially answering "yes" and carrying on with each step, with the unexamined and unwritten "is this true" always being yes and always leading to the next item I put on the flow chart (try harder, doesn't work, try to explain, doesn't work, etc.)

So he said half the flow chart is totally missing -- the whole challenge part... the NO part.

So he said what if the answer to "I was bad" is this true or not is: NO. Not true. Then I need a new arrow and some new boxes and, in fact, a whole new arm (are they called arms?) of the flow chart. If the answer is "No, I didn't deserve it" then we're back up to "Why did ABUSER do ABUSE" and -- if I'm not bad -- then it must be because THE ABUSER WAS BAD (or wrong or screwed up or mentally ill or whatever -- DH volunteered the adjective "evil" as one option).

I think often we believe the narrative and, to us, there is no other option, no other narrative, no other path to take, no other "arm" to the flow chart. Many of us were brainwashed into thinking this.

Hubby also made another really critical point -- and I think this is where it comes in to your story -- while the original flow chart I had done (my fault - not good enough - try harder - still bad person) was my REALITY it was not TRUE. This was my reality. This is what we lived with and grew up believing and often still believe now -- this is the reality created by long term abusers and it's the reality of anyone with CPTSD. However, it's not TRUE.

It's REAL but it's not TRUE. So it doesn't invalidate our experiences and our feelings. They were very very real and very influential and often feel like the totality of who we are. (I almost always feel either abnormal or bad, although I've spent years perfecting a normal appearance and trying so hard to do good all the time.) This was our reality, but it was a lie... what they said about us were lies... what they made us say to keep up the deception to others were lies... who they said I am was a lie -- none of it was TRUE.

What is true is that the perpetrators did this, the perpetrators are at fault, the perpetrators are to blame for beginning and continuing the abuse, and the perpetrators concocted a lie so big and so overwhelming and so brainwashing that it became almost the very essence of how we see ourselves. But it's a lie.

I kept getting stuck because I kept coming back to the same place over and over, but that was an incomplete narrative. It was my reality -- but it was in complete. It was not the whole story. More needed to be added to make the narrative complete, and that part was where we challenge the narrative that our abusers created and add a completely different section to the narrative: the part where we are good, innocent, where we are trying very hard, the part where we were injured but not bad, we were harmed but we didn't deserve it because that narrative just isn't true.

I'm not sure I'm conveying this well, but I hope it helps. It's kind of a slippery concept for me and sometimes I feel like I grasp it and sometimes I can't and it slips away.

Thank you for the original post and the update - it's really hlepful and I'm so glad the steps are working. 

Thank you all so much. I am still so tired. I am a teacher - I teach adult learners. Part of what I do is help instill a sense of self-worth and self-value in my students. This week I taught a wonderful class of really wonderful people. And also a mentor and friend died - a woman who helped so many people through hospice and she died in another state... so quickly. I am overwhelmed with the unfairness of life right now. I know for many of us that's always there - life is unfair. It feels almost unbearable at the moment.

Raising children with love, self-respect and self-esteem, raising great human beings didn't fix my childhood. I thought it would, but it didn't. Teaching wounded and needy people to help themselves and others doesn't fix my childhood. Helping others to feel loved doesn't repair the fact that I have never been loved or cared for or protected by someone bigger than me. So much of my adult life was spent trying to fix the damage done to me, by making sure it wasn't done to anyone else -- by loving and caring for and protecting other people. Why does it leave me hollow? Why didn't it work?

I'm not sorry I chose this path. I'm a people-empowerer. A compulsive encourager. A person who will never let someone else be hurt, because I know how it feels.

But it doesn't erase the utter heartbreak of what people did to me, and the people who let it happen. All these years. First the years of suffering at the hands of people who should have helped me. Then the years of trying to make it right by loving others.

Now... it didn't work. It didn't make things right. I'm still the exact same unloved, unprotected, unimportant, overlooked, unworthly, ugly little thing I always was.

What I did didn't fix it. How hard is it to love one little girl? Really love her? Keep her safe... It must be impossible -- no one could do it.

I bought the video and tried it a few times. Firstly, it's difficult and ouchy to hold positions until you have so much muscle strain that you tremble violently. Secondly, some of the movements in the video are very triggering (such as hip movements) and not soothing but scary. Also it felt like the idea is to let go and it's difficult to hold on to our emotions and let go of the body at the same time -- so the underlying fear that I was going to start sobbing uncontrollably and hysterically kept me distracted from the exercises. I think probably depends upon the trauma that caused the PTSD. Losing control of the body on purpose and rhythmic shaking and rocking movements could be really seriously triggering for some people whose trauma involves the body. JMHO.

I had a rough T session today. My T is great - safe, honest, authentic, caring. She actually said she was sorry today - sorry for what happened to me and I just went to pieces and cried my eyes out. I couldn't explain or even breathe. (She kept saying "breathe now")  Then the mean voice inside starts telling me how stupid I'm being and how sorry I'll be later and how she'll think bad things about me. Telling the inner critic to shut up - fighting fire with fire. Maybe not the best, my T suggested. Perhaps telling the inner critic that it was OK and that I was safe and that it doesn't have to be angry.

I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of all the "voices" in my head and wishing to shut everyone up except the grown up me - the me I've created as an adult: responsible, kind, good, trustworthy. I'm tired of hiding that bad child who got abused. I'm tired of hiding the angry voice who is trying to protect the child. (I guess??) I'm tired of feeling afraid all the time - I'm tired that PANIC is my only emotion. I'm either in a panic or hiding panic or numbing it with a drink or sleep. I'm tired of waiting for my abuser to die so I can breathe again and be safe for the first time. (I'm NC with the abusers but, still, it never feels totally safe.)

I'm an adult. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. I'm a good worker in a helping field. People like me. But these are the created me -- the me I've created. The only me I want to be, but there's no way to escape the other mes... the one people did things to. It's such poisonous shame. Like a toxic swamp of quicksand.

I've always loved mystery stories. The good kind: Agatha Christie, etc. Old fashioned ones where the good guy gets the bad guy. The brave people get the bad people. I've got to face facts though, don't I? The brave people aren't coming. There isn't anyone who is going to get the bad people. The bad people are going to get away with it and no one is going to stop them.

I'm big now. I'm safe. But I don't feel safe or big. I'm tired of waiting for someone to rescue me. They're never coming, are they? No one is coming to help me.

I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Thank you for listening.

I'm not sure if forgiveness is ever going to be on my radar. I'm probably in the non-forgiveness but non-vengeful place. I have no desire to destroy my abusers or get back at them. All I want is to stay as far away as I can for the rest of my life. I will feel tremendous relief when my uBPDM is dead - not from vengeance but because I think I'll be able to breathe properly for the first time.

That derealization is a kind of dissociation, I think. I've always called it "reverse deja vu" because it's like none of this ever happened before and nothing looks familiar - or it looks far away and foreign. Most of the time I can't tell what triggered me, because triggers tend to be buried really quickly in my brain. My brain hides them, so figuring them out is really difficult and a lot of times it seems like there was no real trigger that I can point to, but there must have been.  I've also noticed that when I start getting close to something important (like when talking or in therapy) my head will be like a helium balloon on a string and I can feel myself letting go of the string. It used to happen in a flash, and I had no control or awareness. Now (after 2+ years of weekly therapy with a trauma T) I at least can start to tell, and sometimes as for help. It's a little like being at the top of one of those really huge waterslides and when you start going down the first few feet or so, you can still stop yourself by holding on to the sides or bracing yourself. Sometimes I can catch it there or pause there long enough to ask for help, but if I go too far down the slide it's too late and all I can do is wait until I get to the bottom. That's a babystep though. Recognizing it is a babystep because there was probably a time we didn't recognize it - it just happened.

I can relate. It's really painful sometimes. I think it's like a one-step-forward-two-steps-back sometimes. Self-medicating with alcohol is really easy to do, and I'm not sure if it's better or worse than medication - except when using medication then (hopefully) the GP is helping to keep track of how it's used. Also, sometimes I think I go through phases where I need to be anti-social for a while. So perhaps it's being gentle with ourselves and allowing us to do what we need, even if that changes form day to day or even if it's not what other people think we should do. (Or what WE think other people think we should do -- that's the kiss of death for me!) Dealing with flashbacks is really hard even when you have someone else around. For me, often I don't know I need help and can't ask for it - or don't know what I need to do to help myself. I joke sometimes I am going to get "grounding" tatooed on the back of my hand so I can remember to do grounding exercises, but even then -- would I remember what they were? Putting up signs on the wall somewhere doesn't always help either, because often the words make no sense and I can't figure out how to get them to make sense. So... I think I can relate a little bit.

The only think I know is that we're supposed to be gentle with ourselves. That's so tough when no one has ever been gentle with us. Even though I'm kind to others it's totally different from being kind to myself.

I'm not sure I've helped but I'm here. 

Wow! That's really invalidating to tell a person how they feel! It seems to me that you feel worried for a very understandable reason, and it must be difficult to figure out how to walk that tightrope with a medically fragile child - between protecting her and allowing her freedom. I think that would be really difficult.

My (adult) DD is always reminding me when someone is invalidating or unkind or gaslighting, "It says more about THEM than it does about you." I think this kind of fits in your sister's case, too. When she says "You don't want her to grow up" it says more about her than about reality. Maybe it relieves her guilt if she diminishes your concerns. Then she doesn't have to feel badly about your daughter's situation or do anything. She can just dismiss your family and think about herself. It could be that.

Something that makes me crazy is when I talk (sometimes I talk slowly when I'm trying to find the right word or when I'm fighting dissociation) and then the person I'm talking to finishes my sentence. Except they finish it in the exact opposite way I was going to, and often say horrible things!  Ex:

me bending down to pick up newspaper: you know, when the newspaper carrier leaves the newspaper in the driveway like this instead of in the special box...

person: it makes you furious and want to kill him! I bet you're going to call the newspaper and cancel and tell them EXACTLY what you think of their deliveries!

me: um.... no. I was going to say then the newspaper gets all wet and can sometimes gets driven over...

The other person often acts like "Oh SURE you were going to say that..." and I never know what to do. Do I protest? (Methinks she protests too much.) Do I let it go?

My T told me a trick, but I haven't figured out exactly how to use it yet. It goes like this, "No... that's what YOU think. I think..." and then go on to say what I was going to say.

Wow. You all understand!!!!!!! That's my first reaction: Wow! I'm totally normal here!!!! OMG!!! You all understand me!!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!

Thank you for the validation, the welcome, and the ideas. I think I *have* Pete Walkers book, actually. I will have to look for it. I have this tendency to buy books and not know I did it. Often I buy them twice. I have a kindle, so when I try to buy kindle books twice, amazon will tell me and I'm very surprised, and have to look through the kindle to find it. I think I have Pete Walker's book in actual book form, so it'll mean a physical search of the premises. LOL - anyone else do that???

I've been trying to do more with the inner child. I really fought it for about 3 years, but the last few months, the idea of inner child work has been less threatening. Quite often I cuddle with a teddy bear my daughter bought me many years ago. Once or twice I bought my inner child a present. I did ask her what she wanted one time when I was in High Anxiety and starting to feel that floaty feeling. She wanted ice cream! It was so funny to say, "Don't go anywhere little one, what do you want?" and before I could finish the sentence she had said "Ice cream!" So I gave her some ice cream, even though it was before dinner. :-) LOL! That's about the extent of my inner child work. Most of the time I really do fight BEING ME. Most of the time all I can think is, "I hate being me. I hate being that kid who was abused. I wish it wasn't my history. I wish I wasn't me. I have to get out of here."  I'm thinking that suggestion of doing something fun right then would really help.  It helps to distract children when they're upset, why wouldn't it help an inner child? Technically, they really are both children, right? I mean it's a part of our psyche or whatever that got stuck.

I haven't been able to read through too many books. I start and then I literally can't keep reading or I can't remember anything. It's a little discouraging, because I love to read and have always gotten a lot of help from books. When I was a new parent, I found an attachment parenting book and followed it like a bible. My parenting skills went like this. When in doubt do: 1) what I wish NM had done, 2) the total opposite of what NM had done or 3) what a book says. Kids turned out OK somehow.

So... now time to parent myself. It's hard though. I gave my kids value and valued them: treated them with love, safety, loyalty. Gave them a safe space to live. I was rabid about it. I had no safe space and really don't feel like I deserve it. Someone is going to catch me if I try to value that little one. Someone is going to catch me and tell me it's wrong, she's bad, she's shameful, don't you dare protect her. When I start thinking like this, my T will say, "She's innocent." Maybe that's a good statement? When I start going, "I hate me. I don't want to be me." maybe it's time to tell myself "I'm innocent." or "She's innocent."

Has anyone ever tried that?

I had a kind of insight this week. I've been integrating out of dissociation for the last 6 months or so, and so it's not easy to shut off scary feelings anymore. In fact, most of the time I can't just shut the scared kid into a trunk and lock the lid the way I did for decades. Every night I am gripped by fear when I go to bed. It's actually the little kid who is gripped by fear, and she had very good reasons for that. However, now I'm an adult and don't have any reason to be gripped by fear anymore. So last night - in a panic in my nice safe house and nice safe bed - I started tapping (EFT). As I was working through the languaging of it, I realized that my fear felt very real but it was a ghost. Like a ghost it looks like a person, but it's not here in the present -- it's a person out of time. The fear is ghost fear, as well. It looks just like a real feeling and feels like a real feeling, but it's also out of time. I was thinking of how people who lose a limb have phantom sensations of that limb. Similarly, I think, I'm experiencing phantom fear. The danger isn't now - it was then. But it wasn't safe to feel the fear then, so I floated away or locked the fear in a trunk or did whatever I needed to do to not feel the fear. My body remembered it and now that I'm integrating, I'm feeling it now just like it would have been felt then... only it's not then. It's now. And I'm not in danger now. I'm safe.

I've tried meditation in the past and tried to do the "that's just a feeling" thing and let it float into and out of my consciousness, as the books say to do, but I literally can not do it. Perhaps because the fear isn't in my consciousness or even in my mind, but being held in my body and brought back up for a reason. It's been stored for so long.

"that's just a thought" and "that's just a feeling" weren't working for me. "This is a ghost feeling. It's a feeling from another time." seems to be working a little. I can feel my anxiety go from an 8 or 9 down to a 5 or 6 with that statement.

It's a big thing for me. Most of the time, when I get a flashback feeling I can't stay with it at all. I had zero tolerance even for a whiff of a possible flashback feeling and I was "outta here" mentally. (Off to dissociation central where I'd convert into Capable Adult who had No Feelings.) After a time of therapy, and starting to integrate, I couldn't flip that switch to shut off Scared Girl and turn on Capable Adult. It was like I was both at the same time, but couldn't be both at the same time. So it was like being in this huge swamp of being with no differentiations. Because my ability to tolerate anxiety (at this point) is still pretty low, but I can't put the person feeling the anxiety into the locked trunk, I'm stuck being Scared Girl and being Capable Adult at the same time but with no discernment on what to do. So I'm kind of like "blanked out" on the outside and "freaked out" on the inside. And the freak out tends to get bigger and bigger and I'm screaming in my head "I can't take this I can't take this I have to get out of here Someone help me!" Saying, "It's OK. This is a ghost feeling." was like lowering the internal pressure on my pressure cooker. Now all the way, but a little lower so I could tolerate the anxiety for a little while.

My next goal is to be able to lower the anxiety scale enough so that I can help myself do grounding exercises. (At the moment, I can't do that and end up needing someone to guide me before I can do it - I don't even think of doing grounding, it's just not even in my toolbox at that moment.) Hope that makes sense?

I thought I'd share this in case it helped anyone else. Does anyone else have experiences like this or tricks to reframe our feelings of flashbacks so that we can hold on through them?