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Thanks, what I wrote was supposed to be an advice though, not asking for support What I meant: I was given this advice, and even though I find it hard, maybe it can work better for someone else, since it sounds quite plausible in my opinion.

Okay, so.. I feel ashamed to write it. I am feeling confused. After maybe 10 years of trying different relationships and always ending up more and more traumatized I now met someone who made me realise there was nothing wrong with me, I was agreeing on wrong people. First 4 months I did not think much, tried to enjoy it and was getting shocked that it actually lasted longer than 1 month, then longer than 2 months, then.. and so on. Everything just felt right.. It was not the "in love" feeling like I had in this toxic ones, more like really being fine around someone, and feeling a bit high.. maybe even not high, a bit more alive actually, I would call it. My life was quite * before, involving depression and suicidal thoughts, and I just wanted to keep it as much away from us as possible.

Until.. trying to start some deeper discussion I asked "what are you afraid of". And one of the answers was "that you will stop liking me".

And that caused: "why does he say it? does it look like i do not really like him? what if he sees something i do not see? what if i am about to hurt him? what if i don't feel anything for him actually?"

Since 1 month I am feeling this anxiety, as if I was pretending I like him, and he was about to find it out. I started judging my every thought, looking for smallest negative feeling when I am around him. I notice my feelings are changing because of this. Or maybe it was the opposite, my feelings are changing and that is why i feel anxious?

I do not know what to think. What I feel, what I want. In my life I only knew I wanted someone when they were not available. And when they liked me I felt disgusted by them. Now somehow none of that is the case, I was enjoying it egoistically, but after what he said I am terrified I will hurt him. Or myself, if I stay with someone I actually don't want to be with. But damn, I don't know. I know most people would say "if you don't know it means you don't want", but following this advice I already made a huge mistake once, don't want to repeat it either.

Deep inside I always believed I am not worthy of love. When I imagine my future I cannot imagine anything else than being alone. And not, I am not young.

Anyone has similar problem? It is not the first time I feel unsure when the other person is not avoidant. How to get certain in what I want and feel?

Same with me. Someone advised me to try doing small things that someone would not like and see what happens (of course as long as I want them). So to learn on examples that I did something that could upset someone, but I am still alive and no one hates me for that (I am talking of stuff like taking a seat in metro,  or taking a piece of cake where there is less pieces left than the people in the room). But still have not managed to get a substantial change there. Even a small thing causes almost a panic attack.

Thank you for the supportive words. I like the idea of reverse snow ball. And I really wish there were people who will not take advantage of me even if I cannot stand up for myself. Have you actually met some?

About the first step of asking for help and the process being slow.. no, I don't think I am at the stage of taking the first step. That stage was maybe 10 years ago.. It's more the stage of "I really don't know what else I can try". Yes I do behave based on my old fears.. they are my reality, I just can't stop this automatic spacing out whenever there is a chance to do something different this time. I am afraid that what I want or don't want is going against what someone else wants or doesn't want. I don't want to let them down. Like, I am terrified, so terrified that I only want the situation to end, even if I have to do something against myself. I don't feel I have the right to be.

I guess many people here can relate to this.. at least I used to have a childhood friend who would say this about themselves. That is already more than just me.

I am in a flashback by the way.

I have been thinking about this shame and that I do not know how to change it. It seems to be a self reinforcing mechanism. Low self esteem, inability to stand up for myself, and dissociating in moments when I should defend myself, later realising that: people stop respecting me. When I do not treat myself seriously, people don't either. When I do not stand up for myself, people do take advantage of me. Is it people's fault? I do not think so, I think it is a social mechanism, invisible for everyone. Even people I used to count on have changed like this. This is quite depressive. I see where it is going.

Today I thought: so it ultimately happens with everyone.. people either get disappointed with me and leave me or start abusing me and I have to leave them. Everyone I spend enough time with. Co-workers. Partner? What if I find a partner who actually loves me and then they will also be subject to that mechanism and start feeling contempt towards me? Why should it be different with a romantic partner? Why should someone love me no matter what? How could someone love me if I do not love myself. Did anyone ever love me? Why am I denied what is so basic to human experience.

It feels like a chicken egg problem. How do I solve this? Anyone solved anything similar? Made any progress at all?

Hi.. somehow it took me about 3 years to open that forum. I am still not sure if I belong here. Or where I belong. I hope to find people with similar experiences / problems, to maybe feel less crazy and more able to navigate in my life.. sometimes I get very confused.

In case I do have CPTSD, it would be probably coming from childhood. I had some particularly bad bad luck at school, resulting in being excluded from the social interactions with most peers for 12 years. Also open hostility from a relative 2 years younger than me, around age 10-12. Also something that could be called emotional abuse from my parents, but may also be called not having perfect parents. Actually the parenting style involved a lot of gaslighting, so I have no clue if what is real and what is/was just in my head.

In adulthood repetitive very bad experiences in attempts at relationships. Right now no self esteem, identity issues, trust issues, used to have extreme mood swings, but now I got at least that under control. Frequent dissociation - I know it only because I have gaps in memory, from few seconds to few hours.. sometimes few days.

Thank you for reading.