Messages

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.   I opened a 'note' to reply to you as I read it!

I thought she DID charge for missed appointments, or at least a cancelation fee - which assuaged me ever-consuming guilt some - but turns out that billing insurance is 'illegal' and that 'practices never do that' even if they're paying privately - which i don't think is actually right - my (crazy NPD) mom had a private practice and I remember her having some sort of fee and me chiding her about never enforcing it.  Anyway.

Five week timeline: I had an appointment, the next day I got The Email, cried... like I was having a three day emotional flashback, decided to give myself time to figure out how I felt (haha), and after 2.5 weeks made contact - right when she was leaving town for 2.5 weeks.  We met when she got back.

I agree that she would understandably be frustrated, even with an understanding of my health stuff - "What I struggle to understand is how she raised it." EXACTLY. "I know if a therapist raised an issue concerning financial loss and feeling disrespected by me, it would be engraved on my memory." Pretty much anytime criticizes me it's engraved for oh maybe 10, 20 years and given the personal nature of this??  It would be immediate problem-solving time or I wouldn't be comfortable enough to move past it

I know being unable to attend commitments it is an issue for people with chronic health problems.  Have you discussed this particular issue with her, (if she is out of pocket as a result?)
Well, from the beginning she's known I get migraines, and when they come on, that's it, I usually tell anyone I'm going to have a regular commitment with on the first day about the nature of that.  My knee isn't exactly chronic, my cramps are only offing insane SOMEtimes, etc. 

One of the things I find worrying is that she responded to your feelings about ableism with a kind of threat/suggestion that you can go elsewhere
-i know!!!!!  not only is that disrespectful in a larger sense, it really hurt my feelings just for her to say that to me after such a long relationship

In reply to your longer paragraph at the end - no you're totally right to think about it in this way as well.  At one point in all this she pointed out that, not only does a same day cancel mean someone else loses an opportunity to have that time, but she's out $50, and "she knows I can't cover that."  While i AM on the far end of broke, i didn't appreciate her assuming that/not giving me a chance to work something out.  My partner could help me, and since my appointments are covered by state insurance, (approximately) $50/month for therapy is something I could probably swing. 

AARRGGHH.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet but I am extremely grateful to you for helping me think about it, radical, thank you.

i've had the same therapist helping me with my depressive disorder, anxiety, grief, c-ptsd, nightmares etc etc for just over two years - and she has been the BEST. never had a therapist i liked so much // who actually helped so much // who i opened up to so much. opening up is real hard for me because trauma.

i also get migraines with a capital M and i have chronic knee issues and my cramps were made for a dinosaur. so, sometimes, i miss appointments. (i made up a list, i've missed 11% of our appts since january)


so, five weeks ago she sent an abrupt email changing our schedule taking our weekly sessions from twice to once because i was missing appointments, she said - just out of the blue; i reacted badly [read: massive abandonment trigger response]

we saw each other for the first time after those 5 weeks today... and holy smokes. i think i feel worse. she said nothing that made me feel better. things she did say:

-she has bent over backwards for me (...great i feel guilty?!)

-she doesn't think i respect other people's time, that if it's happening in there (therapy), it's probably happening in other places too and we should get to the bottom of that. (no one has ever given me this feedback. i generally show up to stuff.)

-i asked her if she had given me a 'warning' before that i'm just not remembering and she put up her hands and said 'we've been over this and over this' (poss., i have memory issues)

-she doesn't think i get as many migraines as i SAY i do (?!?)

-she thinks there's a possibility that i use my mental illness/disabilities to get out of stuff and/or 'do whatever i want'
at WHICH point i just said 'you know, some of this stuff is sounding pretty ableist', and her response to that was that she was sure that if i needed a different modality of treatment that she just wasn't able to offer she was sure it was our there.

this is ALL OVER SOME MISSED APPOINTMENTS. for migraines, knee stuff, cramps, and one badly timed flashback anxiety thing - over the course of six months. like, there's no way i can plan when those things happen, and she has said multiple times she believes me, but that she feels i don't respect her time!!

i have made SO much progress with her with my depression. i have looked forward to every session for over two years. it would be such a loss. but being in her office today just felt crappy.

as an aside - i would love this form 1000 times more if it wasn't broken into so many child forums.  the end, thanks for all your work.

Full disclosure, I posted something just like this in ootf just now

I've been NC from my addict and Nmom for almost 4 years, and from the rest of my family-gone-full flying monkey for a few months.  C-PTSD is so on the fringe still, it's hard to make contact with others - this space is one of the only places I could think of to reach you

This forum, OOTF, LAN on reddit, have all meant the world to me - comfort any time day or night wherever I was! 

I would just love to have an in-person support group with people who are, ideally, not in their abusive environments any more; and then are already familiar with the material on this site, ootf, etc.  I have an idea for the structure of it, and a place to have it (an all-are-welcome space that rents out rooms very cheaply for support groups). 

So... anyone in the 206?    I should say that going to CODA, Al Anon, and ACOA have been invaluable in treating my cptsd and depression.

Yeah, no one wants anyone to have to go through anything like that.  It happens more often than people know.  My mom was a psychiatrist and (super inappropriately) shared stories of patients she'd have over the years; I myself have two friends whose stories are sadly similar to yours; and lately as I've been reading about early brain development and how childhood experience effects brain development I've come across too many stories and numbers.   Have you read anything by Bruce Perry?

And um yeah, the fact that you are functioning at all is freaking amazing.  You are a warrior.  You went through an extended period of trauma on par with... I don't even want to come up with something.  My therapist tells me 'it's amazing that you're functioning at all' and if that's true of me than girl it is definitely true of you!

thank you! 

i was confused when you said 'welcome' but then i remembered i'm on oots and not ootf. heh.

[but]

Elphanigh I just read the 9 pages of your journal.  I'd like to say - or repeat if anyone else has said -

You are not alone.  Everyone's experience is unique; yours was terrible, but, you are not alone in that. 
You are such a tough babe to be facing all this.
I'm so grateful that you have a therapist you have a good relationship with!
and I love you.

"he did it by showing me a photograph taken in the funeral (I do not know why sb needed to take a photo in the funeral) and simply telling me "Your dad died" "

THIS IS TERRIBLE!  (((

Well damn!  You have earned your badges haven't you.  I didn't get new clothes either, but that was my mom's OCD and/or just not understanding how things work.  I'm so glad you found this site. 

Sounds like you and I are in the super lucky exclusive club of being the adult children of addicts who also had personality disorders.  It can be a little hard to find the right support for us because there are similarities and important differences in those experiences and the treatments afterwards.

Not sure where you are - sounds like the UK? - but have you seen if there are any ACOA meetings near you?  Adult Children of Alcoholics.  Google 'acoa meetings'.  If there isn't one close, order a couple books.  You'd be amazed!  It's a very different experience to Al Anon. 

You're brave for writing all this out.  I HATE the starting over again and again with new shrinks.  I actually finally wrote a document so they could just read it ahead of our first or second meeting - maybe you could create something like that with these letters!

PM me any time.

What did you mean by your last sentence BTW? Do you fear you will some time end it yourself?

Ah - I meant that I fear someday I will know what it's like to lose a mother to suicide.

Depression is a gnarly beast.  Today I will be treating it with doughnuts and favorite tv shows.  And possibly a meditation video on youtube (there are so many!)

*I added TW to your title - it just lets other members know that something in your post (in this case the honest anger and pain you express), may be triggering and they can choose to read on or not.*

Yes of course, thank you... It truly didn't occur to me.  I put a tw on things in other places but i figured, here, this was just like any other post   but yeah, thank you, no worries.

Elphanigh, thank you for your post, it's appreciated. 

i was just free associating.  i used to write a lot, this was the first time i'd allowed myself to in at least two years?  because that involves thinking about it!

You guys I CAN'T SLEEP.  At best it's just waking up every few hours, or it's having a bad dream and kicking a little so my partner wakes me up - at worst I just wake up screaming like a banshee.  The dreams of course all feature Nmom or a related theme.

Ideas?  I've tried acupuncture and that's helping some I think.  And melatonin.  I'm trying to avoid actual sleeping pills because I'm already on so many meds.  Prazosin makes me super dizzy.

Thank you, hugs all around. 

You write very fluently!

My mother is technically alive - Adult Protective Services has paid her two visits, and decided that although she lives in very unhealthy conditions (to put it lightly) and is not taking care of herself physically/mentally, the fact that she is technically able to and chooses not to means that APS can't step in and do anything for her.  I've been NC for four years (obviously a lot of trying to help/enabling lead up to that).  She drinks and takes pills and doesn't eat.  So she's killing herself slowly and I get to just wait for that phone call and accept, very slowly over time, that she's willing to let herself go like this and not be a living person in my life. 

I don't know how you feel but I fear that someday I will.   I'm giving your hand a squeeze. 

none of it had happened.  i woke up thinking i was in one of the bedrooms in Nan's house.  none of it had happened yet. 


**********
talk therapy
acupuncture
depressive order without psychosis
trying to find the right balance of meds for a year
feeling sick
and tired
and nauseous
if it's not a headache
it's puking
spending the winter in the closet drugging myself to sleep
24 hours every day
electric shock therapy
ECT
forgetting six months of my life
brain seizures
brain injuries
memory loss, cognitive damage, aphasia
was it better or worse than before
much, much worse
a merry go round of painful realizations
eyes opening to pain everywhere
how do you keep your friends up to date?
bad friends don't call or text
i was there when nan died
i wasn't there when karl killed himself but i paid the price
i wasn't there when my dad died but i paid the price for that too
and i'm getting really good about not thinking about my mom
gotta eat every day, real food
and take your medicine
and vitamins
and take a walk
and go to your groups
and remember to shower more than once a week
and try not to die
(but you think about it)
or wake up screaming in the middle of the night
i spent thirteen years with someone who's now a stranger
and no one will ever understand what my dogs meant to me
i am consumed with grief, every time i think 'this has got to be it, what more?'
i turn out to be a huge moron.
i'm scared to let it go.  the boom will fall.

letting go of the maggots in my mom's bed was easy
the whiskey and pill bottles everywhere
the food rotting in cloth
the cloth torn and strewn
her words slurred and false
i tried.  i left.  i don't feel bad. 
she's a ghost still haunting her house
and i notice myself not thinking about her in ripples,
the way i noticed myself not thinking about my dad.
there's no shame in not having a family,
i just grew up until i was 15 thinking i'd had one
we all have to make adjustments

and the other day, before i was fully awake i thought i was staring at an old painted white wall in Nanny's old house.  when I was living with my beautiful grandmother who loved me so much, when I had my dogs, and I lived in a beautiful place, and I had a handful of good friends who lived in the same city, and i wasn't scared.  even though I still had some issues to wake up to (what's npd?  what's cptsd?), i felt safe.  i had confidence.  i thought i had time.