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Have been doing well,reducing my time spent with the personality disordered mother. yesterday spent some time with her. Now dipped down back into wanting to isolate for a while and have very low energy,therefore motivation to do anything now running very low.I have just finished reading pete walker book. very good. I need to put some stuff in practice. i can recognise the inner critic so much in me followed by waves of guilt. So debilitating.

thank you. I first became aware of the concept of cptsd from a psychologist online called Richard Grannon. Also experiencing a narcissistic relationship. I had no idea I was attracting abuse in my adult life, that I had been subjected to as a child. IT HAS BEEN A SELF DISCOVERY JOURNEY for me to say the least. I,m 52 and i feel that i am just growing up and seeing life as it really is. Life without manipulation and pleasing others completely. I am a person in my own right. so much to say. The sense of release but scared all the same. Trust. who to trust. Are people really saying what they mean? The scars run deep. some self inflicted because i didnt know any different and returned to the same abuse. At least i can call it, acknowledge it as abuse now. For years i felt that it was a normal way to live. Everyone lived liked it. Manipulated and used. Its so horrendous that there are so many hurt people. At least here there is a voice.

Am I so glad to have found this site. so I am not completely mad then. I dont have a personality disorder. I am struggling to feel free of my own constraints then?
I now realise after researching and researching, some therapy, self reflection,changing the way I do things, taking time for myself, trying to say no no no, I don,t want to do this without guilt that I may just may be seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.
However I do have a tendency to isolate myself and try and disassociate from the world as much as possible when I have an episode of depression and low self worth and feelings of no one can like me or want me. This has not happened for several months but has recently crept back into me. I think its based on fear of rejection and abandonment. I think I have worked that one out.
I have had a life time of struggling to believe that my personality is ok and that people like me for me. ?? low self esteem however some people would say I appear a confident out going friendly happy person. I sometimes struggle to see this in myself. So I refrain from connecting too closely with people as the fear of leaving me behind is always a possibility. Panic attacks and fear. My goodness thats a lot out for an intro to you all. Thanks for reading.