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For the last couple of years, I have already had a suspicion that my mother was a narcissist, but now I know for sure.

At the beginning of the year, I spent a couple of weeks in a clinic doing inpatient therapy. Depression was very bad at the end of last year accompanied by insomnia, chronic pain, anxiety and constant nervousness.

The therapy time was an eye opener for me. Almost all my life, I thought, my problems came from growing up with an alcoholic father and my mother has always blamed all problems on him. I always believed her. Since childhood, there was only her. She always told my brother and me not to trust anyone with good or bad information, because either people were envious or they were malicious. When we visited extended family, my mother made sure, we did not tell anybody anything. Everything was great, my Mom was a successful business woman with intelligent children, who are doing well in school. It was only to keep our appearance and we obeyed. Suffering from a chronic illness as a child, I was even more dependent from my Mom. She gave me my medicine when I was sick, but did not motivate me to help myself. My brother and I grew up very dependent from my mother. She told us, what to wear. As a young adult, I wore clothing, that I would not even wear now being much older. I did not have friends, I did not go out when I was a teenager. My Mom told me that I were a whore when going out with other teenagers.

However, she was very interested in my career. She told me what to become, even though that was not my interest. I forced myself to get through and thought hardship and suffering was normal. I even stayed on the career path afterwards and completed academic studies. I did very well and earned a lot of recognition and praise from teachers and professors which made me thing, I liked the career after all.

After college I moved to another city to start working. I was lucky, because even though, work did neither interest me nor was I especially good in it, my work colleagues became a family for me. I had fun for the first time. But repeatedly, everything broke down. When restructuring in the company "destroyed" my family, I was devastated and became depressed. In the years to follow, that cycle repeated itself several times in different settings. Also in relationships, I always took the guys with personality disorders or such who mistreated me. Finally, after a big spell of depression and exhaustion, I quit working in the field that my mother liked, but unconsciously, I felt very guilty. Today I know that this guilt sabotaged my development in the direction of my true interest. For the last couple of years, while trying to get a freelance career started, I have been working part-time for an organization, which was great in the beginning, because there was the family feeling again, but then, everything broke down. Over a year ago I went NC with my FOO, after my Mom had emotionally blackmailed me very intensely and I just could not take it anymore. At the same time, my freelance work customer organization, which also was like a family for me broke away and the other organization, for which I work part-time has been undergoing big changes and also broke away as a substitute family.

That was it. I felt completely lost, which is now better after the therapy, but still I feel very much out of control and disoriented.

In the clinic I learned, that I suffer from what is sometimes called co-narcissism, a co-dependency from a narcissistic person. There are two types apparently according to a doctor, the regressive and the progressive type. And I fall under the regressive category. My mother had used my like a limb that needed to fit perfectly. For her, I was not separate person, but someone she controlled completely. During a family constellation therapy session I saw the picture that my Mom had a tight grip on my and put pressure on my shoulders. I could not escape.  After a while, my legs got so weak and I gave up and just leaned on her without trying to get away anymore. I find myself in that pictures, even though it was very hard to recognize that. I have been crying quite a bit, because this realization took away the last illusion of ever getting back a family which I so wanted.

Now it feels that my life has been shattered and I have to build it anew. This time it will be not my mother's life, but mine. I feel very insecure and often also very lost and wondering which way to pursue now. The programming of my mother is very strong. I have a behavioral therapist, but I am not sure, if she can help me the way I need it.

How have you progressed on your life after being aware of narcissistic abuse?

That is a very complex and individual question.

I wished I could have contact with my brother and my father, but my narcissistic mother has them under her control without them realizing it. Instead, according to my family I am the mean and selfish person now that I went NC and got attacked verbally by my brother. In his opinion, I was a traitor "because I did that to my poor Mom who was crying her eyes out". He still lives with my Mom at the age of 40+.

It is the more sad that I reconciled with my father a couple of years ago, when he apologized for him being an alcoholic during my childhood and youth and making my life miserable. Even though, my mother disapproved of this reconciliation and has always had only hateful words for my father, in conversations, he talked about her as "such a wonderful woman and all the mess was only his fault" and my brother's, because "he was a lazy brat". My father is like a dependent child, and even though my parents have been separated for 25+ years, he still calls on her to help him with paperwork and my mother apparently has contact with him, too, even though she hates him.

Looking at all the dependencies, lies, enmeshment and hate that has been going on for decades in my family, I decided it was healthier for me to go NC with my whole FOO. This does not mean that I am not sad about this development, especially when I see pictures on the Internet that my brother had posted where he looked like a ghost with a face like a rock and no smile and nothing. He is lost and I can't help him.

If your partner chose to go NC with his whole FOO, he may have a reason or just a desire to not have to deal with this mess anymore.

This is so beautiful here! Thank you so much, Blueberry, for introducing me to it  and thank you very much wife#2 for creating it!  Hello to everyone here  . I am Mia.

Today I feel like going to a nice and comfy lawn chair, sitting in the sun to relax the tension in my hip, which is hurting badly again today. I like to watch the puppies playing on the lawn and listen to the birds singing in the trees. There is a little breeze moving the branches slightly. It's wonderful breathing in fresh air and enjoying the stillness away from cars and traffic. I have a cup of herbal tea, which smells good. If anyone would like some, too, I made a larger pot to share 

This is the first time today that I can calm down a bit. I am so thankful I can be here with you all 

Dear Dee and ThreeRoses,

Thank you so much for the warm welcome! I am so grateful that I can communicate with people who have been through similar experiences. We can support and encourage each other on our path. I just refuse giving up the idea of a happy life without emotional abuse and having to apologize who I am !

I really want to discover more about myself and need to do something for my physical health, too. I love making music and singing in the choir, which helps relaxing. But I need to find some sports that I like, because of physical paint through tension. I am not sure about Yoga, have to see.

My compassion and love to you, too!

Thank you, sunmagic7,

It is very comforting that other people know this intense grieving, too. I realize, there is so much, I hadn't seen and that I hadn't been able to grieve while I was still in contact with my mother and subject to ongoing emotional abuse. This grieving is hard, but at times it seems comforting, too, getting it all out.

This afternoon, I went to a museum with a friend. One of the exhibitions showed a documentary about this city and people who were born and raised here. My friend immediately said, how much she appreciated this exhibitions for people like her, who were born here and not only for tourists.

I felt a stab in my heart. I was not born here, came here for my career almost 20 years ago, but have never really felt completely at home. Lately, I have been missing my birth region, the landscape, the dialect  a lot. I feel like I was chased away from my home from my family to a foreign place where I just did my best to adapt. Now, more and more, my longing comes out, perhaps for my true self.

I haven't mentioned that in my first post, but I left this job my Mom wanted for me and that made me sick 6 years ago. I am now on a career path that is pretty close to my heart, but I have problems marketing myself and trusting my abilities. I have sold my services way under what they are worth and made myself dedendent on people who do not appreciate what I can do.

Because this underearning behavior was not enough to sustain myself, I accepted a part time job, where my supervisor is now leaving. But this part time job, although providing emotional support and a sense of belonging to my collleagues, I don't earn enough money and have a lot of financial distress.

I just cannot get myself to be motivated enough and courageous enough to market my freelance services and earn the money I deserve. I think, I am still blocked from my Mom's judgment, who considered my current career and life below my standing.

It's all very much confusing. I feel like working on a puzzle that is my identity and my life.

I am very grateful for this forum and for being able to share my feelings! Thank you!

My grief is so big and I feel like constantly crying.

It is probably healthy to grief, but for me is only overwhelming and I am afraid of not being able to function anymore in life.

It feels like the surpressed emtions of 40+ years rise up at once and I can just not control them any longer.

It happened again - I found a surrogate family at my workplace, people that I trusted and with whom I shared meals, thoughts, joys and griefs and I truly felt comforable, at least a lot of times. That means a lot to me who has been single and living alone.

Now, my supervisor and his wife are going back to their home country, thousands of miles away. I feel the loss already, especially since I talked with him a lot about my dysfunctional childhood, my alcoholic father and my narc mother and it felt good.

I went NC with my FOO last year and I am ok with it, because they have emotionally abused me all my life. Only after going NC, I recognized, how severe the abuse was.

Now I also recognize that I have always looked for family, for this group of people I can belong to, I can trust, with whom I can share joys and grrief, laughter and meals, And I found people, at school, university, workplaces and for some time, all was well for me. I felt accepted, and appreciated. Then, a change occured, a restructuring in the company, merger, move, closing down of the department and just like that, I lost this group I considered "family" again.

I understand now, not back then, that I even endured the wrong kind of job that I did not feel comfortable with, just because I had this "surrogate family". For a long time, I followed the career, my Narc mother wanted, my success she bragged with to other people, the good position.

Now I feel this big loss, the loss of surrogate family and the family of origin, which was never there for me, but I have aways had this idea in the back that, whenever something happens, my FOO will be there. That is over now with the no contact.

I feel lost, shattered to pieces and feeld the need to build up MYSELF, not the false me from expectations my mother and other people had on me. I just don't know, how to do it.

Does anyone know that situation, too?