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Hello Bhu,

I'm not Indian, but I can relate to what you spoke about. I had some bullying experiences growing up, but for me my parents were the worst bullies. Like you, i have difficulty making friends my own age. My better friends tend to be older. I hadn't thought much about how my Mother interacted with my friends, but that is good to consider. I've realized she was very jealous of me for many years. She would often try to be best friends with my friends and drive a wedge between us.

Now that I am NC with my parents (3 years) I'm trying to figure out better ways to relate and connect to others. It's been hard! I find myself so wary. I've had friends and lost them but haven't known why.  I'm introverted naturally, but I can "get along" in groups. This doesn't mean I can make meaningful connections and I tend to feel lonely in groups a lot. I've been working with a therapist on this front. Boundary setting and being open to new and sometimes uncomfortable, but not necessarily bad circumstances. Putting myself out in social situations more. Not overwhelming ones, but seeking out things and communities that interest me.

I still haven't found a magic pill and I'm struggling with this too. Your not alone. I believe finding meaningful connections (and trusting yourself!) is one of the biggest keys to recovery. Hope we get there.

I've been there too, Blueberry. Most of the female relationships I had I encountered the same "feeling used" feelings. Even with my sister. My therapist discussed codependency in these relationships. Also she emphasized that I can't control how anyone else feels or reacts, and I have a valid reason to feel the way I do and express myself, just like anyone else. Sitting with you too if you need support. Just because your friend has been there for you doesn't mean you "owe" her and have to go along with her wishes. Your feelings are valid too.

Those inner critics are lethal! Affirmations have helped me. It's an uphill slog, but sometimes I'm able to see things a bit clearer and realize I do feel a lot better now than I used to. Do something kind for yourself. Look at someth8 g beautiful, laugh, dance, whatever it takes.

I've been NC with my parents for three years. I have not seen, contacted, or replied to any letters.
I have two young children (2 and 4), whom at every holiday or birthday they keep sending gifts through various flying monkeys (I.e. great grand parents, sister, or mail). Not A gift. Many gifts. Overwhelming gifts that are so irrelevant because they don't know my kids.

My husband and I agreed since my parents are not in my life that we would donate these gifts. I work at a school with many children in need, so these "gifts" go toward my students. The trouble is, after three years of NC the gifts keep getting more over the top and bigger in quantity. They often come over in bags and I've referred to them as "bags of guilt" 

These gifts tend to be very triggering to my anxiety/cptsd. I thought no response would make them stop, but no dice. It keeps getting worse. I'd rather not reply and break NC, but it's driving me nuts! Any way to deal? Any suggestions for perspective shifts so these gifts aren't so triggering?

Just the fact that you wrote this shows how much of your background you "get". It takes a certain strength to know and then state "somethings wrong here". Once you see the whole messed up picture it's hard to unsee things. I'm sorry you feel hopeless, but please know there are choices. Since you are 23 and not a minor you do have options. Humans are creative beings and one of our best qualities is to think our way out of "impossible" places. You are not alone. It may feel like it some days or moments, but here you are understood. You are supported. Figure out what kind of future appeals to you and take some baby steps. Sending love and support in the search for a future that may look very different to what you may have experienced.

So sorry. Hope you can get in early with some one else. Advocating for yourself is hard enough. We need supportive professionals.

I know speaking up, especially in a group may be terrifying. Is there a chance of speaking 1:1 to anyone in the group? Sometimes other people just are completely unaware, and it takes a lot of energy and courage, but giving others the chance to "see" us, even a little bit sometimes can turn out much better than expected. I don't mean turning on the faucet and confiding everything, but maybe one small part that might give insight as to what bothered you? Most people do like to be helpful, and are much more empathetic talking face to face. Sometimes being heard and understood by someone in person can be medicine. Best of luck!

I'm sorry to hear this. She doesn't sound like she was acting very professionally. Anyone else you can see for meds?

I have two little ones of my own and they can be a challenge, especially my 4year old. He likes to push my buttons. I also work at a middle school and the kids are even that much more challenging. Especially considering I work with students who have special needs. I have to remind myself that discipline is love, not abuse. So many of my students will get so fired up and angry if you hold them accountable, but they also end up loving you more if your consistent and predictable. What is scary to kids is when an adults rules change daily or feel arbitrary.

So good for you for sticking to your guns. Reassure yourself that you love your daughter and you have the skills to show her how to mend relationships. Conflict is a completely normal and human experience, even though most of us have experienced a perversion of that. Maybe look at the situation with a different pair of glasses. You got the opportunity to experience a healthy and normal conflict, and you reacted appropriately as a father? Looking at things different helped me to realize how much I've grown and I'm not repeating what I grew up with. It makes me proud. Hope you can be too.

My husband and I recently found out we were pregnant with kid #3. At first I was worried. I've been NC with my FOO for over a year. They have met the other two grandkids but probably won't meet this one, so I'm worried about the hoovering, possible letters or them stopping by (they live close by). I felt myself go into flashback mode, but I saw myself freeze. I called my therapist, have been doing my yoga/journaling/meditating. Calling my friends for support.  Ive realized this past year how much I have grown. I have all these coping mechanisms I never had before. I have friendships that are more like family and I can depend on. It's a wonderful supportive feeling. I feel I can carry a child again, whereas I couldn't even consider this previously.

I still worry a bit about what may happen, but I remind myself to stay in the moment. I always handle things differently in the moment than I can anticipate. I'm trying to get better at trusting myself. To know I will have my voice when I will need it. And for now I'm cautiously optimistic, and more peaceful than I thought I would be.

I'd like to join in the porch fun too. As a kids I vacationed in Maine at an old house that looked like a haunted house with a big wrap around porch. We got up early, went to check out the tidal pools down the road and came back with blueberries picked on the side of the road to make blueberry pancakes. After breakfast with all the cousins everyone rode their bikes and tricycles around the house. Thanks for helping me remember a good point from childhood 🙂

I heard there are therapists and friends that hear your story and will cry "for" you when you can't. I think when you have lived the story for so long you become numb to the pain that has been caused. No wonder, it's been self preservation for us all. But to have someone cry gives an inkling about how bad things really were, and maybe we should have the same compassion for ourselves as others might. Here's to you and recovery!

No idea Candid about the Truthteller. I think I've always known I was an Empath. For a while growing up I was the GC, but then as I started holding others accountable During and after college I became the SG.
In my family we have two with NPD (I.e father and grandmother) surrounded by borderlines. I think I may have been BPD for a while, but I didn't like myself (I felt mean, defensive, needy) and have tried hard to become a better person.

Thanks for the response blues_cruise. You put your finger right on it when you mentioned "having a child puts this stuff into perspective". I didn't really understand how wrong things were until after my daughter was born 2 years ago. So much of what I've done started out as fiercely protecting her. Then realizing I needed to parent myself I've since had to take some time off (I've gone part time at work) and gone through recovery. Some parts have completely sucked and it's hurt, but there's more good days than bad, and I really wanted to learn what it felt like to relate to people in healthy ways. Only way was NC bc the abuse kept happening.

The hardest part to deal with is reality. My parents live(d) in complete denial. I felt so betrayed. Figuring out what was real in our relationship was hard, because none of it was authentic. So much energy went into a relationship that took everything, didn't give back and was false. Not sure how much of love I even learned from them?

It has been good to see I wasn't the only one that knew things went wrong. My sister didn't tell me until almost 6 months after I confronted my parents about her abuse. It's taken her almost 2 years to tell my parents her side of the story. She's still in contact with them, but has no kids. As you said, kids change a lot. I do love my sister but years of abuse have also affected her as well. It's not easy to have a "normal relationship" with her. At times I feel I've just gone mad bc my whole family seems to really struggle with PD.

I hear you on having a parent that doesn't respect boundaries. My dad also removed doors/locks. Feeling hopeless to share your story and not being heard can be, as you say, devastating. I, too can only be on these forums on a limited basis. Otherwise it's too much. Kudos to us for seeing things as they are. Thanks for sharing.

Just here in the same boat with you. The quietness is hard to deal with, and I have a therapist too. I really like therapy and her guidance has been invaluable, but still it's there. The ache that turns into agony. Even my husband can't do much to ease it, and I have to feel it and let it pass. I hate doing it, but it's the only way to make it go away. Vacations and quiet times are so exhausting.