your story sounds very similar to mine. my mother is a fundamentalist Xtian. She talked a lot about being washed clean in the blood, etc. But I could never be clean because of the things that had been done to me. It was a chronic source of fear for me to go to * for my sins when I was only 9 or 10, when I really was just doing what I had to survive. How could I be dirty cuz of what "they" had done to me? Was God going to punish me for being dirty for the choices the adults in my life made. I was molested by my uncle and my mother and father knew it. I am a recovering alcoholic, but I never felt like I was getting better. I still made stupid man choices. I still had flashbacks. I still was depressed. I was still suicidal. I am 48 now and just was diagnosed with CPTSD and bipolar disorder. I feel so relieved. I have been through so much medication to help me. I have gotten divorced. I really thought getting sober would change everything, but it did not. I have stayed sober by the grace of God. That is all I can say. I have long searched for someone else who suffered religious abuse. I think it is like soul rape. Our connection with God is the most sacred and for that to be molested as well is just sickening. Still I cannot express how much I hate my mother.