Messages

Awesome Betamax! , I love seeing what you created. Art is such an beautiful form of self expression and can be very healing.
   

This is very helpful thank you!

This is interesting and totally understandable. The parenting style needs to completely change. And not just in the Netherlands.
My husband is from the East and they always are happy to look after their aged parents, he and his older brother helped their grandparents and did all the 'aged care' responsibilities and he always looks back on those times fondly.
I believe it has to do with one question parents need to ask ourselves/themselves. "which question is more important to us as parents?
How can i get my child to do as i say? (Which is generally more popular in the west)
or "What does my child need and how can i meet those needs?" Which from my own observation in Eastern countries they celebrate the child so much more as a whole person blossoming in their own unique way rather than trying to "MOLD" them into something the parents think they should be or act like.

I found these to be healing songs.

https://soundcloud.com/vashti-awaiz/sweet-girl-5

https://soundcloud.com/vashti-awaiz/beautiful-2nd-recording

https://soundcloud.com/vashti-awaiz/ebony-in-the-shadows

  Its similar to other forms of self harm which is something i struggle with, and its only obvious if i wear the 'wrong' clothes which I never do if I've had an episode. Im bothered because we are making lovely church friends and they are musicians like our family is but i always think if they knew what i did or what i look like under here they would be horrified and not want to be our friends. Please delete if this is not allowed to be discussed. But seriously what do others say, are you still accepted by friends if anyone has ever mentioned it (something i would never) but i want to know so i don't feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not to our friends..... if you get what i mean?

   to you both and I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with wondering how i can love myself.  I have been trying to 'get over it' and started going to a church making friends, being positive, doing up the house, helping the kids with holidays before that with all homeschooling. My husband tells me be grateful it changes everything. To be honest I'm grateful every day for EVERYTHING, even how my past life helps me be stronger, just can't seem to shake the self hatred, and i hate it because i know if i loved myself every day i would be so much more relaxed and happy around my kids. Struggling with trying to handle when my husband gets angry which isn't often, but i don't cope with it and go back into bad coping mechanisms which would disturb the children if they ever found out. I reckon i'll eventually grow out of all this crap. Trying to train my mind into being at peace, positive and happy, but how can you love yourself when you don't like so many things about yourself.?

Trig2 I commend you. I know it is v hard what you are going through. But i see such strength in you through your story. You are one courageous person. 

Thank you I like Vanilla, Im so glad you have found this helpful. 

  Thats awesome you have too though! Thank you so much DU!! I don't know where you find all the partying people but it looks really great!!

Today i am feeling a sense that recovery is happening. Usually I have EF's and they last for weeks. Today one started and i realized it was an EF and i was feeling sick and beating myself up over an abuse that happened to me and my reaction to it. I said to myself I am in an EF over and over and like usual it didn't work, then i thought what is the next step? I looked outside and saw the chickens and ducks and my lovely children and i told myself, I am here, not there. I am safe, nobody is thinking about this only me and its gone and passed. I am safe and happy with good family and friends around. It worked, it really worked! and all the bad feelings went away. Another EF started to happen later in the day and i did the same thing. Anyone else has tried this and it has worked and you feel instant relief and the fog clears and you start to feel safe and happy instead of all the negative hating yourself feelings?

P.S. Mother why am I the one who you have never accepted? you tell me it was my decision to leave the country but I did it 50% because you favoured my sister and never let me in your house the rest was better job opportunities and better future for our kids. If sis did that you would welcome her back with open arms every time. You have always found me 'rebellious' even though my sister can talk back to you and be real, I cant. You told me if I ever 'slept around' when I was a teenager or did drugs I would never be allowed in that house ever again. Sis did all that and you love her to bits. My husband was my first kiss, the first guy I held hands with and sis is the opposite to me. I will never be "good enough' for you so stop telling me its what I do that makes you not allow me back in the house.
Stop telling me this, its *. * * * * * * * * * *.

So how much else you tell me is *?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Welcome too,  and I am looking forward to getting to know more about you.

More for the journal:

Just remembered something small I wanted to write down as it helps me see how dysfunctionally my mother (unknowingly) treated me. I have to say unknowingly or I will hate her and let the anger out on my own family.

I remember never being allowed to go to friends houses. This my mother tells me was her way of protecting me because she had been SA which I really understand her mentality about this. However it kept me imprisoned. I remember one time she allowed me though, to go to a friend's house and my friend was into 'Phantom of the Opera" I couldn't understand how she was sitting with me and showing me that record and putting on her favourite songs. I just couldn't understand how she could feel like just sitting and doing that and her mum was leaving her alone. All that kept going through my head was, "where is your mum?" why is she letting her sit there and do this without interruption? how is she so relaxed and happy? All I remember saying to my friend was "do you peel potatoes?" she said "yes, I help my mum sometimes and peel potatoes." I said "does it take long"? she said no, I said this because I couldn't understand how she was talking about this happily. I then asked "how many potatoes does your family need?" she said 4-6, (pretty much the same as my family) I just vaguely was confused couldn't understand why I felt so different to her but she also had to help her mum.

Sometimes I get angry as I remember as a teenager trying to tell someone about my mother that I was afraid of her and they just showed me Bible verses and told me to pray.I wish they had taken me out of that house. They took my twin brother and I was so angry but it was because I was jealous and I needed him around. They could see how she was abusing him but I was being worse abused and they left me.

I agree with these responses. I see the anger etc and I also have too much anger and have had it so much since I was a child it seems it is a part of me although I wish it had never been put in me. I believe everyone is born with healthy anger and when shown by parents 'right' reactions in their own time of stress how to deal with anger then children can learn from them.
So yes I also blame my mother for making me very unhealthily angry and I have done wrong things with it, which makes me more angry at her.

Stillhere, I love your T's response of "i want to cry" this is necessary validation  

My T told me once (in the beginning when i was very angry at my mother because it seemed to me like everything she does and did to me was on purpose to try and make my life hard as she told me that about life) that blame is a hindrance to finding peace, and once we stop feeling blaming others we find more peace. So to me not having anger but knowing what they have done looks to be a positive step.

MA Shame however may be keeping you from seeing the real picture.

Trace, memories i think we have to sit through.  it strengthens us and helps us know what to do I believe when we allow the memories, sit with them and sit through this pain. I believe it helps us get through it in a healthy way rather than stifling them with alcohol or drugs or other ways.