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I'm glad it doesn't mess it up for you or when it does, you might delete Facebook all together.

I dunno, this feels rather pessimistic to me. Which was not something I expected. I do not intend to delete my Facebook account. I need it to stay connected with some of my support systems.

I posted this on Facebook a week ago and it really helped me sort through some of the new feelings I've been having since I started remembering my childhood more.  I would like to share it with all of you in hopes that it may have a healing power that resonates with you.
Thank you for reading.

Dear Bullies,

I hope that someday, somehow, this letter finds its way to you.  I doubt that it's likely to happen, but I think, at least, I'm allowed that hope.  Facebook has allowed me to keep tabs on you over the years.  I've wondered if you ever think about me and feel bad for treating me the way you did when we were growing up.  I've seen that you've been able to keep childhood friends over the years.  I've seen that some of you are married.  I've seen that most of you are doing well for yourselves. People look at you now as a friend, a partner, or maybe even a father.  But no one other than you and I really know who you once were.  You've done a good job of hiding what you did to me from those who are close to you. Perhaps you've even hid it from yourself. What would happen to you if people found out?  How do you think your family would respond, knowing that you took pleasure in punching me, kicking me, pushing me to the ground, and verbally abusing me for much of my childhood?

I've had to live the past 20+ years in fear, shame, and darkness because of you.  I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of you.

You get to sleep soundly at night without thinking about me; you get to go out in public without having to scan crowds for potential threats.  I don't.  Now that your actions are no longer blocked from my mind, I get to wake up most nights sweating in terror, reliving those moments we shared on the bus or the playground. You did that to me.  You damaged my brain.  You taught me to fear most and trust very few.

It's time that I bring others into the light of truth.  I don't want to live my life alone anymore.  I want to be able to go places and not get scared from loud noises or feel like I need to always have my back against a wall.  I want to be able to trust people more and be able to see the good in people, rather than having to make a genuine effort to find one.  I want to stop hating everything as much as I do. I want to rid myself of the guilt that comes from being so defensive that at times I became you. I'm finally learning to understand that what you did to me wasn't my fault. I'm ready to come to terms with how your actions caused my reactions to the world around me.

I know that one day I will need to forgive you. I'm not quite ready to do that yet. In a perfect world, I'd first want you to acknowledge what you've done.  Take responsibility.  Own your actions.  You killed a part of my childhood, and to this day, I still feel that loss. You need to know how you've impacted my life. So, if any of you out there think you know the people to whom I am referring, please feel free to share this letter with them.  It is, after all, for them. The years of mental and physical abuse inflicted upon me by these individuals and others likely not yet realized, resulted in years of repressed memories that are only now coming to light.

Bullies, if you've lived your lives up until now chalking your past actions off as typical childhood behavior, you need to know that you're wrong.

Let's talk about hypervigilance! 

Does anyone have any help they're willing to offer in terms of helping the general public understand what it's like to be hypervigilant?  Cause I'm coming up blank a lot of the time. It's hard!  And it's such a big part of my struggles with CPTSD, I feel like being able to help people understand it would go a long way for me feeling less isolated.

Thanks for the book suggestions. I'm not reading anything at the moment so I will definitely be checking my local library for both of those tomorrow.

Hello Everyone,

I am fairly new to OOTS. This will be my first post. I don't really know what I'm doing. Probably because I've kept to myself for 20+ years about my C-PTSD.  Well, I only just got "officially" diagnosed about 4 months ago.  Let's back up.

When I was in elementary and middle school, I was bullied nearly everyday by about 6 or so of my peers. The abuse I survived was mental as well as physical. I didn't ever tell anyone about it. I was too afraid of getting bullied more. 

When I entered high school things took a change almost 180° for me.  I started having a sense that everyone was out to get me. I became very standoffish with nearly everyone I came in contact with. Over those four years I lost nearly all of my friends because I turned into a bully because I felt like it kept me safe.

Just after my 18th birthday, I checked myself into an in-patient mental health hospital wing.  There, I was (wrongly) diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder and Obessive Compulsive Disorder.  I started taking medication for each and began therapy. 

Now let's fast forward 12 years. I'm now 30, married, and believe it or not, I work in a school. It's a Special Ed school, but a school nonetheless.  About half a year ago I started getting concerned about a recent increase in my agitation. I would get incredibly angry with some of my coworkers and would start disassociating when I hit my boiling point.  I decided to seek out help again and took a battery of various tests including the MMPI-2.  The MMPI revealed that I in fact DO NOT have I.E.D. and probably don't have O.C.D. it was just C-PTSD masking itself as other disorders. Suddenly everything in my life started to make sense. But with that clarity came memories. Memories that I had repressed for 20+ years. I started having periods of disassociation, panic attacks, always feeling like I need to be up against a wall. The memories also brought a level of depression that I've never experienced before.

Now I just sit around all day wondering when I'm going to mentally "check-out". I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating well, and I took up smoking again. I can feel my life spiraling out of control and despite the wonderful support system I have from my family, friends, and my wife (oh, and my therapist, but that's her job).  I just don't care about much anymore. I just want to be left alone to stare blankly into space all day. I don't know how to get out of that funk.

For what I thought could potentially be cathartic, I posted an open letter to my bullies on Facebook yesterday. I got a lot of sympathy, some from people I haven't talked to since I was a kid.  The sympathy felt good, but I've gotten no contact from my bullies. I want them to read the letter. I want them to apologize. I want to move on. I know I'm not ready to forgive, but getting some acknowledgement of wrongdoing would be a good start I think.  But instead I feel as though I weigh 1200 pounds and I'm climbing a staircase that never ends.  The letter didn't help me the way I wanted it to.

Which returns us to why I'm here. I just need to know that I'm not alone. I just need to know that someone's been where I am and has overcome it. I'm so sick of the misanthropy and anger. But it's all I know. And I don't know how to change it. Therapy helps, but it is clear that my therapist can't fully relate to me.  I feel like no one can.

Anyway. This has gotten way too long and I doubt anyone is still reading. If you've gotten this far, thank you. I don't really know what I'm going to get out of OOTS. But it's probably a better option than sleeping my life away.