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Dear dad,

I find myself waiting for you to die. Don't mistake this statement with a vengeful intent. I don't wish you were dead as punishment for anything you have done or neglected to do. It isn't something that makes me happy or satisfied. I'm sorry you are ill and are suffering. You have been suffering for so long I honestly don't know how you have managed to stay alive. No one deserves the suffering you have gone through.

Because you are suffering, and because I know you are broken, and because I am sure you must be full of regrets even though you have never said "I'm sorry" (maybe you even regret not saying "I'm sorry"), I probably will never say these things to you. There doesn't seem any point after all these years. I know that no one who is emotionally healthy would neglect and harm his own children in the ways you did when we were growing up. There is something deeply hurt within you, and I have no wish to hurt someone who seems incapable of taking responsibility and trying to make amends. But some things need to be said in this letter, for me, and not for you.

I have lived almost 50 years never knowing the love of a father. In the past few years since mom died, you have said the words, "I love you" a handful of times, and I have said those words back because I do love you, and I do believe you love me as best as you can.

I have lived, however, all these years, with a deep sense that I am deficient, of low value, unlovable, and undeserving, and I think you would be devastated to hear that this is because of you. I'm not sure if you even realize the damage you have done, I think the years of drugs and alcohol have damaged your ability to understand. I grew up never feeling like you had my back. When you yelled and were angry with me whenever I needed clothes for school, when you begrudgingly took us to KMart for back to school shopping and refused to come in the store with us because we were wasting your time, and when you ran in the store to yell at us because we were taking too long (20 minutes?), and scowled and complained about the money you had to spend so I could have a new shirt for school, I didn't know other families weren't the same but that didn't stop it from hurting.

When I saw you violently assault my 9 year old big brother, I hid behind the couch, terrified that I would be next. Late at night, when your truck would pull into the driveway I would bury myself under the covers and under my pillow but I couldn't drown out your drunken berating of our mother. You criticized and demeaned her relentlessly. You complained about the food she had lovingly prepared 6 hours before at dinnertime, that it was dry and inedible and that she was useless and did nothing. You wailed and argued and I just wished I was somewhere else.

After years of this, it is no wonder I didn't fight back at the bullies in grade school. I was conditioned to believe I was worthless garbage, so I kept my head down and accepted my fate, accepted the daily barrage of put downs and punches and kicks, even when the teacher punched me in the head and knocked me out momentarily, I didn't tell you or mom because I never knew it wasn't acceptable.

I don't need to go on and list all the ways you harmed me and formed the way I view myself. It seems pointless. I honestly don't hate you for any of it. I even forgive you. That doesn't mean I am no longer affected. You didn't know you were instilling the programs in my brain that have made my life a constant struggle.

When I see my godchildren, I have nothing but love for them. I can't imagine wanting anything but the best for them. It thrills me to see them happy and love spending time with them. They are beautiful and pure. I was beautiful and pure too, dad. I wish I knew that. I wish you saw that. How damaged you must have been to be so neglectful, so angry, to a small child.

I am sad that even though you are my dad, it's like I never really had a dad. I have a void, a space inside that was never loved. I don't even know how to be loved, how to accept love. I have chosen people who don't know how to love because that seems right. I have rejected those who try to love me because that feels foreign and fake. I can't believe it's true.

I have worked very hard over the years to heal the damage you have done in me. It feels like I am climbing up a crumbling hill.

When mom died, I felt like the only person in the world who truly loved me was gone. You say you love me, and I know you love the best way you know how, but when you have never acknowledged the harm you have done, when you have never apologized for any of it, there is no love for me to receive. I forgive you, but it's hard to forgive someone who never acknowledges a need to be forgiven.

If you ever came to me, and expressed regret for the neglect and abuse in my childhood, if you simply said you were sorry, so much could be healed. Just to hear it from you, to help me shed the shame that I was to blame, that I was worthless, when all along the shame belonged to you. I have carried your shame as my own all these years.

When you die, I will cry a thousand tears. I will grieve the father I never had. I guess that's what I've been doing my whole life.

Good for you! Life is too short to put up with one-sided or annoying "friendships".

Does "The Body Keeps the Score" explain the treatment process?

Yes, it explains several different types of therapy, and how this is an injury, not an illness.

Oh I see, so do something out of my comfort zone. Well, I am frozen by the possibility of rejection, so asking my "friend" to go on vacation with me seems daunting. But yes, I think you are right. I need to take some risks to get me out of this loneliness. Thanks for responding.

Does "The Body Keeps the Score" explain the treatment process?

Yes, it explains several different types of therapy, and how this is an injury, not an illness.

Thanks!

Thanks for sharing your experiences kat. I didn't realize there would be physical contact. I don't get much of that in my life so I can i imagine it would evoke some emotions. I'll have to do some more reading but it sounds like it's working for you which is great.

I searched somatic experiencing and this came up. I'm interested in knowing more, have you had any more s.e. sessions Kat, and have they been helpful?

Thank you for the welcoming replies! I've been feeling hopeless and alone and your responses cracked that a little.

Three Roses: I've googled the books, and read a sample of the first one on my kindle, it looks intriguing! Does "The Body Keeps the Score" explain the treatment process? Is it along the lines of somatic experiencing? I've looked into that a little and I think it might help me. It looks interesting.

Ricepen22: What do you mean by a "small shock"? Literally electric shock treatment? I love to travel too, and have recently gone on some trips and enjoyed them immensely, but always going alone is getting old. Still, I refuse to sit at home just because I have no skills for building friendships.

Kat: You have a way of infusing empathy, thank you.

I don't know about you, but the worst part of struggling with Complex PTSD for me is wanting to be heard but too afraid to say anything. It's easier anonymously, on a forum like this. So here I am.

I was diagnosed with Complex Ptsd about 12 years ago. I had three months of trauma therapy and just when it seemed to be peeling at the surface, the funding was over. I had been unemployed and unable to pay, and then for the next 6 years I worked for barely more than minimum wage and couldn't afford therapy.

I've dabbled in some alternative self-help therapy since then, namely something called eft or tapping, and it actually really helped desensitize me to some of my childhood trauma, and that made some things better in my life, such as I no longer feel threatened by people in authority, I am not as fragile as I used to be emotionally, I don't get "set off" so easily.

But problems persist, particularly the deep sense of shame, I have a persistent sense that I have very little value as a person. I have a handful of friends but there is very little to no depth in those relationships. As far as a romantic relationship, the deep inner shame keeps me alone because I feel too defective to be worthy of anyone's love, particularly if they got to know me. That said, I do have a very shallow "physical" relationship that has lasted several years, which seems to be better than nothing but I think it also serves to support my belief that I'm not worthy of love and relationship.

I spend almost all my free time alone, where if I don't keep busy I fall into deep sadness and loneliness and can't see it ever being any different. I still hope for change even though I'm almost 50, and I've been lonely my whole life. I'm here hoping something will spark a change, maybe I'll see something that will help me. I can't imagine I could be of help to anyone else at the moment, but stranger things have happened.

I have some really good childhood memories, which I tend to focus on. Many of the bad memories I seem to have been able to "neutralize" as far as how they affect me emotionally, thanks to eft. However, the deep sense of shame and failure as a person, that is still there for me.

Childhood trauma took many forms, alcoholic father who was predictably unpredictable, neglectful, abusive physically and emotionally, I witnessed severe abuse of one of my siblings, lots of berating of my mother. My father made me feel like I was a nuisance, in the way of his happiness. At 10 years old I was made to feel like a mooch because my shoes fell apart and I had the audacity to ask for new ones. My father would leave without notice for several weeks on end and we would not know when he would return, which on one hand was a relief but on the other hand you never knew when the peace would end, and as he was the sole breadwinner we scrounged for food in his absence.

Teachers were abusive both physically and emotionally to me. For one school year two entire grades of students ganged up on me and daily told me I was ugly, useless, filthy, disgusting, a loser, etc, and two larger older students who had failed a couple years used to chase me and kick, punch me etc. Teachers never intervened and I never told my parents because life was bad enough as it was at home, I didn't want to trouble them.

So I've always struggled with friendships, severe anxiety, depression, in my early 20s I was suicidal. I've had some good brief moments in my life for which I am grateful, and I try to focus on those. But lately the loneliness is eating away at me and I feel like I am giving up to depression. So I've come here hoping to find some hope or suggestions on what I can do to better my life. Thanks for reading.