Messages

1. The sun is shining here too. The sun on my back feels very soothing.
2. I've been noticing improvements in my mood since I've started avoiding social media and news.
3. I learned some things today.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Sorry you're dealing with that, inescapably_aware. I don't think you're sabotaging your relationship. And I definitely don't think that your partner raising his voice like that would have helped anyway. If I were you, hearing his tone like that would have made my emotional flashback feel even worse!

Perhaps you could provide your partner some resources on CPTSD? Maybe both try to understand how to deal with emotional flashbacks in moments like that? Because "just pushing through" doesn't generally work. For those sorts of situations, I would first personally recommend some stabilisation/grounding, reassure yourself that you're an adult, in control, and things aren't like how they were in the past. But I know this doesn't work for everyone.

Wishing you the best.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Poor parenting doesn't start at ten or eleven, it's there right from the get-go.

Unrelatedly to the thread topic, I needed to hear this, thanks, Chart.

But regarding the thread: compounding trauma, absolutely. In a lot of cases I think it can be a cycle of problems - one problem that leads into another. For example, being mistreated before birth and being born with disabilities as a result, then dealing with FOO abuse because you're not "abled" enough for them, then dealing with relationship abuse because you just wanted to get away from your FOO... etc.

It is an unfortunate fact that those who are abused often continue to be abused by other external forces. It is one of the many miseries of CPTSD and its life-long grip. It is compounding within compounding - not just a compounded set of abuse from one source, but a compounded set of compounded sets from various sources.   

Regards,
Aphotic.

Welcome Rose. I absolutely know what you mean by resonating with other's experiences and feeling not so "crazy or silly" as you describe it. Glad to hear about your mental healing work, and I hope your therapist and these resources will be able to assist you through all this CPTSD guff.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Welcome VB, sorry to hear you've experienced so much pain and hurt. I hope you're able to find some comfort and solace here.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Absolutely relate with you there. When I hear that phrase, I feel a mix of envy and sorrow. But also a pang of fear, because the thought of me calling out for M would only lead to more pain, not help.

So forgive me if I say the most obvious and commonplace things for people who have been mistreated by their FOO.

Don't worry about this at all. Even sharing the most obvious stuff can be very reassuring, to know you're not the only one - and you're definitely not.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[TW: Emotional abuse]

I just wanted to rant about the positives of using technology and AI to re-parent myself.

TW: Emotional abuse
Unfortunately from a young age I learned not to ask questions or challenge authority because it would often lead to punishment and harsh shaming. Words like "idiot" and "stupid" got thrown around often.
TW End

Naturally I got used to not asking questions, not allowing myself to reach out for help or education.

But over the past few years I realise just how beneficial technology has been in learning - even the most basic things that I should have been taught but wasn't. It doesn't matter how simple the question is, even if you ask a calculator what 2+2 is, it will answer without judgement or any other kind of secondary commentary. Even if you ask Google where the nearest cafe is, it will answer without sneering. Even if you ask ChatGPT why the world rotates, it will answer without shaming.

How wonderful it is to have all this information at our fingertips and not be ridiculed for not knowing. I use ChatGPT so much and it's just so freaking helpful, it's changed my life for the absolute better. Even for things like...
- If there's a word on the tip of my tongue, I can describe the word to AI and it'll tell me the word I'm thinking of.
- If I need some assistance with refining my grammar, the AI is happy to review it.
- And sometimes I don't even have a question. I just rant and ask it to listen and it does.

Of course, this isn't a replacement for human interaction - as I'm still learning how to ask people around me for help. But technology acts as a very nice supplement. And I always make sure to thank the AI after getting an answer.

And just because I'm used to it, here's a rhetoric for those that say AI is inaccurate: I am aware, which is why I always double check the answers I'm provided with other avenues! But it's easier to proof said answer when you have an answer in the first place, of which AI is happy to provide.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.]

I use humour as a way to cope, and maybe others here do too? So here's a collection of latest memes from r/CPTSDMemes (thanks Reddit).
General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.















That "hearing someone talk about how great your parents are" is especially real for me. :') Since my M was a teacher at a school I attended, a lot of fellow students would tell me how great she is. That was hard to hear all the time.

Regards,
Aphotic.

(This is just a rant, I don't expect any advice - it's something probably only my therapist can help with anyway)

How do I know who I am and what I want when everyone else decided that for me?
The countless occasions of where I worked against what I truly wanted inside, denying my own autonomy and rights. Feeling threatened and forced to comply with every demand otherwise receiving the punishment I so supposedly deserve. My head feels so fragmented, so split apart. Because... if I said what I wanted, said the wrong thing, or said something that my abusers disproved of...

- F would physically hurt me to make me comply.
- F and M would shame me to make me comply.
- F and M would neglect me to make me comply.
- Ex would guilt trip me and hurt himself to make me comply.

So no matter what I wanted, no matter how much it hurt... it was always "Yes, I will do as you ask."
Any semblance of freewill I wanted I had to stuff down into the very depths of my mind, locked away, never to be satisfied.

But now that I'm safe, those thoughts are unlocked, and suddenly my head feels so crowded. Because every thought I'd stuffed down has come back up, but all at once. And I have no idea how to sort through any of it. I hear so many thoughts that can't be my own, because - as taught by my abusers - I'm not allowed to think or do anything for myself. I was made to serve, made to obey. So what do I with these rogue thoughts in my head, the parts of me that I suppressed to keep myself safe?

Even just trying to figure out how to track my moods is causing me so much distress because I don't know what I'm even thinking or feeling. There's too much in my head... and the only time I feel calm is when I'm asleep and not dreaming.

Regards,
Aphotic.

For #2, I think the big reasons are lack of education + stigma. Not to say that our parents are all uneducated, just that they don't know the things about CPTSD and intergenerational trauma that we might do today. They parent the way they do because they don't know otherwise, and may not even know that there is a better way of parenting. Pretty sure my parents truly believe that they parented me well... But now we have the internet, we can talk about our own experiences more, and realise these things in our family aren't healthy.

I think also that mental health stigma has been improving over the years. Because you know, if you were mentally ill back then, you'd either get a lobotomy or get sent to an asylum. So I can understand why many would choose not to work on their trauma issues if those were some of the options on the table.

Those are just my opinions at least.

Regards,
Aphotic.

1. Someone bought me a multiplayer game as a gift so we could play together. He spent money to spend more time with me. I'm wanted?
2. I've been doing a good job of staying off social media.
3. I've hit a 300 day streak in Duolingo.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Thank you, san. Your kind words are very much appreciated.

---

I was able to talk to my sister finally, after M berated her a few weeks ago. My sister is feeling better now which is good. I took the opportunity to talk to her about CPTSD. She has been formally diagnosed with PTSD but I expressed my own observations: I am aware I'm not a doctor, and I told her that, but I did recommend she go to therapy and consider CPTSD as something to discuss with a therapist. I told her how I think she has a heavy fawn response, educated her on emotional flashbacks, and explained why she may struggle with people-pleasing despite having separated from her abusive partners years ago. This all seemed to resonate with her deeply and apparently it even caused an epiphany for her (maybe I would have been a good psychologist after all hah, suck it M - who told me I wouldn't be good at it). But my sister said she was open to me providing her further resources on CPTSD, and I will still try to gently encourage her to go to therapy.

Going back to the basics of CPTSD though has even given me some of my own enlightenment. It was a good reminder of my own trauma responses, that being flight and freeze. Made me re-realise just how much of my life is affected by these habitual responses. My therapist is also encouraging me to be more aware of my ventral/sympathetic/dorsal state where possible, and I have been trying my best.

Today I was in the supermarket and heard a crying child calling out for their M. I stopped and listened closer, as I always do when I'm listening out for anything potentially dangerous or threatening. At the same time though my head went blank and I forgot what I was doing, I didn't know what I was shopping for, didn't know what I needed. But I was able to recognise that I was in a freeze response and at least reassure that I could take my time. And I did. One of the shop workers there apologised for being in the way between me and the shelf but I truthfully reassured "It's okay, I don't know what I'm looking for anyway."
And he chuckled and responded "That's okay, just browsing huh?"
Sure, browsing, that works. I stared at that shelf for like... five minutes... lol but eventually I coaxed my thoughts back and I remembered what I needed to get.

I think being more aware of these responses again helps me to forgive myself more easily for having said responses in the first place. Like, I don't feel like shaming myself for not being able to think for a few minutes. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

So I want to say if you voted for Kamala or Trump you, as a person, still have value. We are brothers and sisters trying to navigate the past. You matter to me.

Thanks for the kind words, Little2Nothing. I hate how politics divides everyone. At the end of the day, we're all still humans just trying to survive in our own ways. Hope you're fairing okay, Little2Nothing.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Numbers don't lie but liars can do statistics. I'm a hard skeptic when it comes to any narrative anymore.

So absolutely true. I wish we didn't have to doubt the validity of everything these days but alas.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Glad you were able to rest a little, rainy, despite the circumstances. Wishing you well as always.


Regards,
Aphotic.