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Hi Hope,
Your journal has really touched me. Thanks for sharing so much of your thoughts and feelings.

I find it so hard to cope with coming to terms with CPTSD and the journey of recovery, partly because I think it is so hard for the people who haven't been through it to understand and I don't know anyone in my day to day life who has been through it.
I can relate to much that you have shared. I have a narcissistic father and have gone no contact. The cocktail of emotions of rage, grief, shame and guilt are a journey for sure. I'm reading through Pete Walker's book and trying to process so many feelings.

I'm glad to read that your sister reached out and you felt some understanding from her.
I'm told by a few people who get it it's all about feeling our feelings. I've been feeling my rage for about a year, mornings are when it pops up, just allowing it to be, going to a safe room, breathing into my gut and punching a pillow until I collapse into the grief. That has helped a lot. I've just realised I have this huge well of guilt in my gut now too. The guilt seems to be a part of the inner critic, for example, telling me now that I shouldn't be hogging you journal by talking about myself! But I felt to share with you as you've written so much and I thought maybe it could help.

It's so hard, I'm 37 and only in the last year since becoming a mum have I really started to see just how unhealthy the relationship has been with my parents. That a part of me hasn't separated emotionally. That I don't feel completely able to live my life. That I worry about everyone else (guilt) and feel responsible for everyone else. It hit me last year, when I very very politely asked my parents to not talk over me (almost every sentence was always cut off mid way through) and I got told off for being pompous and got the silent treatment after that. I realised how much I/we still played the same role as when I was a kid. As i started to try to break out of that role, my dad resisted and cut off from me.

I guess I'm trying to say I understand a bit how hard it is trying to reverse an unhealthy role that was imposed on us as kids and then we unknowingly continue it into adulthood. To me it feels like I'm trying to swim against a really strong current. Having to always be careful about what you say/feel/do.  Have you had any further contact/sharing with your sister about it? She sounds like she gets it and hopefully that relationship can really support you now.

take good care
Bev xx

Hi everyone,
I've recently joined this forum as just recently learnt of CPTSD and the symptoms explained so much to me about how i feel.
I have a baby who is 19 months and parenting has made me face stuff at a deeper level.
I had post natal depression by the time he was 1yr. Around that time I really struggled in the mornings. I took sleeping pills as anxiety was preventing me from sleeping well. Gradually I got better and it became manageable. Recently my son experienced separation anxiety and that seemed to trigger some unidentifiable old childhood anxieties of my own. Again mornings became very difficult, but rather than depression or sleep deprivation - "CPTSD" and emotional flashbacks fit what's been happening.
One morning recently I had what I thought was a panic attack (an EF) because my husband looked at me and complimented me?!? That was what motivated me to research. I felt so angry at him for 'making' me feel that way. I can't bear to have any attention on me in the morning. Attention at other times (in a group or in certain 1:1s) sets me off.
I've tracked the morning EF to being triggered by the outer critic. I thought I woke with them, but realised it's in relating and in what I tell myself about the person (namely my husband) that triggers them. Overwhelming rage ( I walk away to a room alone and punch and scream), fear, shame (i hide and sob).
After reading some of Pete Walker's book, I realised that a millisecon before the outer critic starts ranting in my head, my torso tightens. There's this sensation of locking down in my abdomen or diaphragm. Breathing into this seems to prevent the outer critic from getting going. It's like if my abdomen is relaxed, the critic has no foundation on which to stand and start the abuse.
I'm not sure if this is helpful to anyone or anyone has similar experiences, or any other tips that can help me. I think the most helpful thing itself would be to connect with other people and share as i don't know anyone else going through this.
I can keep the critic from being passive aggressively distant and stay present enough to not hurt my husband but it still feels like a battle. By breathing through it, it's a much better start to the day and that lasts throughout the day, as if I can't control it I then go into inner critic mode about having been being cold or distant. But part of me also wonders if I am avoiding the feelings that are wanting to come up?
Any thoughts appreciated. Thank you

Hi,
Thanks for asking and I hope you are doing ok.

I've just joined the forum and mornings are when I get them too. Always very strong in the mornings and most days.

I've been told different things about why mornings can be worse. I noticed that when I sleep deeper they are stronger. I think that this is because my body relaxes during the night and in the morning the EF is part of the constantly being on-guard coming back online. It feels that way. I managed today to head it off at the pass for the first time after reading about the inner/outer critic stuff and sensing that just a millisecond before the critic blurb, there is this sense of the tensing starting in my body, right through my gut, where I feel the shame/fear during/after EF.

I don't know if that helps. A therapist also said we can be more vulnerable in the morning due to having fully rested/relaxed/let guard down, and that vulnerability can scare us into an EF. Mornings are also hard for a lot of people without even throwing CPTSD into the mix.

Do you wake with them, or do they come on very shortly after waking as thoughts creep in? I thought I was waking with them, but then noticed the critic was going into hyperdrive upon waking and this was triggering them.

Bev