I was bullied. Severely. I spent years as a child ostracized from my peers. I was shamed, ridiculed, and not just picked on by perpetrators, but treated like garbage by just about every one of my peers. Somehow I wore the scarlet letter. I did nothing wrong; I was just quiet and shy, and younger than the rest. I still don't understand why I was targeted so heavily. I just know that it ruined my self-esteem. My grades plummeted. My mood changed. I lost all my friends. My parents didn't much notice; too preoccupied with religious delusions and their own emotions and narcissism. I feared going to school everyday, i feared going to sleep. I only found joy from 5pm when I knew I was home safe to 8pm, before going to bed which reminded me of the * to come. To this day, I am only at peace during those three hours.
I am seeing an analyst now to work through this, as I have simply dissociated and worn personas to make it this far in life (30 yo). But I am so alone. Unbearably alone. I do not mean lonely. I have a partner, friends, and family, who are available. But Being around other people makes me more alone often. Part of what i'm doing is learning to trust human beings again... but i hate everyone, at my core. I am friendly, and am trying. But really, I think deep down, I hate everyone. I know that people, most people will just watch bad things happen, and add in if it is socially beneficial. Ive seen it, over and over, and over, for years from countless individuals. and even though I know rationally this isn't the whole picture, this is what my emotions believe. as a result, I am so alone, because I am so guarded. I can't stand the abandonment, of having had no help for all those years. When my current partner needs any space, it is so painful for me, to the point that I damage the relationship. I can barely function. I feel so alone. Please please please tell me that there's a way to not feel so alone. I just need some hope. Thank you.
I am seeing an analyst now to work through this, as I have simply dissociated and worn personas to make it this far in life (30 yo). But I am so alone. Unbearably alone. I do not mean lonely. I have a partner, friends, and family, who are available. But Being around other people makes me more alone often. Part of what i'm doing is learning to trust human beings again... but i hate everyone, at my core. I am friendly, and am trying. But really, I think deep down, I hate everyone. I know that people, most people will just watch bad things happen, and add in if it is socially beneficial. Ive seen it, over and over, and over, for years from countless individuals. and even though I know rationally this isn't the whole picture, this is what my emotions believe. as a result, I am so alone, because I am so guarded. I can't stand the abandonment, of having had no help for all those years. When my current partner needs any space, it is so painful for me, to the point that I damage the relationship. I can barely function. I feel so alone. Please please please tell me that there's a way to not feel so alone. I just need some hope. Thank you.