Messages

Thank you no_more_guilt. I really am doing so much better now. Going through the EFs are torture, but at the same I think it's part of the healing process. This one was the worst I have experienced. I think it was because my memories were telling me that without a doubt I was abused. My inner child was crying that my mother could not have loved me if she treated me like that. It brought me to my knees sobbing. There was no way I could deny it.

But acknowledging it is a huge step in the right direction of letting go of the guilt and the shame. The guilt and shame is on her. Even if I had misbehaved as a child, it was her job to show me in a loving manner how to behave, not to belittle or hit in anger.

I had an opportunity to speak with my friend and his wife on Wednesday about what he spoke about and how it affected me. This couple are fairly new friends to DH and I, but a couple that we have grown close to pretty quickly. He said that when he speaks about the abuse he went through, it takes him about 2-3 days to get rid of the toxic feeling. Besides DH, these two people were the first two people that I have spoken to about the abuse. Just speaking out about it helped so much. It's like a barrier was broken.

Thank you. I'm doing a lot better today. I'm in a more accepting place. I'm still having waves of grief, but not that overwhelming sense of hopelessness and anger. I know I have a lot of healing to do and I know there are a lot of memories that will still probably come up. One step at a time.

I've been NC with NM since Oct and I thought I was handling things fairly well. When it became obvious to me what her behavior was and I was tired of dealing with it, I said enough. DH and I discussed it and we agreed that it was the best thing. Logically I KNEW I did the right thing, but there was still a part of me that kept thinking maybe I was making a bigger deal of things than what it was. I wasn't severely beaten as a child..just slapped across the face quite frequently or "spanked" for reasons I didn't understand. I also was yelled at or put down on a daily basis. But maybe I deserved it or maybe she didn't know better. I know these are just excuses..there are no reasons for this type of behavior, but I was still willing to take some of the blame on myself.  Going NC with her was done from more of a logical standpoint because I wasn't feeling anything except maybe anger over more recent garbage she had pulled.

On Sunday evening, I was triggered bad by being in a place where I heard someone speaking about severe childhood physical abuse and the abuse he had endured as a toddler and the subsequent damage. This is a friend and I was not aware the subject was going to be brought up. He went into detail about it. I was not able to leave the venue and it stirred up a lot of emotions in me. I have been crying off and on since then, feeling really tense and angry at times, feeling really sad at other times and wanting to lock myself in the bathroom and not come out. I'm not sleeping very well and when I do I'm having weird dreams. I'm also remembering a lot of stuff that happened from when I was a child. I feel validated by my own memories, but also crushed at the same time.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this or how to stop it. I saw my T today and he said I was experiencing C-PTSD because of being triggered on Sunday night.  I've never experienced it this bad before.

As a child I was slightly overweight...5-10 lbs, but nothing major. NM frequently me feel bad for it. Around 11-12 years old..an age where a pre-teen should be developing a healthy body image and self-esteem..she told me that I was too fat and no one would ever want to date me or marry me. I remember with vivid clarity where I was and I am in my mid-40s now. I have always had issues with body image and believing I was pretty or attractive, no matter how many times I am told.

I did go on to gain a significant amount of weight as an adult. I believe it was a result of her treatment, but did go on to lose it and get healthy. Over the past two years, I have been through some significant medical trauma and have now gained some weight back. I'm lucky to be alive and am not able to exercise a lot at the moment. I try to walk around my neighborhood when I can. I have to be careful in what I do because the wrong thing will leave me passed out cold on the ground.

Two nights ago, I was hit with an intense feeling of shame about the weight gain. All I could think about was my NM telling me how I would never be acceptable or lovable because I was too fat. It doesn't matter everything I've accomplished in my life. It doesn't matter that I have a wonderful DH and DS. I have a wonderful group of supportive friends, people I consider family.  I haven't even been able to tell DH and I tell him almost everything. He knows something is wrong. I haven't been able to shake it. I just want to hide in our bedroom in the dark and never go out in public again so people don't have to look at me.

I know this isn't real, but how do I shake it?

I'm finding I have to work very slowly through the book. It's too much for me to handle all at once.

I have dealt with a lifetime of abuse from a uNPDM and an enF. My brother has always been the GC while I was the SG. I've known for many years that something was wrong, but I didn't have a name to put on it until this past fall. EnF died last Spring and NM went from about a 6 to a 20 inner craziness and abuse. In an attempt to find a way to deal with her, I started doing research and discovered PDs. i've been NC with her for 5 months, but have found, in some ways, the anxiety and fight or flight response to be worse now. I've started reading Pete Walker's book and realize that it's very likely I have CPTSD and am trying to figure out my path as I deal with all of this and get healthy.