Messages

Hi Kat,
So sorry to hear about what you're experiencing.
It doesn't sound to me like your an alcoholic, (though I'm no professional either), this is just my opinion based on what I've been learning through this process as well. It sounds to me like a maladaptive coping mechanism, which it is, and whether your a true "alcoholic" or not is debatable. The reality is that, your using alcohol as a way to midegate the internal pain you feel inside. But, there are other
(healthier) ways to cope! There has to be, as I'm am struggling with a similar struggle, and thats smoking marijuana. It helps me, soothes me, and gives my body a chance to relax. With long term recovery work though, it takes time, patience, pain and repetition. Through therapy (lots of therapy! PE) treatment and proper support, I will be able incorporate all of the coping skills I've learned through this whole process. & I believe the same can be done for you. I believe Kat, as painful as it is, you can learn healthier and better ways to cope with how you feel inside and truly begin to heal your wounds.
Set goals, tiny ones, to give yourself a jump start to making the changes YOU want & need for yourself. Don't beat yourself up though if you don't meet the goal you set either, give your self, the compassion and self love YOU deserve. This is a process that we (I feel) will always be continuing to grow and learn from recovery/recovering, and that means making mistakes too. 
I also didn't find AA beneficial either,  "#2 - I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."
I don't believe that anyone but ourselves can truly heal us. You have it within you Kat, it just takes work, time and patience with yourself (Therapy & Support too) . You can learn differently and begin to heal.
Accepting that this is a process, makes doing the "work" a little bit easier.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking
"Moderate alcohol consumption:
According to the "Dietary Guidelines for Americans 2015-2020," U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and U.S. Department of Agriculture, moderate drinking is up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men."
"Binge Drinking:
NIAAA defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings blood alcohol concentration (BAC) levels to 0.08 g/dL. This typically occurs after 4 drinks for women and 5 drinks for men—in about 2 hours.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), which conducts the annual National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), defines binge drinking as 5 or more alcoholic drinks for males or 4 or more alcoholic drinks for females on the same occasion (i.e., at the same time or within a couple of hours of each other) on at least 1 day in the past month."
"Heavy Alcohol Use:
SAMHSA defines heavy alcohol use as binge drinking on 5 or more days in the past month."
"NIAAA's Definition of Drinking at Low Risk for Developing Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD):
For women, low-risk drinking is defined as no more than 3 drinks on any single day and no more than 7 drinks per week. For men, it is defined as no more than 4 drinks on any single day and no more than 14 drinks per week. NIAAA research shows that only about 2 in 100 people who drink within these limits have AUD."
Sending you best wishes,
A

Hey Slim,
I have found MDMA to be one of the most powerful means of accessing and processing trauma. However, it is also the most speculatively harmful if not used properly with dosing and responsively. My experience using MDMA as a tool to assist in trauma, has been a tremendous experience.
MDMA allowed my body to remove all it's fear responses, stripped me of my anxiety and allowed me to access my true, authentic self. The part of me that can, process all my traumas with acceptance, love and compassion. MDMA allowed me to feel free from all the barriers my mind has built up in protecting its self. MDMA can be a great tool for processing traumatic experiences. But, its not a magic pill that will fix all you're problems. Its more so a tool in aiding you in the right direction. Trauma work as you know, is a long hard journey, with many hidden layers. MDMA may be able to make those layers seem,not so hidden, give you insight and prospective that you can't normally access.
There can also be dangerous interactions with MDMA and antidepressants, particularly SSRI's. There is a chance of getting SS.Do some research into interactions with anything you are currently taking if you ever do think about using MDMA as a therapeutic outlet.

Hi Mike,
I think the resources Lilfae and Three Roses gave you are the best resources of information you can find to better understand CPTSD and the effects of trauma. Therapy is always a great great resource! PE & CPT have been shown to be the most effective kind of therapy for trauma recovery, at least thats the research the VA has found with PTSD-
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/therapy-med/treatment-ptsd.asp
I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how how kind it is of you to want to help you girlfriend. Support is the best thing you can do for her. She is going to have a long road of recovery work to work out whatever traumatic experiences she's suffered, having a hand to hold through the process will be very beneficial for her. I just wanted you to know I think its great you want to help her through this process.

Hi Serene,
I'm kind of glad you asked this question as it peaks my interest of curiosity as well. I'm new to the community too and would like to share my experience with CPTSD by answering your questions.

1) The traumatic events that lead to me getting CTPSD - stemmed from a very early age  because of a dysfunctional family dynamic full of emotion,physical and sexual abuse. These "events" happened from age 2-13/14, then I went into foster care. Although foster care is certainly not ideal, I'm grateful I got the opportunity to get away from my FOO.

2) CPTSD Has effected my romantic partnership greatly, and that more so has to do with my inability to fully control my emotions at times, I am very sensitive. Which can be tasking on a relationship and certainly has put up some road blocks for me and my SO. But, through this recovery process, I'm learning how control myself, and not over react. My SO is also very supportive and understanding of my diagnosis. He has shown me nothing but support through this process. He also really tries to help soothe me when I'm having flashback, which is really nice. Although, I'm reluctant and withdraw affection when I'm triggered (working on this all in therapy btw). I still can see the effect my emotional disregulation does have on my relationship. I know Its hard on him too, but were getting through it and making it work through my recovery.

2)Friendships for me, are weird. I have one close friend, but other then that, really none but acquaintances that I see often. I have no problem meeting people, interacting, or even getting along with people, thats not where the issue is. I'm just now learning that I just never get close to people, unconsciously always keeping my distance. I now know, Its my attachment style, avoidant and how interact with the world. A Symptom. A symptom, that I hope to fully recover from too. Because, I like people and want closeness but always have that barrier up.

3)CTPSD effects my life greatly, now. I assume I have always had CPTSD symptoms but never was aware the severity of the depths of my issues.  I was functioning completely fine up until November last year when I had a traumatic accident that triggerred my CTPSD full blown. It took me out, my life went down,  my emotions were so low, I didn't do well in school, my work performance declined, my relationship began to have more issues. ALL ESSENTIAL AREAS OF  MY LIFE were being effected,i knew I had a problem and needed to seek professional help. So I did, Ive been in therapy all year, I just started Prolonged Exposure Therapy, am in a emotional regulation class, and also just got put on Prozac two weeks ago. So in doing all of this work, my life is beginning to not feel so debilitating anymore, which is nice. Im making progress and I am really really happy and excited about the future. So, I am making goals to continue to grow and learn through this recovery process.

4. ESTP

The best and my go resources is Pete Walkers From Surviving to Thriving. I cannot recommend this book to you enough. Next is a CTPSD workbook. Harvest Forgiveness from Shame, another book of Pete Walkers. Another great book to read is called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kulk, its about the effects trauma has on our body. Feeling Good by David Burns - CBT for depression. All great resources that I've found helpful to me and my recovery.

I seem to have a similar problem with waking up in the mornings. I usually wake up to an emotional flashback/abandonment depression. I  have a cup of coffee and try to calm myself. Seems for me though, my morning routine, and getting up has gotten significantly worse since being diagnosed this year. What I want to learn is how to sooth myself so I can go on and have a productive day. Seems like I'm stuck in a constant cycle of rumination, and do nothingness when I wake up in my flashback - Id like to implement healthy morning routines, like, journaling, or positive affirmations to help me get my day started. But, I haven't quite figured out how to do that. Has anyone found something thats worked for them to get back in the swing of daily life, healthy routine in am, journaling?  Even more so what soothes you ?

Hey there Silver, welcome to the forum. ^^ It's nice to meet you.
Sorry to hear what's happened to you, but it's good that you're on your way to recovery! I wish you all the best.

Hey Aphotic, its nice to meet you too.
Thank you for the welcome to the forum! I appreciate your encouragement, and wish the same to you!

Welcome!!  First, I am so happy to hear you are 20 and working hard now!

Sometimes I feel like I am never going to feel better.  Like I hurt so badly it is never going to end.  Yet, I do eventually feel better and then the cycle starts again.  I feel tremendous shame.  Not only do I have a problem looking at my therapist, I sometimes can't look at anyone for the rest of the day.  I feel like they know.

I've not come very far in talking about it, but bits are coming out little by little.

I think you are doing well!   

Hi Dee,
Thanks for the Welcome, happy to be here!
I know what you mean when you say you feel like your never going to feel better, and that you hurt so badly you don't think the pain will ever end. Sounds to me like a severe emotional flashback, which I struggle with! Ive come to learn though, my thinking patterns will determine how severe my flashback will be. Its in the moments of observing my thoughts, and thought stopping the critic  that I am able to move through the emotional down fall.
For me, my toxic shame stems from my own internal dialogue that I have to continuously be mindful of and view my thought patterns. At least thats what Im beginning to find whats helpful for me.
Thank you for sharing, baby steps! Healing is a process! You're doing just as well. I appreciate your response. 

Hello Everyone!

This is my first time posting to this forum and I'm so happy and glad I found this community! I want to apologize in advance as my post may be a little all over the place as I have so much I want to say and am not sure exactly how to articulate it properly.

Recovery often really is as Pete Walker says, "Two steps forward and one step back." I got Diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year and have spent all my time since trying to understand and come to terms with my early childhood abuse, (emotional,physical and sexual abuse.) This year has been nothing but absolute chaos for me, emotionally that is. The rollercoaster of emotions that has come with my never ending tyranny of flashbacks.
Oh the flashbacks.... it has taken me months to finally begin to understand how to implement healthy coping mechanisms and to also observe my maladaptive coping mechanisms and inner/outer critic attacks. Even then, with all my new found understanding and better sense of my true authentic self do I still experience these awful, awful flashbacks (usually caused by inner/outer critic). Even with trying with EVERY ounce IN ME to implement self compassion and self love, do I still experience self hate and self disgust, and it feels it comes in cycles.

Which is part of the silver lining of recovery, every downfall back to my automatic responses is an opportunity for me to truly grow and experience what is to truly love yourself,well, myself for the first time in my life, to finally see that I deserve to treat myself kindly, is a truly amazing experience.This recovery process is a hard journey and understanding how the physical and sexual abuse from my FOO has really effected me as an adult has been a back and forth process the whole way. I am 20 years old and yesterday was the first day I was able to talk about the rape I experienced from my father at age 12. I feel consumed with grief finally realizing through talking about that experience how hurt of an individual i have (am) been deep deep down inside. My inner child is severely wounded, and I now take the responsibility to nurture and love my developy arrested self, and take responsibility to love and care of my inner child like an adult parent would, but for myself.

Feeling (slightly) empowered and (slightly) relieved by talking about it for the first time, I am looking forward to continuing on my journey in PE therapy and healing childhood trauma. The relief from talking about the experience was tremendous, but the anxiety I feel about having to go back to this experience over and over until I can be less traumatized by it scares me because of the horrible amount of pain and helplessness I feel when I talk about. I also am still having a hard time dealing with the embarrassment of being raped. Has anyone dealt with this, and has found ways not feel such toxic shame?

Im not sure what Im looking for in posting this other then a community of support, Thanks for taking the time to read my post
 
-A