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Thanks for the replies. I didn't know if it was dissociation, ADD or nothing at all. I don't think I have full blown dissociation or if I even have reason to have it. I heard something recently, that those who are dissociating wouldn't necessarily know anyway which is interesting but the world is meant to look completely different or something to someone that dissociates whereas it doesn't to me, I guess i mainly struggle with concentration.

I relate to some aspects of CPTSD but I'm not sure if i have enough that would count as a diagnosis. The dissociation part is the main part I thought I didn't fit as much but thinking about it, I'm not normal in terms of my awareness of what's going on around me.

I've always been pretty day dreamy, got told off as a kid for not concentrating and just staring out of the window watching the birds. I also got made fun of by friends for asking them to repeat stuff all the time because I'd totally miss things people said. I realise now I do zone out a lot and it means I always miss things and need to study double the time to cover what should have gone in the first time.

As an adult the main thing I notice is difficulty finding my way around. I don't really pay attention to my surroundings at all. I'm hypervigilant when it comes to loud noises, people and cars that suddenly appear and give me an exaggerated startle reaction. But other than that it's like my peripheral vision is kind of a blur and I can totally forget what i've driven past or walked past or what direction I've been going. It's like I can't focus on too much at once and everything comes at me too fast. It's like I blank everything out and the only real thing is what i'm specifically focusing on and the rest is unfocused. I have to make a point of staying grounded in the present and paying attention to my surroundings so I don't get lost otherwise I can miss where I've been. When i'm driving I will just focus on what's in front of me in a tunnel vision sort of way, terrified of having an accident or something so ensuring I focus all my concentration on the road.

I have really poor memory for places I should know well to the extent that it's really embarrassing and I have to find ways to cover it up because other people would think there was something seriously wrong with me. I'm less involved in conversations etc because I find it hard to stay involved and not just float off somewhere in my head. That in turn makes me feel invisible and question why I even exist as I don't feel part of anything.

Another thing I find is lights are overwhelmingly bright. Like when I'm driving and lights come towards me I really hate it and have to use all my concentration not to get overly dazzled and focus on the road in front of me.

Like I say, I don't know if any of these would count as dissociation type symptoms but I know there's something not quite right.

I dreamt that I had a horrible nightmare and I was terrified so I went into my Mum's bedroom so that she would calm me down but I got into her bed and tapped her back and she didn't respond and I tapped again and said 'mummy..' and she turned round but instead of my mum it was a horrible ogre's face and it was the most scary thing I've ever seen. To this day it's the worst nightmare I've ever had.

I would have maybe been between 6 and 8 at the time. It's weird, thinking back to when I was little, my dreams seem as vivid as real life. I was always living in my imagination, absorbed in my games and adventures and stories.

I don't know if my mum turning into an ogre was symbolic of anything but i suspect it might have been. Maybe it was how she was unpredictable in her temper and I never knew how she was going to react to things so even when i was scared or upset i was a bit apprehensive about asking for help. Anyone else experienced a nightmare like this?

It's really tough and frustrating. I really do feel for you.

I find drinking really helps at the time but then the next couple of days I have a massive dip and I feel so ill I resolve never to even drink again. And then I do. But gradually I've realised that the horrible depressed moods I have are often the days following me drinking alcohol, which has made me moderate my alcohol intake a bit more. It's been difficult to do but it helps if i'm out with people who don't drink as much as i want to drink and i restrain myself to drinking as much as they do. I've started having the odd drink or three alone recently though which i really don't want to be doing because I feel like the temptation is really easy then. Going to have to make sure i don't have any to hand so the temptation isn't there.

Thanks everyone. I still don't know if I have this or not.

alisoncan, it was Gordons as there was a deal on. I need to try Bombay Saphire. It's usually more expensive so i don't go for it.

Three Roses, I totally agree. I've been concerned about the amount of alcohol I've drunk in the past and do not advocate drinking alcohol to deal with problems at all. I know it can be a slippery slope and i know i'm lucky i haven't gone too far. It would be my way to deal with stuff from around the age of 16 but I feel like it's aged me a lot and I'm scared about damaging my brain or something but i'd always justify it like 'well if my sister hadn't attacked me today i wouldn't need to drink this much; my mum screamed she was going to kill herself earlier and i need a strong drink to deal with that'. I'd justify it as letting my hair down with my friend and dancing all night to blank everything out. Social drinking on nights out was always encouraged by other people my age so i never saw my behaviour as that abnormal. It was just the reasons i drunk as much as i drunk and the fact that i guess a lot of people have one or two nights where they overdo it but vomiting on a night out would just be normal for me. One time I woke up on a nightclub toilet floor in a pool of my own vomit after being unconscious for i don't know how long. i think a bouncer had to break the door down because the nightclub was closing and they wanted everyone out. It's at that point i realised i needed to calm down on the drinking and not start if i'm not able to stop. It wasn't my classiest moment and i was pretty mortified as i had a reputation as a good student in my year, not an out of control drinker. I've generally been a lot better since. I've got better grades because i haven't been out drinking and nursing hangovers for a while but admittedly that was because of my abusive ex who didn't like me going out and it wasn't worth the aggro.

*Hugs*

I'm glad you came here. I wish you could escape this horrible situation and carve out a better life for yourself. Keep reaching out on here. Everyone's capable of healing. The human spirit is so strong and incredible. You are a brave, strong human being and you are finally realising you deserve better than what you've had and things that have happened/are happening are not your fault. That's the first step to being free from these horrible psychopaths.

Thank you so much for your reply AphoticAtramendous. Definitely get where you're coming from with flinching with the ball. I was always rubbish at team sports too.

Yeah I still don't know about the emotional flashback thing. I don't know how to work out if what's happening is emotional flashbacks or me just overreacting to a given situation. The other day I couldn't park my car as there wasn't enough space but it was my only option so I tried and tried until I just stood outside my car rooted to the spot not knowing what to do. I was crying and panicking as there was nowhere for me to go and I just didn't know what to do because I had to find somewhere. I had to get to work and was going to be late. I eventually drove out of the car park crying and very nearly went home and called in sick. I felt so helpless and rubbish because no one else would struggle that much just to park a car and would certainly not end up almost having a panic attack over it and freezing and not being able to do anything.

Thank you for listing those symptoms. That's really helpful. I wouldn't say I'm massively avoidant (apart from attachment-wise). I'll often force myself into situations that remind me of the past and I end up feeling really rubbish and numb and distant but I face the situation as in i'm physically there. I'll constantly challenge myself and be super busy doing things that are impossibly challenging both mentally and physically so i don't think the avoidant thing is there. Threat - yeah defintely have a strong startle response. I'm unsure about the affective dysregulation. I'm very good at putting on a mask to the outside world but I've had to hide in toilets to cry before when sadness hits me suddenly and all my anger turns inwards rather than outwards so i'll tend to feel guilty and depressed if i have too much time to think about things. I think i've learnt to deal with extremes of emotion by having these calming behaviours like I bite my nails or the inside of my mouth all the time. A lot of the time i don't feel much except from just very tired. NSC and DR I definitely have. I'm highly self critical and feel inferior to everyone and will always put others first to the extent that i'll feel guilty if i have a seat on the bus and someone else doesn't and i'll want to give up my seat even though i got there first and they're not elderly or infirm. Disturbed relationships - i've never had lots of friends or quite fitted in but i've always been caring towards others and i feel like there's this sociable, fun person at my core that's only recently starting to come out when i'm with the right people who i feel at ease with. I've always been really shy in the past, almost mute with strangers and probably had pretty bad social anxiety. But because i've forced myself out of my comfort zone for so many years now in pursuit of the career i want, I'm finally not so scared anymore and I'll talk to anyone in a friendly, confident way when having a good day. But still i'm somewhat isolated. And I'm confused about that because i finally feel like i've learnt how to be a bit more normal (i've taught myself because my family weren't). The friends I have are mostly unconventional and a bit different too and it's only these people I feel safe to be myself with.

Thank you so much for your validation Lilfae, Blueberry, Three Roses, Aphotic Atramendous and Frederica. Your words are so kind and actually surprised me quite a bit as reading over what I wrote, I can't see it as that bad. And I still think it sounds worse than it was.

I definitely do feel like an imposter in quite a few areas of life. But I guess i'm used to the feeling of not fitting in anywhere.

Yesterday was just a bad day. I was drinking gin to numb the irrational fear that my abusive ex would turn up where I was living. The chances were unlikely but as I'm living near to where he is and he knows where I live and still has a way of getting in through the gates and has turned up unannounced before, my feelings weren't completely irrational.

Anyway, I just realised this forum was for symptoms and I talked maybe mainly about causes. I don't know if i'd fit c-PTSD. As a child I was always getting told off for daydreaming at school. I wasn't aware that I wasn't concentrating on what was being taught until I was told off. As I've got older I've continued to be quite daydreamy and absent minded and find someone asks if i understand something they've just said and feel mortified that i've looked vacant. I self-diagnosed myself with ADD and dypraxia at different points but only because I lose focus easily and just phase out sometimes and also get lost all the time and understand that a poor sense of direction can be part of dyspraxia. With regards to other symptoms, I don't know. My ex would make fun of what he called my 'hypervigilence' as I would jump out of my skin whenever he came up behind me and put his arms around me. My friends would make fun of me as a child for having such a strong flinch reaction if they pretended to throw something.

I don't know if i have flashbacks or dissociation. Often when I'm walking outside, things seem to come at me too fast and i nearly bump into people and things as i can't seem to see things clearly in time even though my eyesight is fine. It's like there's too much to focus on in the world at once and it's a bit overwhelming. No idea what that is though.

Sometimes I stare into space for ages, my eyes lose focus and my head's all fuzzy and i can't seem to snap out of it. sometimes i'll just be in a daze biting my nails and can't stop. Flashback wise I always thought there's no way i could have PTSD because i don't have flashbacks or nightmares. But the emotional flashbacks might make sense. Sometimes I will be unnecessarily upset by small things or small criticisms which i always seem to take super personally and feel like an utter failure and feel lots of self loathing. I often have this abandoned feeling quite easily too but have a habit of distancing myself from feelings and people so most of the time I don't really feel anything.

Although sometimes I'm surprised by the intensity of emotions I feel. Usually in relation to something that my mum's said which isn't even that bad. I was saying I was going to go shopping to buy some new cardigans for my work placement and she said 'do you really need a different one for every day?' and I just felt this strong indignation and sadness that was not proportional to what she said and argued that it would look really unprofessional if i turned up smelling of BO and I might have been able to wear the same thing day after day as a kid but in the adult world that is not normal and we're not a normal family. I felt so angry and emotional and the only thing that could explain that outburst would be the fact that i was bullied at school for turning up in the same clothes several days in a row when i had no control over what i wore. I don't talk to my mum very often or see her very often since leaving home 5 years ago but when i do, i seem to get upset or angry pretty easily.

I've also had physical symptoms for as long as I can remember. As a child I'd be off school very often with 'tummy ache' and I still have abdo pain most days along with heartburn and palpitations. They don't seem to be associated with anything in particular and doctors couldn't find a cause for them.

For ages I've just felt like i'm kind of screwed up and can't be repaired. I feel like it's some horrible secret I'm hiding. I manage to function ok in everyday life and go through the motions of being a normal human being. I just don't really feel like one of them.

I learnt something interesting about success at uni the other day. There was a talk about careers and they said that success can actually breed stress because you're putting ever increasing expectations on yourself. And thinking about it, that makes a lot of sense. Whenever I achieve something I always just feel like I have to move onto the next thing and it's more pressure as i'm such a perfectionist. Also, doing well means people will think I deserve more responsibility and think I should know a lot when I'm not very good at being put on the spot and answering questions under stress. I have a tendency to just freeze and appear like an idiot and my behaviour in real life doesn't match my record of grades, experience etc. I guess I'm scared that i'll get found out for the fraud that I feel I am. No matter how well I do, it doesn't feel deserved. And it feels like it could get taken away from me. This is just my explanation for why I think i'm scared of success.

Unknown/un-chartered territory? Less predictable. Not being able to hide from others and isolate oneself? I don't know.

I would make sure he doesn't take the relationship more quickly than your comfortable with. If he's a friend who's loved you for years he may be quite intense quite quickly. This happened to me and I found it too much and had to break things off when he said he loved me after just a couple of dates. I think maybe part of the problem is that if we've had bad relationships in the past we may feel we're not worthy of love and not know how to accept it. Also, it can be associated with bad things so the fear and panic is understandable and is probably your body's memory of past relationships that should have been loving and healthy but weren't. Do you feel this fear every time you get into any relationship or is it just the fact that this one seems different?

Your dad's behaviour sounds so frightening. I'm not surprised you dissociated.

That is so bizarre that your mum denied you food. I don't understand that at all and it sounds horrible. My Mum used to not let me have seconds I think if i was still hungry and would be really strict about unhealthy foods so i used to love going over friend's houses to eat chips or sweets or potato waffles. Sometimes she let us have pizza but it would be a tiny fraction of one, less than a portion for dinner. If I tried to suggest it was less than normal portion size she would shout at me and tell me not to be greedy. My mum just really didn't want me to get fat i think. In my teens I was slightly underweight but had poor self image and thought i was fat as my body changed when i went through puberty and asked my mum if i'd bit on weight and she pointed out the areas where I had. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch after that for a while and exercised like mad. She didn't notice. I lost half a stone.

You've been through so so much. It sounds like it was truly unbearable for you growing up and it's no wonder you're struggling to heal. It is so frustrating that you have to do all the work of healing when you are not at all to blame for what you're feeling but you will grow and gain so much self-wisdom in the process. I'm glad you've found this forum and I hope that you can find the right support.

The breathing thing does sound a bit patronising. Although meditation and yoga have really helped me find peace. I understand you'd like better solutions and more substantial support though. I hope you find it. Gentle hugs if ok.

Think i posted in the wrong forum to start off with as i've drunk a fair amount of gin and i'm not really thinking things through. Not the best way to make a good first impression. I'm Michelle and I'm just so tired. I know my story won't be as bad as most of yours. And I am so sorry for what you've all been through. I don't think I really belong here but I'll look into it. Hope you're all ok. Hugs even though i'm not a huggy person xxx

I don't remember much about my early childhood, only my teen years. I thought I was happy. But I had dreams all the time that I was flying and I was too big to fit in my family's car or house (I wasn't large in real life, i was tiny). There was never any room for me. Being able to fly and i think i was invisible too, allowed me to help people. I helped my family but just wasn't part of their life. This is the main thing i remember about my early childhood. I don't know what it means. I observed but i was never part of anything.

I know that my sister was ill from when we were a young age and she was always the main focus. And i know i didn't fit in at school because my mum gave me the same clothes day after day and they didn't even fit me properly. I was bullied throughout my school years, not particularly badly but by my friends so the idea that i couldn't trust people close to me was reinforced. My mum wasn't the most loving, my cousins called her a cold cow and didn't like her babysitting them. But she cooked for us, stayed at home, was a bit controlling, sometimes threw stuff and hit us but was ok on the whole. She did have a bad temper though. I came home from school one day in my teens to find a note saying she'd been taken to the police station for assaulting some random builder over a traffic cone. I thought i saw the funny side with everything. I thought it didn't affect me.

When she threatened my sister with a knife i thought it didn't affect me. When she was trying to drag my sister down the stairs headfirst and i was trying to stop her i thought it didn't affect me. When i was hugging my sister to my chest and trying to shield her from the torrent of horrible words my mum was shouting about wanting to kill my sister, about wanting to kill herself, i didn't think it affected me. All i felt was that i had to protect my sister and then afterwards check if my mum was ok.

I haven't had dreams that i can remember in a long time. I found my grandad after his stroke. Couldn't watch the stroke advert on tv afterwards. Had to leave the room. He was the only one that understood the family dynamics. He was the only one that understood me. And i blamed myself for his death because i'd gone to see him later that day than usual.

When my mum hit me or threw something it would leave a mark but not a bruise. I wanted it to leave a bruise so i gave myself bruises sometimes to punish myself double for being such a horrible person that i'd upset my already mentally ill sister in some way. According to my mum. I was always treading on eggshells. My dad was away most of the time but when he was there he'd ask me to deal with it and would storm out. My mum threw a glass at his head which narrowly missed and shattered against the window. I suppose i understand why he stayed out of my sister's and mum's arguments. What hurt was when he shouted at me too and blamed me for upsetting my sister or hit me too when he had no idea about the dynamics and how much i'd done to try to help.

My sister used to bite, scratch, kick, punch me when I tried to help my mum with her in my late childhood/teens. I thought it was fine because she was a younger sibling and was ill. I shouldn't have helped try to get her out of the house when she felt too ill anyway. I deserved all the scars i got.

I used to hover on the stairs for ages at the age of 7, unable to sleep because i was thinking about the inevitability of death. I was around that age when my grandma who was living with us tried to commit suicide and ended up being rushed to hospital in an ambulance. I remember sitting half way down the stairs, shivering with the cold, being in limbo, wanting a hug from my mum to make everything better about my existential crisis but not knowing how to ask for it. I don't know how much i knew about my grandma's suicide attempt but i remember not believing the story the adults told me about her accidentally drinking bleach instead of orange juice - isn't bleach see through not yellow? i thought.

Since childhood/teens i've been ok on the whole with bouts of undiagnosed depression and recently i've come out of an abusive relationship but that's a story for another day. I feel like i've forgiven my family for their mistakes but i still find it hard to show affection to people or get close to them. I sometimes feel so screwed up i don't know how i'll ever fit in and live a normal life but i don't know what's wrong with me. It was only today that i realised i might have complex ptsd but i don't know because other stories on here are so so much worse than mine and i feel silly even posting my nothing story.

I'm just so fed up of it all. I'm so numb and empty. I take risks and do extreme sports. When I do something that seems really dangerous I'm almost disappointed that i don't die. It would be so much easier to disappear that way rather than do something that would make it seem like my fault. I'm disclosing way more than i usually would as i've been drinking gin all alone in my room like a sad person because i'm so isolated in the new place i'm living. I'll probably delete this post anyway so sorry for my ramblings.