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I've tried it.  It is helpful to take the edge off.  There is research about its usefulness for PTSD.  I don't take it every day, just as needed, for example if I am going to a family event and find myself getting all worked up thinking about the past...  It's not super strong although it can make me a little tired, so I'm on a low dose.  Best of luck!

San, I wish there was some way to help more practically, but I still want to send you some hugs. I hope you get some answers soon, and good luck on your novel!

(Sort of a poem, sort of a stream of consciousness.  Anyways, it helped me to write it all down.)

Come home from work
Lock the door behind me
Shut out the chaos, the noise,
The frenetic unnatural winter activity
The pre-holiday madness.
Silence.
No one except for me, the cat,
And my little assortment of plants.
I still have the tree he gave me, long ago, in those years together,
So many things have happened since.

As the light flees the sky
I feel all the pains, the insecurities
Rise to the top.
So what do I do with them now,
How do I hold this pain?
Do I need answers now,
Or just to keep my eyes open,
To find the truth, at an acceptable time?

This fear I carry inside of me
That I cannot even take care of myself,
I know I have failed myself before...
As much as the others abused me,
I am more disappointed in myself
For failing, for meekly letting it happen.
How can I trust anyone?
How can I trust myself?
No path seems like the right way anymore.
I know the only answer is to wait
Mindfulness, stay in the present,
All that deep philosophy.
Yet I wish for something more concrete,
I wish to know the future
That I'll be alright,
Finally
More alright
Than I have been in the past.

I talked to L, who is in her 50s -
She seems to have a relief of knowing
Much of what has passed
Not worrying so much, anymore.
She knows she has survived
And will.
As she talked, created with words 
I felt if I can just keep myself going
During these hard years,
There is hope on the other side.
No matter what -
It is worth it to hold on,
Even if sometimes clinging for dear life.

For now I am in the winter blind spot,
Waiting for the solstice
And the return of the light
The primitive daily hope of surviving
To see another spring.
In the end I will find that sunny road,
Like the one we used to drive along
All of us together
All the love I found back then,
That golden thread
That followed me through my life
In the end I will find it again, and
Whether I walk on that bright, calm day
All by myself or with anyone else,
That is where I must take myself to.
For the rest of my life I will keep searching
Along my journey, for that beautiful place.

That's a beautiful poem.  Thank you Atlas

Dear San,

So sorry to hear about your suffering.  Sending you caring vibes and hope you find that safe, warm place tonight until you can call your T.

Not sure what you meant about your TV as I'm not very high tech myself.  But I hope you can find some peace, yes, like the kind you can only find in nature, away from this modern world. 

Even though I've only known you for a short time here, I can feel you are a wonderful person and you deserve it.

Lots if hugs

Thank you for sharing, San. I know these feelings all too well oh, and you put them beautifully. For me the realization came very early, I think it was around 4 years old, when I knew my parents could not and would not ever give me what I really needed from them. Sometimes when I cry I remember things that I didn't realize I was still carrying inside all this time. As I weep I feel sure that this is the only way- the only way to move forward is through the tears. The grieving is so hard, but at least it's real. In the end I would rather be this person who cries and feels things deeply and understands other people's pain, then to be like them. Hope you're taking good care of yourself in the grief. I'm not sure why I'm crying so much lately too, whether it's the season or maybe it's just time. I think I'll try to go do some yoga and make something warm to eat. Thanks again for sharing

Your novella sounds very interesting. I hope it's going well and would love to read it when it becomes available. I also believe in the healing power of writing, whether it's ever published or not. You mentioned a short story that had already been selected. Is this collection available to read? In the same vein, I was wondering if anyone has suggestions for fictional stories or novels that have helped them along the road to healing? Thanks and happy writing!

I agree, it's very difficult to stay in the moment and to stay with the feelings. So congratulations on your progress! For me the hardest feeling to stay with is usually sadness, because it reminds me of an episode of clinical depression I had many years ago. With my therapist I learned that just feeling my sadness and grief does not have to turn into a downward depressive spiral. Once I get over that fear, and let myself stay with the waves of sadness, I find that although it seems  like it might be crippling,  it actually passes pretty quickly. It's still not easy though, and the fear is very real inside of me.

I think it takes a lot of courage to do these things, but on the other hand it's encouraging to know that if we let ourselves feel the grief, then we can eventually move past it.  I know this seems true because I usually feel lighter afterwards.
Keep up the good work!!

Hi Sanmagic,

I guess this is a little after the fact, but I found your posting and I wanted to send you my good wishes as well.  You're an amazing person for always responding with encouragement for others, even when you've been going through so much.

I hope you get the best care possible, and that your angels are watching over you and always close to you.  Glad you're doing alright!

Elise

I learned how to reach self compassion by doing a loving kindness meditation, in which you're supposed to feel compassion for all beings and all things, the whole world and universe.  The point I took away from the guided meditation was that if you feel a block in your ability to extend compassion to others, then you have to start with yourself.  It made so much sense to me:  If I'm in such a low place that I can't find kindness for others in my heart, then I really do need some loving compassion myself in that moment.

The "trick" for me was realizing that I was capable of doing this for myself.  I was always waiting for love and compassion from another to help me heal.  It was incredibly empowering when I discovered that I can give myself what I need, when I need it the most. 

I work in a helping profession, so I know what it feels like to slip into the role of compassionate caregiver.  For the longest time It was only towards others, but my work taught me how to be that way.  It is like the "mother" in me.  When I'm feeling down, I split myself into those two parts, the strong and nurturing mother, who can turn her love on the child who still suffers inside me.  It's like I've become a self-sustaining ecosystem at times

Not to say that I don't need other people sometimes too.  But when I feel alone or like no one is available to me at the moment, I try to give myself the empathy and patience, love and encouragement that I need. It's still a work in progress, but it helps to alleviate the feelings of helplessness and desperation.

Thank you for this place of healing.  I like to think there might be a chance of real fairies out there in the trees, along with the fairy lights on the porch. I would like to come sit here with a cup of hot tea and a warm robe around me, facing the ocean and feeling the clean breeze wash over me. There will be no allergies and no headaches and no muscle tension. My cat will sit snuggling beneath my feet, while I listen to the waves.

I think I might shed a few tears while I watch the ocean, but it wouldn't last for long. I think my grandmother would join me at some point, and we'd sit together like we did so often during my childhood. She was an anchor of goodness for me back then, and I still think of her often even now, long after she passed on.  Then I would like the people I love in this world to join us, my family and friends. A board game would be nice, or maybe some singing like we used to do.  A bon fire after sunset sounds nice... watching the eternal fascination of the flames, and the smoke rising up towards the stars.

Thanks Caseyjobs.  I'm glad to have a place to connect to others like this.  Over time I realized how many people out there really are suffering from past trauma. Ironically many of them feel so alone when the truth is otherwise.

Best wishes and have a wonderful day!

Thank you Sanmagic.  It was definitely helpful.  I remember feeling like my brain was flowing so freely, like a stream of consciousness, and I felt a new sense of calm afterwards.  Maybe I'll bring it up with my therapist to see if we could do it occasionally, like for maintenance or something like that.  The other thing is that I see her less often now, because I've been feeling better and life has been busy.  But I do believe that it is an effective therapy from my experience.

I agree, we have to go through the grieving, instead of automatically  trying to avoid the pain.  When I started to let myself feel the grief that I tucked away since childhood, was when I started to heal. I feel we all have our own ways of doing this, and it's good to have a "toolkit" to go to.

I think the things in my toolkit are split into mental and physical. When I'm feeling very low, as in feeling like I physically can't move or go forward in life, my go-to is writing. Usually a journal is enough for me. I tend to have so much floating up in my head that anything more structured is difficult, so I keep a journal where I can ramble off all the thoughts that are swimming around, and try to make sense of them. Writing connects me to feeling alive again. For really raw, emotional moments, I write free-form poetry to put words to the vivid pain inside. I also read and try to educate myself in my healing. I really like the newsletter from Psychcentral.com, which includes a lot of information about childhood emotional neglect.

My physical coping skills include yoga, exercise, swimming, and ice skating during the winter. Sometimes my physical tension requires movement.  The book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk talks about how rhythmic movement such as a aerobic exercise helps to heal trauma. I have not had time to read the whole book, but I look through it from time to time. My real love is reading fiction, and I believe in the power of story to heal. I would love to have more time to write about my own story in an organized way. Maybe someday...

And yes, music! Listening, singing, and playing the keyboard all help me to feel deeply and not be afraid of the feelings. I love how music is a physical, emotional, and spiritual experience.

Finally I have to say nature.  I believe there are so much peace and healing to be found in nature, which is always there for us even when others fail us. There are really so many joyful things in this world, which is helpful to remember that they are there on the other side of going through the pain.

Hi, I wanted to ask if there is a specific amount of time that EMDR should be done for? I did it for PTSD symptoms for only a few months, and was starting to feel a lot better so I'm going back to previous therapy methods since then. Sometimes I wonder if I could have gotten more out of it? I felt like it was really helpful, so should I have done more, or is there such a thing as too much EMDR?

Either way I'm glad I was able to utilize it when I really needed it, and that I'm feeling better overall now. Thanks for any information that anyone has. I think deep down we have to listen to our gut instincts on how we're feeling with the pace of therapy.  Good luck with everything