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In a workbook I have called, healing the trauma of domestic violence, they talk about how cptsd/ptsd go hand in hand with depression. If you can relieve your ptsd then the depression will start to subside as well. I have had non-abusive people close to me say I can be depressive in nature. So I think it's possible for there to be co-morbidity.

I mean people with diabetes usually have obesity or coronary artery disease. Pregnant women can develop gestational diabetes or hyperthyroidism.  Why can't it be the same for mental health as well? We are complex creatures and everything is intertwined in some way. Heck, I have a knot rubbed out of my neck and feel it all the way down to my fingertips.

I actually just posted about this on a different forum, but I have been living with cptsd for eight years and didn't know until recently.

My resting heart rate is pretty high for someone my age with my physical activity level, which can only be attributed to higher levels of anxiety and adrenaline hormones.

I do feel fatigued often, and I won't really understand why. I do live in a humid environment and worked outside for awhile so I would attribute it to that. I also sleep like a rock, and I can sleep for 9-12 hours and still take a nap the next day. Not saying I always let myself do this, but I could. I am glad I sleep so well, but I think it's also attributed to fatigue and depression. Changing for the better is hard, almost like another full time job. No wonder we are all so tired. Keep up the good work.

I have noticed for awhile my resting heart rate is pretty high for my age and physical activity level.

I always wondered why, but the brain can start producing higher levels of adrenaline hormones when you're constantly in fight or flight mode, which ironically I learned about this in school for kinesiology while I was being abused,  but it didn't really register with me until recently because I blocked a lot of things out. I was in a major where we were constantly taking our heart rates, bmi's and measurements and not one person or my professor asked if I was okay. Apparently they just put me on the watch list for people that went to the gym a lot (which at the time was a safe place for me and an outlet). I learned about this a couple years after graduating. Even some of my friends knew about it and no one said anything. I know I can't blame others but it will cause me to not turn a blind eye to someone that may need help to get out of an abusive relationship.

Interesting finding about myself, and I will be happy if and when my resting heart rate goes down

I think this is just the inspiration I needed to read James. It really does hurt looking back on all the time spent crying, sad, alone and scared that could have been happy memories. It even sucks looking back on all the years not knowing I had cptsd and the people I got defensive with or lashed out on or the things I would have done if I had more confidence. I mean during that time I have done cool things and accomplished goals but it just probably wasn't with the spirit that should have been there. I also faced mostly psychological abuse and minizemized my situation by thinking people have way worse things happen to them.

We can make our lives happy and overcome our trauma. I like how you have found the beauty in such a negative situation and have realized the skills you have gained from this experience.

There is beauty in the breakdown. I can definitely relate to the dark humor.

You deserve a better life mar, one filled with love, kindness, respect and happiness. My heart goes out to you and I know you will get the help you need for you and your kids to be safe.

I guess by learned behavior I mean -when something traumatic has happened over and over again for months or years we develop defense mechanisms which lead to c-ptsd and when you're still in those circumstances can be lifesaving, cause you're on guard and can become hyper aware but when you are in a safe environment those symtoms become more noticeable and we can learn over time to change the way we react to stress and conflicts.

Still learning a lot about this so I will definitely look into that book

Thank you AphoticAtramentous and Three Roses, your responses are much appreciated. I think we can help each other. I definitely start to not make sense when trying to talk about my feelings or I will repeat myself a lot.

I read that PTSD is a learned behavior and you can recover over time. It's sad how so little of our society cares about mental health. I never really had anyone in my life, until recently, talk about mental training and how the mind needs to be exercised just as the body does. I also read the worst thing you can say to someone that has ptsd is to just get over what happened and move on, which I know was said to me, but the people did not realize I had ptsd. Ptsd just doesn't work like that and you can't exactly just move on.

Learning I have ptsd has definitely made a lot of things make sense. For years I wondered why I did certain things. I can't help but wonder the person I would be if i didn't have this all these years. Still the same in a lot of ways but without that element of anxiety and more self confidence, I would imagine. It really grosses me out how people can just come into our lives and think they can treat people horribly and literally change the way their brain functions.

I have been listening to this YouTube video called: the art of meditation by Matthieu Ricard, which I find helps breakdown meditation in an easy way to understand and it is inspiring.

I also ordered this workbook online that was recommended to me. It's called Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A workbook for women. (Men can use it too,they just refer to women as the battered person because it's more common and easier to communicate in text). By Edward S. Kubany as one of the authors. It uses cognitive processing therapy and it was very affordable on amazon. I would recommend this for others. Or at least look into it. It only recommends to do no more then one chapter a day so you can really dig down deep and take your time through this process. It also gives you journal questions to answer and "homework."

I am curious to know if anyone else has split themselves in two from repressed feelings and c-ptsd.

For example, I'm really good at positive feelings but if something has annoyed or angered me and someone points it out I say, "I'm not angry" when really I am.  Like it's not okay to have negative feelings. But really we are happy and sad, angry and forgiving, jealous and confident. I'm learning all of those emotions, good and bad, are apart of me. It's okay and they need to be acknowledged. Also, I am working on humility. Which is easier said then done. I read one symptom of c-ptsd is a "grown up child" and I definitely fit into that category every now and then. When it comes to the way I handle conversations, instead of communicating clearly, I will have a tantrum or get overly worked up if something isn't going my way. Or turn the whole thing into a pity party for me before I even realize it.

I'm wondering what are some techniques others use to open up. I am pretty bad at communicating my feelings. I can't think of what to say in the moment. Or I just feeling nothing, also known as putting up walls.

One other thing- people from my past, that knew me during my abusive relationship, I notice I tend to get more high energy or anxiety when I am around them. Even though it was 8 years ago. I don't do it with new people I've met in my new life that I've created, but when I go back home or someone visitis me here it happens. People from home definitely think I am higher strung and more neurotic then friends I have made here.

Thank you for your kind words wife#2, it meant a lot and I have found myself re-reading it over this past week.

I am slowly accepting this part of me. I think I always wanted it to be something that didn't happen to me,but it did. It is apart of me. It's crazy how long it's affected my life and the lives of many others.

I have started journaling and doing some affirmations. I thought I wouldn't be able to write everyday and I find some days I can't stop.

I was wondering what are some techniques other people have used. I've been reading it is possible to change your brain back after having ptsd. It takes time and persistence though.

Just different ways to rebuild self esteem and to teach your mind and body that you are now in a safe place and have a good life.

Aloha,
My name is Stefania. I think I have CPTSD. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from the ages of 19-21. It got pretty bad and I do believe it would have led to physical abuse down the road. At the time, I had never experienced darkness in people like that. It happened slowly, over time so it was hard to see coming.  I think I always minimized what happened to me because I felt fortunate that I was only 21 when I got out and I know people have way worse things happen to them.

I remember being very hateful and angry for pretty much the whole summer after we parted ways. I even had to block him from all forms of contact because he wouldn't leave me alone. I trained for a marathon that summer also. Which in retrospect was my way of not dealing with it. After awhile the hate in my heart went away and i never really thought much about him. In fact i totally blocked him from my life at all. Not remembering he was around at different events with me. I even got rid of all my clothes bc i would remember hurtful things that happened while i was wearing them.

I didn't really date anyone seriously for a couple years after. But when I did i got titles like "best but meanest girlfriend." I really didn't understand why I lashed out or was so quick to get defensive. I just said it's because I was raised by the crazy Greeks and the fighting Irish. I think it also affected my self esteem. I thought I had good self confidence but didn't really.

Which brings me to now, eight years later and 5,000 miles away and this trauma still influences my life. It wasn't until a couple months ago i realized I bottled all this up and never dealt with it. It wasn't until a few days ago i realized I have become an emotional abuser myself. I am in the best relationship of my life and with someone that genuinely wants to help. I feel like my family and friends overlooked me all those years. I was seriously fading away from all the stress and most people just commented on how skinny I was but that was it. I realized i probably can't get over this on my own and I don't want to look back and regret not changing my ways. I have been remembering things a little bit more that I had blocked out and understanding things about myself that had always confused me. I even, the last eight years, carried a lot of tension throughout my body (shoulders, hips) and people would always ask why was i so tense. When I first discovered this i was very angry bc so much time has been wasted on not dealing with these things and I started thinking of anyone I had emotionally abused. Now I am feeling more compassionate with myself. I was young when it happened, I didn't know I bottled it up and I haven't done any irreparable damage but I cannot continue on this path. I need help.

Aloha,
My name is Stefania. I think I have CPTSD. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from the ages of 19-21. It got pretty bad and I do believe it would have led to physical abuse down the road. At the time, I had never experienced darkness in people like that. It happened slowly, over time so it was hard to see coming.  I think I always minimized what happened to me because I felt fortunate that I was only 21 when I got out and I know people have way worse things happen to them.

I remember being very hateful and angry for pretty much the whole summer after we parted ways. I even had to block him from all forms of contact because he wouldn't leave me alone. I trained for a marathon that summer also. Which in retrospect was my way of not dealing with it. After awhile the hate in my heart went away and i never really thought much about him. In fact i totally blocked him from my life at all. Not remembering he was around at different events with me. I even got rid of all my clothes bc i would remember hurtful things that happened while i was wearing them.

I didn't really date anyone seriously for a couple years after. But when I did i got titles like "best but meanest girlfriend." I really didn't understand why I lashed out or was so quick to get defensive. I just said it's because I was raised by the crazy Greeks and the fighting Irish. I think it also affected my self esteem. I thought I had good self confidence but didn't really.

Which brings me to now, eight years later and 5,000 miles away and this trauma still influences my life. It wasn't until a couple months ago i realized I bottled all this up and never dealt with it. It wasn't until a few days ago i realized I have become an emotional abuser myself. I am in the best relationship of my life and with someone that genuinely wants to help. I feel like my family and friends overlooked me all those years. I was seriously fading away from all the stress and most people just commented on how skinny I was but that was it. I realized i probably can't get over this on my own and I don't want to look back and regret not changing my ways. I have been remembering things a little bit more that I had blocked out and understanding things about myself that had always confused me. I even, the last eight years, carried a lot of tension throughout my body (shoulders, hips) and people would always ask why was i so tense. When I first discovered this i was very angry bc so much time has been wasted on not dealing with these things and I started thinking of anyone I had emotionally abused. Now I am feeling more compassionate with myself. I was young when it happened, I didn't know I bottled it up and I haven't done any irreparable damage but I cannot continue on this path. I need help.