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*bump*   Wedding is past, I walked my daughter down the aisle, my parents where there, I behaved and took 'it'. 

Will update more later when I get a little more composure about me.  My thoughts have a lot of expletitives than do not meet the forum rules!

No emotional flashbacks and flight or fight responses today...a good thing.

I am so sorry for all of you that have nightmares.   I have them on rare occasions.  Usually my dreams are just the opposite and very peaceful, supplying me with what I think I am missing in life.  Not sure.   They can be very detailed too.  Had a spectacular one this morning that I wish I had someone to share it with.

I wonder if one area of our personality is our dream writer more than other areas?   My inner critic seems to have the best of me throughout the day so maybe it takes a break when I sleep.  Just random thoughts here.   When I was in the military and detached from the rest of the world a good dream was almost vital to escape.   Some of us would even openly state that they hope they would have a good dream...kind of a quick vacation.  At times a matter of survival.

Don't mean to hijack this thread.  My apologies.  I feel for all of you that have bad dreams and wish that did not happen to you or anyone else. 

* Edit *

Looking back, I have had nightmares in regards to life events while an adult.  Such as tornados, wars, etc.  Those have subsided.

I have no answers.   The brain is pretty powerful, that is for sure.  First thing I thought of was Plato's Allegory of the Cave https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave  and possibly dreams.   We have memories of dreams too.   I am pretty confident that my memories aren't 100% accurate..especially in some circumstances.   

Very interesting detail you have with these.  Shall I say impressive!  If that were me, I would be curious and want to look further.

I am out at the moment so this will be short.   

Lovely sharing!   Someday I hope have a piece of that gift.   I too am a visual thinker...and understand the need to explain at times.   


Thank you!

Welcome!  I am new here too.  I can definitely empathize with the position you are in.  I find myself in a pretty difficult one too.  Some differences of course.  I am thinking maybe I need to take the opportunity to work on myself more and rethink life a little.   Scared of what will come out in therapy once it gets started.  My gut tells me it is going to be different this time.

I am reading a lot of life changes are going on.  Remember to take care of yourself too!

Thanks for the responses!   There is only one easy answer.  I am a mess right now so if someone asks me if I am a mess, the answer is easy.  "Yes" 

AphoticActramentous... Everything you mentioned would unsettle me too.   Like I mentioned in a previous post..I haven't had one in a long time.   It really wasn't something I could force.  Someone who was intently focused would cause this or maybe someone doing something for me.

"can't explain without paragraphs and paragraphs, so i'll spare you"

Un-spare me sometime! 

Hellepig...I'm out here with you too!  Hope things have picked up a bit since your first post in this thread.   I have yet to go through that (I think).  Was adopted and my connections with the newly found birth family didn't go too well either :-)  I have this not-belonging thing down pretty good.  Your brief story sounded all too familiar; especially when you mentioned the dinner table.  Yikes!   

I really enjoy Pete Walker's research and insights.  Thanks for posting Roses.

Bullying rolls downhill.    Parents to teachers to classmates.  They know.  Same situation here.  Everyone knew they could get away with it.  I used to say off the cuff that everyone wanted me to fail.  Not really thinking much about those words until later in life.  Had a girlfriend who met my parents and was really sad..asked her why..she said I was going to have a lonely life.  She knew at the ripe old age of 19.  Not an ounce of love in that house.  I too was the scapegoat and those dynamics never changed.  Sure, there were periods when things looked like they may change.  All a ruse.

Being a scapegoat s***s and am sorry you have to live that.  Never felt like anyone would believe a word I told them.  Which I hear is pretty common.   Have also had some successes in life.  Negative energy turned productive.  Have also made more than my share of mistakes

Patterns can be broken.  We all have strength!

Great points..Looking to get back into therapy and will soon.  Honestly wasn't digging for anything.  It just came at me.  I feel good about it because it makes 'sense' concerning some repetitive/cyclic issues I have had.   I am still dumbfounded that I missed it when it was sitting in front of me the whole time.   Is there such a thing as semi-repressed?   Thinking maybe I should hold off on looking at it further now that you bring it up.  For now that is. 

This thread made me think of things I may have said to my own child too.   Going for some introspection..

The gaslighting ones are probably the worst.  For some reason I think invalidation is devastating.  So with that being said..
M&F -> "You have selective memory"
M to family and friends -> "I think he (me) is schizophrenic"   The sarcastic adult me in return "Ummm, then let's go see a doctor" 

Thanks.  I surely wasn't doing myself any favors by not remembering them.    This is huge and it was repetitive.  A nice way to put this would be...young kid asks for help with homework...then receives a lot of  which escalates into  and the young kid is now     How have I missed this for so long?   Rhetorical question of course.

Wahoo!!  This actually feels kind of good.  Many years ago I spent a couple of years steadily in AA and did get some benefit out of it.   Have issues with it as well but that isn't for the here and now.  About 4/5 years ago I went and jumped into therapy.   Looking back I think I was really lucky with the first T I picked.  I had no idea what direction she was going to take..she was close I think.  We went into EMDR sessions.  Plus some other stuff.   Also did a 'group' therapy/experience that was interesting and a little too dangerous for my liking.

Anyway...to much backfill.  I watched a video this evening of a newscaster going unhinged 'off' camera.  It triggered me a little with the anger being displayed.  I caught that...moved on. Then I watched this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk6Atmbp6p0&feature=youtu.be with this lady talking about cpstd.  Then it hit me.  Memories that never came up all the times before and memories that have impacted my career terribly.  I am so excited!    A fairly common occurrence that went on between the ages of 8 and probably 12/13.   Definitely not the worst thing that happened, but maybe the most impactful.  OMG!  How did I miss this all this time?  Probably the most influential with teaching me the disastrous consequences of failure, never to ask for help, etc.

Never hurts to keep digging.  Maybe a little serendipity will come your way!

Thank you for taking the time to share the links.  Haven't looked them over yet, but will here shortly.   I think I already understand the "grey rock" concept.  I too hope I find peace, not just for me but everyone.

Pardon the delay on the post.   I was one of the original people trying to get this named.   Somehow w/in less than two decades it has become something else.   Haven't had any ASMR to speak of for 5 years.   Used to be a 2 times a week thing.   I am wondering if it any others experience it?  It is absolutely beautiful.   The most connecting force I have ever experienced.   Wondering if it might be related to childhood trauma.