Messages

Thank you Alter Ego!
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I wanted to come here and tell you about the guy I have a crush on. But instead, I need to talk about the fact I'm jealous. I haven't been properly jealous in such a long time I didn't really think it was part of my personality anymore. But I am jealous. I have a crush on a man that's outside my reach, and we've been talking a lot lately, not about important stuff or anything. Just chit-chatting.  I don't even know why I care. It's not like this guy asks me about me. so why do I even care? I don't know. I've been dreaming of being able to kiss him. I haven't been wanted to be kissed by anyone. A.n.y.o.n.e for years. Years. Maybe that's why I care. Because I've been daydreaming about him.

I am trying to let go. It's not like I have a reason to be jealous. I guess it's just triggering my feeling of being left behind. Logically speaking, I am being incredible stupid right now. But I am trying to let him go - because this hurt. This is interfering with my regular life that I really need to break down and focus properly on. I have a few really important deadlines. And I really need to focus on that. and I am trying so hard right now to use this frustration and annoyance and energy into productive energy.

I'm trying...

Hi Hope,
Thank you  That's very kind of you to say. I hope you've been doing alright.

The last few weeks I have been in growing pains. Emotional growth, the processes are still being.. well, processed. I am still figuring out things. But I don't really want to, i want to be comfortable without having to grow right now. Because to me, growing right now looks like I have to be the better person. I have to take into the account of why other people behave the way they do. Maybe they are having a bad day, and their behavior is due to that. Or they are going stir crazy due to covid-19, or something else more long term than 'just a bad day' is bothering them. I have to see things from their perspective then, but the thing that happens then. Is that perhaps I become a better person for it. In other people's eyes. But what really happens, what actually happens is that I vanish. My voice has less meaning, because someone else's bad day trumps mine. Because their stir crazy is more important to take into account than my stir crazy.

I vanish. I stop learning to get to know myself, because I have to appraise other people and meet their needs.

I haven't said this aloud to anyone yet, but here goes. (And right now I don't care if I sound petty): what about my needs? When can someone see me? When can someone take my needs, or my bad day into account? When can I be excused? Or when can I be picked up and asked how am I really doing? And not the kind of question that they don't want the answer too. But the kind of honest, vulnerable and curious question about how I am doing. Wanting to know all about the things that goes through my head, listening to my fears, my worries, my stress. My curiosity, hope, determination. My quest. Just... I want to be seen. I want to feel seen. I want to have that connection in person. Not online. I want someone to want to come over and watch stupid shows hours after hours... Because we are so tired we can't be added to do anything else.
It doesn't have to be a partner. It could just be a really good friend.

I just want to be seen. For a while. To give me room to see myself..so that i can be safer in who I am. So that I can have energy, patience and care for everyone else who has a bad day.

Thank you Blueberry! 

I didn't really leave, but I am back.
There's been so much on my plate, I've morphed back into reactive mode. I'm not proactive, I'm not in control, I'm just reacting to the things around me. It's survival, I suppose. It's a habit I am well versed to do.

But if I am honest with myself, the reason why I'm so unhappy right now - is because I feel like I am not taking charge of my own life. I am still waiting for the application to come through. I sent it in December of 2019, and I still have no answer. They said last I spoke with them that they were trying to get me an answer by April. We're nearly in April, so I haven't bugged them since. Since they gave me actually a time of day.  but I haven't heard from them today, which means that I will have to call them on Monday and ask what's up. I need it in order to have a proper chance to get myself home, a place I can call home. I got a loan at the bank, but it's a tricky loan. With this application, there's a chance that I can have more money and won't have to skimp on food, and won't have to quit my martial arts. I know I could do other exercise and do it for free at home, but the workout at the centre of my martial art has so much more than just the physical aspects of it. It reduces my stress, it increases my social life, it makes me happy for 2 hours, it makes me forget my art trouble, my financial problems.

I feel like a guest in my own life, one that was only supposed to be visiting for a brief time but ended up staying on an undecided time frame. Art is quite stressful, I really wish I had a mentor right now, or a peer that I could sit down and talk with on a weekly basis. Someone who could help me get past this struggle that I got right now. I know that I need to slow down, I need to re-centre myself and figure out what it is that I need to focus on right now. Should I create things that will most likely sell, should I lower my prices and get rid of my stock? Should I work towards this goal that I really would like to do, and have wanted to do for years  -but are so terrified that I will fail at. If I put in so much time, effort and energy into something - for only to have it fail. Or not be good enough. I know that I have to go through this process a few times, but I would really rather it not be the one thing that matters the most to me. And I am so scared that I am not good enough. I am trying so dearly to quiet the critic, the unhelpful feedback that my emotions and my brain is giving me. I've worked hard to be where I am at. But I am still not sure if I have worked hard enough. I think about art 24/7, it's exhausting. Some of my friends is trying to tell me that I need to do art for fun too, or to find some other hobby that I could do to lessen the pressure and increase the fun in my life. And they aren't wrong, I just seem to be unable to do this.
Perhaps I need a more sense of control in my own life before I can relax? A home to call my own,  the application process to be done and over with, to get an answer regarding this oncoming exhibition this year. Will I have to do it on my own, or are we more than me? The mindset will be quite different.
And I also wish I knew how to set boundaries, make people accept them without being mean, crude or offensive. But I am so tired of people not hearing me when I say no.

I should perhaps do the work and figure out who's "good enough" approval that I am seeking. Once I can set words to that, it'll be more achievable perhaps. An easier goal to see and set and reach for. Instead of this illusive good enough, that I can't seem to name. The only thing I know is that I'm not there. I'm not good enough.

  Blueberry.
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Today started off okay. I got to vent a little when I got home, complained about how my friend had responded to me being down. I didn't even bother mentioning my annoyance with my s. I knew mom doesn't quite understand my reactions. She never said I was overreacting, but I think I might have been. I just was in a place where all I really needed was some understanding and support.
But as I said, today started off pretty okay. the morning was slow, I don't think I got enough good rest. But I managed to get my * to the gym, and I got some boxing done and some strength. All the mirrors there makes me super conscious, but I try to ignore it as much as possible. It felt good working out. I went home when I got nauseous. I think I was there for too long without food. Got home and got some work done. I finally got some progress on some backlog text I have to write and prepare to make the future easier. But then I took a break, and it ended up being hours of breaks. And now I feel really *. I really do. I'm considering a second shower, some music and dancing before I have to pretend I'm a good happy human for a social event online.

But people annoy me. Omg do they annoy me. They annoy me so much. They make me so angry. And I don't even know why.

I've ruined my tools. 3 of the tools that I need for a work that got a deadline.
It is my own fault, rushing trying to fix them rather than researching how to do it properly.
I am devastated.
I tried to tell a friend but all she did was tell me options to buy new, less quality tools. How is that avoiding spending money?
I can't afford this. These tools doesn't sell here, I need to get them from abroad, which means shipping cost and toll costs on top. And probably 1-2 month delivery time.
I am crushed.
I know there are solutions, but I am not interested in that. I need support and comfort.
I feel so 24&@7 alone rn. If I talk to anyone about this they will just tell me to focus on other parts of my work, tell me that there's not much money in art, tell me to buy stuff, tell me to think differently.
That is NOT what I need right now. I need a god $62&+ hug, and being told I can do this *. But that isn't possible. I don't have that kind of person in my life. And also.. no one can hug anyone rn anyway.
So instead I am sitting underneath my desk at work. Because I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to act. I don't want to pretend everything is great. I don't want to make desicions right now.
No one cares until I am in the room anyway.
I am trying so hard. So so hard not to pick up that tool which is within reach for SH right now. And I am trying so hard to not go down to the store to buy candy to feel something else.

I know I am overreacting. I know this is stupid.
But I can't stop it. So I am hiding.  And crying.
I feel utterly useless.
Like a complete failure.

Why do I do this? If all it does is drain my money?  Is it even worth it anymore?

I got to work out at the gym today. Not my old gym, but a new one, a temporarily one. It was great. It was a good workout. I got filled with happy hormones afterwards - and I'm looking forward to Wednesday when I can go again.

I'm still procrastinating. I'm avoiding. I'm scared I suppose. Or maybe it's not something I really want? I'm not sure tbh, but something is stopping me.
I also realise there's no play in my life. I don't play anymore. They say we need to play, even as adults - in order to be happier or to stress down. But I've forgotten how to play.  I've forgotten how I enjoy play.

Thank you. All of you <3 

I won't be sharing my art, as I can't keep my anonymity then. I can't share my art without my name online either. But I greatly appreciate your interests, and your support. It means a lot to me.

I've been dreaming again. Not only nightmares. But I recall every dream, I remember them when I wake up. It's been nearly a year since I woke up remembering all my dreams. I don't quite like it. I prefer waking up not remembering. I can usually tell if it was a good, bad or hectic dream regardless. I don't need to remember them. It's noise. I don't want it.

I'm restless. I feel like the days are much the same. Not a lot of difference. I'm doing back-end stuff, but it's taking forever to get done - because I'm not very motivated. and because I'm exhausted. And because I can't really tell yet if any of it is making any difference. Or if it will make any difference.
I am working on changing the way I spend my money, but ironically.. It's costing me money upfront. I've spent so much money this month.

I don't have a lot of emotions these days.  It's like empty restlessness. I guess it's better than feeling like *. At least I get something done, even if it's not nearly as much as I need to get done.

Just found out the poor cat has worms. It's not uncommon for cats that mostly spend their time outdoors. She's probably been drinking unclean water or captured a rat or bird or something. But it means my folks doesn't want her indoor until she's worm-free.

plus side, I got a lot of work done today. Seems like tuesdays are my most productive days. Although, I keep getting confused at which day it is. It's a little stressful not knowing which weekday it is. Not getting any sales is a little stressful too. I keep thinking about it. Worrying about it. Wondering if I can cover the expenses for making more art.

That's really great that you managed to set boundaries with this stranger!  And it's even better that you got to feel the strength it can give to be firm and not let someone else walk over  you!

with your history this is an incredible win! You did really well! 

Hi Tee. I managed to snooze off a little bit, because I let the cat in, and she wanted cuddles so bad she followed me to my bedroom. And sat next to me purring. It was soothing and calming. I didn't quite fall asleep, but I got some rest. And some allergies, but it was worth the latter. 

Sorry to read you're so exhausted, and that your little ones are reminding you of old wounds all the time.
I don't know where you live, or if it is at all possible for you to get a sickleave for a few days to a week. To at least, perhaps, catch up on some sleep? Sending you some warm thoughts. 12 hour shifts seems inhumane to me.

I've been having nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that you force yourself awake from.
It is really bright and earl here now, I'm the only one awake besides the pets. It's quiet. And I'm exhausted. I made coffee, but I might just go back to bed if I can manage it in a little bit. We'll see.

I don't know why I'm getting these nightmares again. I haven't been triggered. I still stress eat. But not as much, and now mainly only late afternoon and evening. The mornings are usually okay. I don't feel that many emotions right now either. I don't feel numb, I just don't feel all that much. Bored and disinterested in things I guess.  I thought I was going to come on here and unload my thoughts.. but I'm realising I don't actually have anything to say..

[still]

Thank you Mojay, it kind of helps knowing I'm not the only one who get these stupid panic attacks about these kind of things.  My RL friends think I am weird because of it.

To Blueberry: You didn't attribute your thing onto my stuff. Don't worry about that. It is something that I will ponder upon when I got a few of the other things dealt with. It'll be on my mental to-do list. It'll be good to figure out if there's some trauma related to it, or not.

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I feel a little better today. The only physical interaction I had with anyone yesterday was when I went to buy myself a kebab for dinner. Otherwise I chatted a little bit with a few people. The event I was going to online got cancelled an hour ahead of time. Which meant I got to snuggle up and watch another movie and not deal with anything. I danced a little in the kitchen and indulged in some daydream fantasy.

My folks are returning home today. I wish they would stay another day. But it will be alright. I kind of want to work, but I'm also noticing that I got a bit of cottonhead today. Sometimes when I have these days where I work from 10 in the morning until 20-21 at evening with breaks throughout the day I keep wondering to myself if I am really as disabled as I have made it out to be. Maybe i'm just a fraud. But then.. that was Tuesday and it's now Saturday and I'm still not ready to get back to working - and I am reminded that I cannot actually work consistently everyday. My mind and my body doesn't function well enough for that. And I am reminded of what Lady T said some years ago.. that my work abilities lie only between 10-30%, depending on whether I am under a lot of pressure and stress or not.
My panic attacks, my excessive need for sleep, and my constant stress eating are symptopms that tells me that I am under a lot of stress. I am not quite sure why I feel this stress.. Or maybe - Maybe I am lying to myself. I am perhaps expecting there to be a newfound reason as to why I'm stressed out.. When I know that there are some fundamental things in my life right now that I am still waiting for, such as my final financial support. Housing loan, and deletion of student loan due to low income. The fact that I , in the middle of my 30s had to move back in with my folks because I am still waiting for these applications to be accepted or denied. And then have to wait and see if I have to send in a complaint and wait for another few years in order for that to be sorted or not.
I feel like a burden.
I am also stressing out about my art not selling. Not being able to gain an audience, or followers. That I am not good enough.
I am trying to do what seems to be a trend on tiktok now, that 2021 is going to be the year when people start loving themselves more. Loving the bodies they have, loving who they are and be unapologetic about it.

Like this date I was on. I haven't heard from him since, and I think we both kind of felt the same.. that there was no connection between us. And i'm not saying he's a terrible choice of a man. Just that him and I aren't the best choice for eachother. And why should we settle? There's someone better out there for him. And there's someone else, hopefully?, out there for me too. And even if there isn't. I'm okay with being on my own. Sometimes it would be nice though, to cuddle up next to someone and feel safe in their arms. That's the only thing I miss. Or being able to make memories together with someone.  But I am also capable and enough on my own.