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I've always been a slow processor and when asked a question by people with authority, I often blank out even though I know the answer.

I can SO relate to this.  I do the same thing.  I also have a terrible, terrible time with people's names.  I will even blank out on names of co-workers or neighbors or friends.  It's awful and embarrassing.  And, yes I am slow to process information.   Information does not stick with me, either.  I teach myself something and then have to do it over and over and over.  If I don't do it for a few days, I can't remember again.  I wrote about a 150 pg manual at work just so I can use it as a reference.  I think it is definitely the CPTSD.  I also had an EEG scan done, and in addition to my brain scan being classic for someone with PTSD, there were also indications of brain trauma from two concussions I had as a child.  I have higher than normal "slow" or "low frequency" brain waves indicative of brain injury.  So, I believe that is part of it, too.

Stay with us, Regardz1.  We each have a horror story to tell, and we help each other along.  I'm glad you've joined us.   

I plan on staying here and continuing to read people's posts.  Thank you.

Hi!

I am a little worn out and empty of words right now. But I just wanted to ask you if you've heard of DBT?

I am sorry you are worn out and appreciate the reply.  I will look into the DBT.  I have never heard of it.  I ordered one of Pete Walkers books yesterday (at someone else's suggestion), so will research the DBT.

Welcome Regardz1,

I have also tried many different types of therapy, including some rather alternative ones.

Me too!  It's about the only thing that does get rid of the symptoms all together.  Just wish I could do it daily. )

hey, regardz,

there's so much of what you wrote that i can relate to, i was amazed.  especially the crying.  it doesn't matter if it's something tender, hurtful, on tv, in real life - i can start crying at the drop of a hat, not really knowing why.

Thanks for the encouragement and reply.  Yes, the random tearfulness is so difficult to deal with.  My most difficult time is in the morning.  They can be awful.

Self-education has been key for me, as well as learning there are others like me. For most of my life I just felt like a misfit. To discover there is a community with whom I share a specific language has meant the world to me. Reading anything by Pete Walker, Bessel van der Kolk, and watching various other videos about how trauma affects our brain has made a world of difference in the way I understand myself.

Thank you for the recommendations.  I will most definitely follow-up on this today.

Hi, your story is so very similar to mine, I almost felt as if I'd written it myself.

Thank you for the response.  It helped just to type everything out this morning and read a couple responses from people who understand.

Hi.  I am new to the forum as of this morning.  It's hard to even know where to start.  I have CPTSD from long-term abuse/neglect in my childhood.  I am in my early 50's.  I have two grown sons, am divorced, and remarried to someone I've been with for over 7 years (now my wife).  By all accounts, life is very good with one big exception...my CPTSD - especially how it effects me at work  (I was a stay-at-home mom while married to my husband but went back to work after I left him - he was also abusive).  For the past 20 years, I've tried more medications than I can count (I've basically given up and only take small doses of Klonopin at night), alternative therapies (biofeedback, EMDR), counseling, meditation, exercises to keep myself in the present moment.  Basically, no matter what I try, I cannot regulate my emotions very well.  It's not unusual for me to find myself sitting at my desk fighting tears or feeling enraged.  Being in an office around other people is unbelievably stressful.  It's particularly difficult, because I function highly enough to hold a job and perform well all while desperately hiding the fact that my brain is a mess of wild thoughts and roiling emotions.  It's hard for me to have many close friendships.  The one person in the world who I trust is my wife.  I have to work.  I feel like the only way for me to work without chronic stress and emotional distress would be to work at home or work short-term jobs (i.e. a temp company), because then I don't have to form relationships or engage in conversations.  I'm finding more and more that any interactions with people trigger my thoughts that I am a bad person.  I have always struggled with the feeling that I am just a bad person:  I'm mean, I'm whiny, I'm a downer, I'm too loud, I shouldn't have said that, They're talking about me, People don't like me...it's endless and exhausting.  The fact that often I feel/have mean thoughts about people or just don't care (often have little empathy for people outside of my immediate family) just reinforces that I'm bad.  I am unable to gauge how people perceive me.  I'm paranoid.  At times, I even question whether my own children love me and have paranoid thoughts about them.  Yet, every indication is they love me very much and are close to me.  My wife loves me and tells me I'm a good person, but it never sticks for long.  She tells me everyone has good and bad in them...that everyone is flawed.  Sometimes I feel split down the middle like there are two of me:  The happy, kind, empathetic, confident me that is continually overshadowed by the angry, scared, uncaring me.  It's exhausting.  I have a few good days, and then I find some interaction or event sends me into a torrent of anger/frustration/fear that I have to haul myself out of.

I don't know what else to do but keep going, but I worry that some day I'm going to snap.  That I'm just going to pack up my car, drive to some remote place and disappear.  I can't stop work at least for a few more years.  Temping doesn't allow me to make enough or put money towards retirement.  I wouldn't even begin to know how to start my own company or what I'd do.  I know that I'd love to do something where I am working closely with those in need (people in the prison system, the homeless) but I don't have the appropriate experience or background.  Going back to school again is not an option.  And, I start to hate any job I'm at for very long, because I can't handle getting close to people or dealing with the normal dysfunction you find at almost any job.

I wonder if others on this forum struggle with any of this?  Thanks.