Well I found my people I think and it makes me want to cry. I was a puller. Desperate to be loved and accepted and cherished. And it led to years of extra abuse. When I started pushing I actually had better luck with dating which kind of grosses me out now. I did manage to find someone after 8 years alone. But he's not exactly super mentally healthy either. I have to check in (sometimes often) to make sure I'm not turning into my mother and abusing him.
But I also have no friends. And not like "oh I only have one or two people" style. I mean none. Except for my husband. I can hang out with someone for a while and then I run away. Because they failed some unexpected mental test and I see my mom or my sister or my exhusband in them. Or I feel like I did something horrible and shameful (relaxing is dangerous, I share too much) and have to hide.