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I hear that. Sometimes I feel lonely even though I am surrounded by loving friends.
We're here for you 

Thanks for the responses I'm feeling a little better today.

For me, the difference is this; ACoA will help you find different ways of interacting with the world and people, & will bring awareness of your responsibility in family dynamics, but will not address the traumatic impact your brain and body have been through. CPTSD can be seen in brain scans, and somatic (body) memories are real as well. These things are not in the way you think, or a figment of your imagination, and will not be addressed thru the 12 steps imo.

Yeah this makes sense - in our one we touch on this stuff - step 5 addresses trauma in the body now, but it's definitely true that the steps themselves can't fix it - they recommend counselling. I've found a somatic experiencing practitioner so I might go to her to process some of this stuff.

We all seem to be attracted to the person who most resembles the parental figure with whom we have the most unresolved issues. This seems, at least to me, to be universal and not just people with traumatic childhoods.

It may not all be codependency, though. Have you read anything by Pete Walker? I find the times that I'm feeling the most unraveled are the times I'm in an EF, or emotional flashback. Try this if you're up to reading a chunk of text - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

I have read Pete Walker - I started out there actually it was one of the first resources I found out about and it has helped me so so much! I think of codependency as just some of those behaviours; I'm trying not to judge myself for it.

My own marriage started out very dysfunctionally, but we've managed to stay married (that's a long story ) for almost 37 years. Yes it's true he's been dysfunctional and abusive, but so have I. We're each working on ourselves now, and not each other!

Best wishes to you, & a safe if it's OK. Hang in there. ❤️

Thank you It's nice to hear that your marriage has succeeded. For me it's more like I feel a bit guilty: yes we were codependent at the start, but we have grown together and the relationship has been by and large a positive force in both our lives. He's really very loving and dedicated to me. I feel sad and guilty because the truth is I have never been as dedicated to him as he is to me. My reasons for marrying had a lot more to do with my own neediness and abandonment fears than loving him for who he is. I like him yes and I enjoy spending time with him, but if I had a choice would I do it again? Or would we just be friends? That's what I don't know the answer to.
One of the ACA daily meditations recently was talking about how to really choose something we have to feel like we're able to not have it, otherwise it's not really a choice. That's what I think I need with my husband but I don't want to hurt his feelings. My ACA sponsor said that I just need to keep working through it and I'll know what the right choice is eventually; I think that's right and I can trust myself and my process.  I just have to be patient!

I also went to ACoA years ago and it gave me part of the answers I was looking for, but it wasn't until years later when I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD that I realized my family actually was traumatizing and that I did not bear any responsibility for that.

To my mind there's a huge gap between dysfunctional and abusive/neglectful that ACoA doesn't seem to address. (This may be changing now as there is a book by Tian Dayton that does talk about the traumatic effects of being parented/living with someone who is addicted.    The ACOA Trauma Syndrome: The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships.  ) 

It was (almost) a relief when I learned about having CPTSD b/c I finally felt like I had all the pieces, but it was also a big shock to find there was so much more to my story than I realized.

I can imagine you are reeling right about now.  I hope you will continue to post about this - here to listen and support 

Thank you Kizzie That means a lot. I think ACA might have changed a fair bit since you both did it - there's a definite emphasis on not being responsible for what happened and some of the other members of my group talk about CPTSD as well so that's good. I guess it's getting more well known now.

It's just hard to come up against some of this stuff! It's been such a huge part of my identity that letting it go feels a little bit like dying, I guess!

Hey all,
I'm doing my 12 steps in an adult children of alcoholics group and I just did step 5 over the weekend where you tell somebody your whole story.

I disclosed a few things that I said I wasn't sure whether they were sexual abuse or not and my sponsor said yes they definitely were sexual abuse; these events have to do with my dad who I always adored and put on a pedestal. I have come to realise as well that I actually had an emotionally incestuous relationship with him. I was responsible not just for his emotional needs but for my whole family's, actually.

I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with this. I feel so devastated that such a huge burden was put on my little shoulders; that I felt responsible for my dad for such a long time, even up until now. Somehow talking about it with someone in so much detail made it feel really real.

It's bringing up a lot of inner critic stuff. I know now that I have been codependent and still haven't got rid of these tendencies completely. I also wonder what this means for the future of my marriage - I mean, I think I only got married because:

• he's like my dad
• I had sex before marriage and as a christian felt so guilty that I felt like I had to marry him
• my mum bullied me into it
• I was so terrified of being alone

The marriage has been on the whole a safe place for me to grow - but at the start he really pushed on my sexual boundaries (he's better with this now), he's a game addict/workaholic and I always subjugated my needs to his - so now I'm not sure where my boundaries should be and whether my goals in life are actually even compatible with his... or what they even are some times! 

I'm so scared of what the future may hold, and I'm worried I can't cope, even though I've coped with stuff around my narcissistic mum. I thought the point of ACA was to make me feel more sane - but I feel less sane!

I'm late to the party but thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad you found your way out of the cult and into some help, and I hope that this forum can be helpful for you too. 

I actually did this quiz when I first got to OOTF and I got a way lower score back then than this time.
This time I got 70: in the red zone on self care, abuse awareness, blame, anger awareness and realistic view of family. I just started the first step in the ACA 12 step program though so maybe I am answering out of that a bit. I certainly feel better than I did back then. Or maybe I was so in denial at the start that I answered low for stuff like feeling bad when I say no to people because I didn't know how to feel my feelings!

It's nice reading everyone else's stories of how theirs have improved - maybe mine will too through the 12 step.

oh, wow - thanks for the book recommendations and that link. there is so much there and it all looks amazing!

Thank you for the replies, Kizzie and Three Roses. I don't know why but it brought tears just to have your encouragement, support and understanding. It is good to be reassured that little steps are still steps!

Three Roses I'm glad you have found adult child meetings helpful! I'm hoping I will too

This is lovely I hope it is still going well for you.
A real, whole, gentle kind of love is very healing. My SO and I found that with each other, I think... it was a rocky start but we have it now. His consistency and love have really helped me to start healing.

I love that you are still getting better, learning to love and keeping your heart open for the right person. 

Hello everyone
Sorry this is a bit waffly.
I haven't been around for a while. I recently started going to adult children of alcoholics meetings. I have been to one full one and one where only two of us rocked up and we had no key so we just chatted for ten minutes and left. But I think it's positive.
Anyhow, things seem to be coming up for me again recently and so I tried something today that was progress but not as much as I wanted. But still progress.

To explain, I have read a lot of times that what you can do to help trauma is imagine yourself back in the trauma but this time you respond to it in a way that is somehow empowering. I have even done something like it in therapy where somebody came and rescued me. But I have one really major trauma which I could never think of a way of being empowered in it. It was when my mum tried to commit suicide when I was a child, I and my siblings were all there. I ran away and then I don't remember anything else from that day. I go back there sometimes and it's easier than it used to be, but I've never really healed and I couldn't fathom the idea of little me doing anything in that situation that could have helped.
Anyway today I decided I needed to try again so I went back there. I tried to imagine myself walking back towards the car where she was doing it instead of running. I felt a lot of resistance towards this but I did it, and I imagined a good mother figure asking my mother what she was doing, telling me that my mother was going to go to the hospital to get some help from the psychologist and that I would be staying with her (the good mother figure) for a while. Then I imagined her holding me and telling me I was safe and that she wouldn't leave me.

I felt like this worked OK but my emotions definitely shut off a little bit when I did this, also my imagined scene went black when I went back to the car so I sort of just had to imagine it conceptually. Maybe I still can't quite face it, even in my imagination. I always have to run away.

But, at least today I tried and that is something.

Love to you all

Has anybody here done schema therapy? I'm starting soon, a bit nervous. What is it like? I think I will have to be very vulnerable which is hard.

Well done Blueberry! That is no small feat. Be proud

I have anxiety too. You're not alone.

Gwyon, yes I get the dissociation sometimes roo from anxiety.
Woodsgnome, you've described is so familiar... The fizzle and fadeout...
I've been trying to open up to people more and selected a couple of people I thought I could be vulnerable with... Today I texted a friend at church (the pastors wife who leads my small group) because I keep missing church because I start crying and panicking on the way. Not sure why yet. But I thought i should be honest and let her know what s going on. My text wasn't needy I don't think. It was very matter of fact and acknowledged that she's going through as well. And she hasn't even acknowledged the text. Now I don't know what to do. I feel so ashamed and I don't know how I'm going to look her in the eye now. I thought when you made yourself vulnerable it was meant to help you get closer to people. But I just feel like it's pushed me further away. I'm too needy and no one wants to deal with it. Or too broken. I don't know. I feel really betrayed.

Thanks Sceal and Roses.
Those are helpful hints. I think role playing is a good idea.
I'm still trying to figure out what the actual problem is. I seem to get triggered all the time at work.
Thanks though I really appreciate the input.

Oh, wow. This really explains a lot! I never thought to connect a fear of success to M. Thanks for posting. Very helpful.