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Hi Three Roses,
Yes and no, I am technically still in my therapy. But, a few weeks ago my therapist recommended we put it on "hold" at least until I'm able to continue with the PE therapy. I don't agree with the choice of stopping therapy completely, but the do agree with the Pe T. Unfortunately, atm this is the best program I could find with my insurance. Now, I do have the option, to stay with my therapist and go into a DBT program that would be a mandatory of a year long program thats three days a week, with cutting out the PE therapy, or I can do it with in conjunction of the PE. I haven't decided yet which is best.

Radical,
Thanks for your input. I realize how my predicament looks and hear you 100%.  If we were to go off of Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving, I just realized now with all my behaviors, and maladaptive coping mechanism, i'd be considered, A freeze <-> flight type. From this starting point I can now better attune my coping styles and behaviors. I appreciate your concern about  the Fetal Alcohol too, and just wanted you to know. I'm not an alcoholic, but do at time drink as a way to cope. Since my pregnancy, which Im six weeks, I haven't gotten drunk at all. That being said, a baby can still develop Fetal Alcohol syndrome from consuming alcohol three months before conception, so with that basis in mind I am definitely at risk.   

After some serious reflecting, talking with one of my therapists, and researching, I know what I need to do to move forward.
Therapy, support, couple counseling and commitment to these things are so so important. Also, I will be having my abortion this week, and I believe that it is the best choice given my predicament. (My apologies to anyone whose solely pro life). I can't bring a child into this world without being fully prepared, that is emotionally, financially, relationally... I want to have a child when I know the child will have a good, healthy life. Not like the childhood we grew up in.

Thanks again,

Silver

Hi Everyone,

As the subject says, over the last six-seven months, my symptoms, & communication style, fear of abandonment & flight type have been severely activated. Conflict arises, I feel threatened, and want to leave (we live together). I understand now, especially in hindsight how wrong of a way this is to communicate to my spouse. Over the months, last summer, we agreed that I couldn't live here until I got into a intensive program, so  left the house and moved in with my paternal grandmother.During that time frame though,  I'd go out with a girlfriend, which we'd do all kinds of things together, hiking, lake, country dancing (which involved me drinking), got to get our nails done, food, concerts... & I never mentioned it to my spouse. In the begining he knew I was hanging out with  friend named X, but he didn't know how often, or that we'd go out (together!) quite frequently.

During those times, of course, everything came out. Id call him in the middle of the night after dancing, drunk. He'd pick me up, and would be furious, because, I withheld information for what I was doing. During this time, in my mind, because we said I shouldn't live at home until I got into a program, I just wanted to ignore?  avoid him? Not come over, to I suppose avoid more conflict.... I did eventually get into a program, which took 2 1/2 months. Thing is, I ended up moving back in, because, he had picked me up the night before night at E's house,I was under the influence, drunk, and  he was furious (Her and I, along with her parents went to a concert together, and drank). He ended up picking me up, taking me home, and the next morning it was a whammy situation. It came down to, me needing to move back in, get into program which I started the next week, and to also drop all contact and not be friends with

I don't know what I'm looking foreign typing this, But I guess I just wanted a few of yours opinions, comments and advice.
PS: I have committed myself to being completely honest, not going out dancing, ofr being friends with e as well as will be starting more therapy, and groups.
Sorry my post is a little all over the place
Thanks,
Silver

  
Proud of you Kat, your strength is shining through.

Hi sanmagic, I would agree. MY relationship, is not healthy, and yet I'm so confused...

Starting to to begin to question my own sanity though, he told me I'm just delusional/crazy... my mind says one way - his interpretation is completely opposite. I just... don't know, because I DO get disregulated, can't calm myself - but environment is a factor and the control he has definitely compounds my effects.
Merry Christmas everyone.
I hope today we got the opportunity rot at least be grateful for the little things in life.

For me, greatful I am. But in my heart of hearts saddened, confused, and just want a hug - (still am practicing self soothing) which for some reason is so hard for me to do, its hard for me to feel love for myself, or hug myself and feel calmness,  rather than another person hugging me which seems to calm me pretty quickly, of course depending on the person.

Today, Its christmas... Today for me though, this year, its so much more. Today is also nearing the end of the year - which  for me, was the longest (fastest) & worst year of my life - Processing of trauma is tough, and for me this year I handled it by coping maladaptively, using drugs, disassociating, aiding, doubting, and scaring the completely * out of myself - Failing in school, failing relationships, lack of complete work ethic that before this process, I had hope. I had belief in my ability to rise above despite how I was raised and then I refuted back to my old ways...

Here I am, feeling like I've woken up while I just watched 'myself' be a passing tornado that screwed up all my domains of life that I worked years to build myself up to. I'm grieving this year, all my losses and really feeling all of myself. I am not proud of how i've acted, and am trying to not allow myself feel swollen up by the toxic shame I feel inside for behaving the way I have. I want to move forward, but I'm scared, scared of myself.

Scared of the world, scared of failing, scared of ending up like them...

But I guess thats whats also fueling me at the same time - call it ego - or call it strength, but I promised myself 5 years ago, when I got sober that I wouldn't end up like my family, I wouldn't perpetuate the cycle, I would and was the first one to go to college...
Waking up from the wake of my own undoing - realizing the reconditioning I need to do to build myself up - is a lot. I feel true grief and compassion all at the same time.

I miss my family, I miss my brother, I miss the feeling of safety when i thought my dysfunctional family, was, normal, and so I wasn't scarred of everything. Now I see, and can remember what it felt like ever so slightly to have belief in my abilities and will work from there.

I never do the whole new year resolution thing, but I feel this year I really need to just hit the, pause, or restart button, and give life another try. Give myself a chance to do better and be better for myself, and for my family - I want to prove them wrong, I want to rise above -
So starting tomorrow, not in the new year, I want to make a commitment to commit to myself. To actually practice self compassion, self love, self esteem. Have belief in myself, make a list of goals, break down that list even more, and start taking the steps to better myself. Starting with sobriety, I know in my heart i'm at my best when clear minded and not using to 'cope'. I can and have done it before. Eating, and gaining a healthier relationship with food, exercising because my body is really starting to feel the effect I've caused myself in this last year by not taking care of my fundamental needs. Committing myself to better my boundaries, and speak for what I want, or feel what I feel as if it is ok, and not feel shamed by myself.

This, is something I truly want for myself. I miss having myself as my safety net and want to gain that back.

I hope I can read this in times of weakness and use this as a reminder to continue for what I WANT not what I 'feel' I don't deserve or can't do.
I got diagnosed with thyroid irregularities  today and need to improve my life and habits greatly so I can BE - Me.

Happy Christmas :group hug:

Silver

Thanks Decimal,
Barely holding on, but holding on I am.

(MODERATOR NOTE - This post contains detailed descriptions of DV, discussion of SI, and involuntary events.)

I'm not sure if I should post this in my recovery journal - because - its a complicated situation -


The only silver lining that came from this experience is the doctors found irregular thyroid problems, and I got a call they found something serious and i'll be having a appointment to meet with the endocrinologist soon - Which I see as a good thing, because third cancer runs in my family, and irregular thryiod hormones can cause mood disregulation, irritability, fatigue, weight loss, digestive issues, and a whole lot of others things. So, If I do have an imbalance and/or its cancer, its treatable, and may help regulate me a LITTLE bit more. Because, reality is, I still have trauma, but maybe it'd make it easier being regulated.

I woke up this morning in absolute pain, figured i'd update my recovery...
Not sure where to go or really what to do form here, jus tank I never want end up in a place like that EVER EVER EVER AGAIN.

Thanks for whoever takes the time to read my post.
Always,
Silver

Hellllo everyone 
Today I'm finally decided to update my recovery journal as i've had ALOT going on lately and its been a doubled sword, I'm learning from these experiences but they've been hard, and very tasking and draining.
Last week I had an array of dissociated episodes, that I can;t remember, but know I was acting out like an angry, teenager...I even hurt my SO. Through taking some time to process, I realize now, I was flashing back and having a dissociated episode back to around the first time I got raped. So I acted and reacted in that manor, scared, and using anger as a secondary emotion to convey what I was feeling. I hate that this has happened and can happen again in the future, because it scares me. It scary not knowing when/if under TOO much pressure, i'll have an episode? Explode? Hurt people? Be mean!? These are things that are not in my character at all, if I'm triggered yes, I withdrawal, but thats the severity of the extent its gotten to, not last weeks events.
I'm trying to be forgiving and give myself compassion and understand that, I was under a lot of chaos, and due to that I dissociated. Not proud, but trying to be a friend to myself so I can move forward.
All along, I thought I was really working toward my recovery, when I realize I kind of was, but really wasn't applying to logistics, and coping mechanisms properly when triggered. When triggered, I usually have tendency to revert back to old ways of being, communicating, feeling and not "trying" to pull myself out, and try to get out of the state that Ive been in.
I see now the power my thoughts, the power my "beliefs" about myself have on how I, interact, react, or even don't act because of fear, doubt and anxiety. Seeing this, is powerful for me, because it gives me the strength to want to do better for myself, for my life.
I started a new group today, called a "Skills" class. we meet by weekly, and it a DBT skills class. So far, so good. I love the class because the skills being taught are so applicable, to me, and I believe really anyone would benefit form understand skills to better regulate our emotions, & thoughts. So thats  for me

I appreciate everyone who took the time to respond to my post under dissociation, It's really made me feel not so alone, and more normal, given the circumstances.

Thats all for now,
Always,
Silver

Hi everyone,
Thank you ALL for your responses.
I'm really at a loss of words, still. The last few days, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today have been a huge blur. Lots of emotional outbreaks, like my preteen/teenage self. Scared, volatile, aggressive & mean....
I don't know what to say to my SO, or the people who have been around me during these episodes, because I can't remember. I feel so embarrassed, ashamed, like I don't know what to say or how to react. It makes me want to hide, or run far far away... Where no one knows me, or sees, or knows I exist. I must still be in a sort of flashback like state, feeling so small n' all, but I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to behave. 

I know i have to take full responsibility for the awful things I said during these outbursts, but it's so hard because I feel like it'd be taking responsibility of something "I" didn't do - It feels more like I'm taking responsibility for someone "elses" mistakes.!? I don't know how to explain it other then like that, it was me, all while at the same time it wasn't but a compartmentalized part of myself thats very very hurt, scared, and angry as *. I can't get over how ugly in character I have been becoming in these states either...

How do I make things right? Or how do I step up and take responsibility for these situations I feel like, I literally couldn't really control and literally had no recollection of it happening until after the fact?
This sucks, a lot.
I know recovery is two steps forward and one step back, but this time it just feels like full blown regression to my maladaptive ways of being. Ive turned into being just like my FOO, just plain mean and disrespectful.

Thanks again for all your support, and input. Its made me feel like i'm not completely losing my mind

Always, silver

This sounds to me as tho you've experienced a dissociative episode. Maybe, at that moment, you really WERE a scared teenager? I've had them myself, and they are very confusing, but understandable for us. With all the stress you were under, it's no wonder! I'm very foggy today and no energy or I'd say more but I'm sure others will have input too. Sorry this happened to you.

Hi ThreeRoses,
Thank you for responding even though your foggy and have no energy! I appreciate it, a lot. A dissociative episode? Is this separate from DID!?!?
I'm really scared I may have a Co-occuring disorder, like, CPTD & DID!? But I don't know, I have enter experienced anything like this, and feel like, you may be right, because I definitely acted out like my teenage self, emotionally disregulated, rude, mean, thoughtless, and scared. I hope though, that this could be a symptom of CPTSD, somewhere?!

I feel so ashamed, and so embarrassed. Yesterdays went was the LAST place to have any sort of episode or act the I did. I can't comprehend what happened, why, or what was going on.... But, everything I've heard is I acted completely, awful, obnoxious, rude, scary, suicidle,all while at the same time can't recall any of it... but only ever so slightly, like I get slumps, but can't put together a full picture/story.

Thank you again, threeroses, I hope you get rest and will feel less foggy soon!

HI Everyone,
Apologies in advance for my post being all over the placea, I'm slightly frazzled by this experience.

So, as my post says I completely lost track of 5-6 hours of time yesterday, doing and acting "crazy".
I little back story to give my situation a little more context.... Last week a close friend of mine and my bfs best friend committed suicide, both of our birthdays was in that week, and thanksgiving. Aside from the holidays, Ive spent the last week or so supporting my SO, and my friends family/boyfriend. Wednesday, thursday and saturday evening, my house tried to get broken into by 3-5 16-19 yo kids...  I was home alone during each encounter and had to bring out guns, and all together was a triggering enough situation.

Yesterday comes, the day of my friends funeral, and both my SO and I were very uncomfortable with how to service was being handled, But of course we went to show support for our friend, and the close family. Long story short, I saw people from my past I DID not want to see, and got triggered!?

I lost track of the last half of the service, leaving, getting home, yelling, screaming, threatening to kill myself, going off my SO, & I even hit him!! I'm at a loss of words for the situation that took place because, I have absolutely never in my life experienced something like this, to the extent that it went to and I can't even recall a thing. I have no clue what happened, or why I acted in that manor. It all apparently started when we were leaving  and some women (a friend of the mothers/ meth addict) said to me as I walked by, * DID YOU JUST SAY?! I'm the mothers best friend, did you just say * as you were walking out!?" I did, but  I was thinking about something completely unrelated to any of the situation there, and was muttering * at something I was thinking about,& from there it goes blank.
Completely blank, I can't remember a thing. What I know though, Is i was yelling at SO the whole way home, telling him to F off, and a whole list of horrible awful things. My SO said it was like I was a completely different person, like a scared teenager or something...

I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and so so so confused. I really would llke some help, or insight if anyone has every experienced or heard of something like this happening to them?
Any advice is welcome
Thank you anyone who take the time to read my post,
Silver

Hello Everyone!
Ive had my PE therapy this week, and did go through my intense EF the following day, Tuesday, but was better able to come out and control myself. I think this is probably due to three factors, one being the therapy is working two I'm trying to implement better more healthier coping mechanisms , and three - I haven't been using substances daily to "Deal" . That for me, has been tough just because I have the urge to smoke weed, and relieve my stressors as soon as I awaken, but I am now I'm holding my ground. Trying to control my impulses and not act impulsively based on my "irrational" emotions.
I think the last few weeks of experiences have brought me to a point where, I see the dysfunction I can create, I see the power and role I play in my life's dynamics, specifically my toxic inner critic, which is Toxic and to be quite frank a real trouble maker.

I think you make a very good point San, what is familiar is something I go back to in my EF's - which is self sabotaging as well as relationship sabotaging behavior all together. Which come from a deep belief my inner critic/myself hold - I think some where I think things can't or won't ever be ok -So I act impulsively on these beliefs, and have come to  point where I see the irrational in all of this. Thank you! Big hug to you too!

Always,
Silver 

This topic for me is a toughie.
As we all know, CPTSD isn't a clear or even considered a "real" diagnosis in the DSM -
As of right now, & how the DSM is based off of, I don't think, anytime soon, CPTSD will get the acknowledgment it needs - & that is due to all of the over lapping symptoms we have with other "disorders" - syndromes & in my opinion a better description would be injury.

That being said, I think the word cumulative is a perfect description for merging it with PTSD - based on the increased amounts of trauma - PTSD itself is complex, that we can't deny, so I think if it were changed to Cumulative PTSD - they can then have a better footing on how much more the intensity is for us, rather then someone who has just experienced one traumatic event, which can change someones brain chemistry, definitely. But, cumulative would give a better distinguishing quality to our compounded, complex, trauma that we've endured throughout our whole lives - Of course this is on a scale, but I think that there should be clear distinguishing factors from 1 traumatic experience (Which is fine, per the individual, and not any less real) Vs. a multitude of traumatic experiences that would compound the effects tremendously of average PTSD -

I couldn't agree more Rocket, and appreciate your input. I've got to keep pushing forward.

Silver

I'm not proud of what i'm about to post in my recovery journal, but am going todo it anyways. To be honest and authentic..
Nov 8th I posted about a series of events.. Later that night, I made the conscious choice to buy some cocaine. I have been dabbling in it, here and there, and tonight got "caught" by my SO -
So many emotions - guilt, shame, fear, anger, sadness, its all here. I know in some respect its rational but possibly at the same time irrational?
I used to use hard "recreational" drugs as a youth, and was completely sober form any substances for four years. Last year, started drinking a little bit, smoking weed, and dabbling in "therapeutic" drugs (That, IMO has given me deep insight and perspective to myself,past, & present). I never started to do "hard" drugs on my own at my own will. Yes, there have been time where its been available and I've said yes to taking lines, here and there throughout this process. But, I had a philosophy of only doing theraputic drugs, or smoking weed or things like that - manageable.
Nov 8th comes - I made the irrational, but matriculated choice in getting and buying the cocaine.
My SO "caught" me a few hours ago.

I feel awful, about lying. I really feel horrible about it. In my  mind I rationalized his predicament, knowing he's not ok wit hame doing hard drugs on mown, and took it upon myself to consciously lie (by not telling him) and consciously doing the drugs, and hiding them.

As I sit here an reflect on this situation, as I have for many others, in different domains aside from drugs.. I've come to feeling that, my emotional, maladaptive ways of being is just complete chaos. I create so much disfunction, knowing, logically its wrong, and have done the opposite on so many occasions, so many times over. How can I not learn - or learn, then unlearn, then learn and unlearn again. I don't get it. But I get it at the same time, I understand emotional brain vs. rational brain. I get emotional hijacking, but its there character part I'm struggling with more. Rationally, I'm a kind, honest, human being.. or at least that what I want to be. But emotional I'm a F******* ticking bomb just waiting for dysfunction 12-15 y/o me to come out and be rambunctious, and careless and reckless, and bad. Just bad to be honest.

I am not in the clearest state of mind but want to get this out so I can reflect on my emotional state, and also be honest with myself and this community which helps with my growth too.

Thanks,
Silver

Hello Everyone! :group hug:
The subject topic really speaks volumes to why I'm reaching out to our community & in the, "Our relationships to others, Dating" portion of the forum. I am currently in a very serious relationship, both emotionally and physically, we do live together and are both young adults dealing with our own "baggage" &/or  "issues", while at the same time going through conditioned ways of being in our relationships & attachment styles.... which creates conflict in our dynamic, but we are learning from one another... and I can see are truly growing and learning.

Thing is, I feel like i'm at a point where, the reality is, I can see the dysfunction and dynamics where we have been. Which is,  pushing and pulling - being,  back and forth, based on our attachment, how I interact in the past, which is more of an avoidant dismissive and he being an anxious preoccupied attachment style....
I'm in the first month of my intensive prolonged exposure therapy, but, have also spent the last year since being diagnosed with and getting into a proper program, researching, & trying to understand "my" relationship dynamic & own psychology, while at the same time, trying to find my true sense of self.
Through this process, I've really never felt more connected to my true self. Not the scared hurt child, but the, confident young women I would have been, without the fear response/inner critic state of mind &or being in existence in relation to how I interact or view the world.

My reason for posting is to see how other have "dealt with" there SO while in the beginning stages of recovery - Specially, if anyone one can give me some perspective on dealing with an SO with C- PTSD themselves.
I am a year into start my journey of recovery, and cycles the cycles that have come with that -
He is in the first few weeks of coming to the realization, he himself has CPTSD too. We al know it manifests in everyone differently, and at the same time on a spectrum. His experience, my experience, ours,  or your experience, are all true to us, authentically and that is all that matters.
So, over the last few weeks, I've been more empathic, understanding and also have the abiltity to remove my overly emotional self and be there for him in a truly, supportive way... like he has done for me many times thoughout the year.
Now the dynamics have changed at least in my mind.He is, in his perception, in sense where I was a year ago, and I am in a sense, where he was a year ago too...

How have if anyone has dealt with there recovery, while at the same time being there for someone who is in your same position, but differently...?
Any one have any perspective to give on this, i'd be truly grateful for too! For the last few weeks, I've just have been "walking on egg shells" & want us both to grow through this experience, together. Instead the dynamics have changed, he's re-traumtized - & I'm emotionally available - He being re-traumtized, is withdrawing.... - Its a flip flop dynamic, and I a wonder if anyone has ever experienced this or has any advice to give so I can move forward, and he can as well.. proactively, and safely.
Thanks for any advice, or even just taking the time to read my post,
Always,
Silver