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Hey, thanks, you two. 

I'm not sure if I deserve the rest, San. I do feel pretty tired of working on anything social can do to me, but do I deserve the rest? I'm still thinking of when I said I'd leave this place for good after an intense panic attack from an EF. Usually, I'm self-aware that my fears aren't logical, but that day I couldn't think logically at all. I probably worried many of you.

I don't remember a day where I haven't been not filled with deep guilt for years, but in that scenario, it made the situation worse to make up for something I didn't do. I've let my heart who's always afraid of what others think to build my own morality, but why can't my own morality be logical too?

Sure, compassion may be felt by the heart, but logic helps implement that in a suitable fashion when the facts are presented. You see, the facts here is that deep guilt makes things worse. I hurt myself and I hurt others more. In my calculation, I understand that my emotions weren't making me see things right.

Why can't my heart be the wiser heart that all these "follow your heart" people are? Their heart actually tells them to do smart things for once. Oh well. Rational compassion helps me more, after all. Being able to straightforwardly tell harmful people in my lives to change even if the truth hurts, is, of course, the thing that actually gets results. And so did my friend help me by being blunt with what I'm doing wrong.

It's tempered with some tact of course -- lead by logic doesn't mean 100% all logic based. Some people could get hurt if my decisions were all robotic, but no, I'm human. A human that can get overemotional from things like EFs and falling in love.

Well, someday I hope what my heart tells me to make sense for once. I don't feel like I need rest, but I do think I do. I slept a lot today.

But my heart did reluctantly forgive itself at least, but I wish someone else would tell me they forgive the crazy lil' guy too. Damn. To say to take it easy for once, and well, that it's alright to cry about hurting others.

 

Gromit, thanks for your concern though even if you don't have advice. 

Thanks for the concern Kizzie. I think a general description does help.It's thought provoking though to think this is the result of trauma. I remember not being listened to as a little kid at all about any of my need for rest or help without threatening something more extreme. I'll try to be aware of this specific EF and alert people around me if it happens.

Thanks Sceal for giving the link. That's just what I'm looking for. Yeah, I do need some structure around what to ask myself when asking for something. 

I do have the answer? I don't know. I've been worrying about it for the last several hours straight. I'm still not particularly sure.

Continuing from my last post, I'm still thinking about that misunderstanding and fight I made with a friend before. I must have gotten reactive from the intense EF I had, huh? Sigh.

I've asked too much from that person and crossed boundaries. I did it because I was desperate for help from a narrow source. So I've talked and had a heartfelt talk with my family about another try, and even if they were utterly terrible parents back then, they actually did manage to change for me that night.

I've opened up to my two occupational therapists in the deepest talks I ever had with them about my issues. Not as much as I do here, but it's a start. Gotten the will to get back to the site 7 cups of tea if I want a live conversation online, and some other sites for different conditions I have.

I've been reflecting about it for hours thinking on how to prevent it, and I think . . . some things make sense. Some things still don't, and much of it still gives me a headache. What have I done wrong? I'd prefer people's behavior to work more similarly to equations visualized through graphs, but well, people don't work that way.

I thought I passed that stage of overanalyzing everything to the point of exhaustion, but I'm still scared of what I can't understand well enough. It just moved from educational/career plans to relationships.

Geez. What would it mean if I can't figure out? It would mean it was my fault, and I didn't try hard enough.

It's not just my inner critic who says that. It's my compassionate self too. The difference is one of them actually believes I can do it.

But maybe it's better I don't push myself too much. I feel kinda. . . faint and dizzy.

I've been told I ask too little help, so I went to the extreme of asking a lot of help. Then when I went to ask for too little help again, and people told me otherwise. This confuses me.

Maybe I should ask different amounts of help from different types of people. Maybe it's the way I ask for help that's bad. But not sure about the specifics.

What can I do?

I have a confession.

Maybe I really am not the best person as I think I am. Somewhere inside me is just a me who just wants to attract more and more people just for the sake of me.. Somewhere inside I'm more pathetic and envious than I am outside. Of maybe just . . . someone who's just unaware of what's better.

So leave me if you like. Have no sympathy for me if you like.

But someone tell me. What makes something just talking about my hurt and attention seeking? What makes something requesting and what makes something begging? What makes something reaching out and what makes something clingy?

At the very least even if my inner critic is just blaming myself too much, I'd have the comfort of at least intellectually understanding why I'm doing something good. People give me all sorts of compliments or insults, and without understanding why, I lack trust in it.

I don't want to be the pain that attracts monsters, and that someday I'll be taken away.

I woke up with my eyes feeling teary eyed from a nightmare.

After a  vacation, I'd ride back home in a bus. But when I came back, the world around was caught up in a field of monsters. I hid shaking under the dinner table, when another survivor found me there.
I was taken to another survivor's camp and trained to strict standards on how to fight.

I was discriminated against, and I had to stand up for myself with words each time. I remember saying, "So what? Age, gender, social class, and race are all lost in a world like this."

I remember staying inside a plane, and talking with friends. But when one guy tripped and injured himself, people moved quickly to him to help. Not out of kindness, but out of fear. Pain was what attracted the monsters in this world, and happiness was a luxury.

A machine matched him as immoral, and he was taken away — leaving me wondering if I could ever be taken away too.

It was a vivid dream — my senses were heightened and it all felt . . . so real.

I'll try to dry my tears then.

A part of me is still anxious and afraid of not being accepted, but for some reason, I don't have the same pangs of loneliness anymore.

What got better? My emotions of connection towards others aren't dissociated in fear of being hurt anymore. I'm willing to speak up for my own boundaries now, especially in regards to needing to be alone and resting. I also can avoid the other extreme of taking my anger out on others because I haven't asked for my boundaries sooner.

I trust opening up to ask for help more -- whether in intellectual or emotional problems. I've gotten better at conversation skills and can think a lot more on my feet to adapt to different topics. I thought I'd relate to no one, but if I look closer, I can find more areas to relate with. My empathy catches up with my logical thinking, so my words aren't as blunt.

My curiosity winds up as a strength that I'm easily fascinated by different people's different interests, beliefs, and motives to ask questions. My sense of wonder has become a unique signature charm, even if I can be a little slow in forming my ideas, but I can call that being thoughtful, right? 

I still get nervous and leave too soon or say too little, as well as other people's body language doesn't always full make sense to me. I'm still on the spectrum and will probably have a couple quirks or clumsiness all my life, but it won't be a dealbreaker for deep connection.

I'm not exactly joyful, really. But I'm not disappointed, and more fully relaxed.

It seems that it's rare in society to meet professionals in therapy who'll really deeply listen to you. They decide on a diagnosis too quickly, and they have too much faith in themselves as "experts".

Those scientific studies may be true for a population as a whole, but it could be different or expressed differently in a specific person. They lack the ability to weave the collective and individual perspectives of a person together — especially the latter where they have to truly listen to the patient they're supposed to help.

Well, take care. And I hope that even after a long search, you'll find someone to listen to you, whether that may be a therapist or yourself.

Hey, wishing a loving peaceful rest to you.

Anxiety can be tricky to word, I know. Lots of people use metaphors, music, art, movements or other creative ventures to describe the subtle difference to it I recall though.

Anyway, take care. 

I guess the body just does what it needs to sometimes. Like emotions, the body is also a signal of something it needs. A warning of needing to gently take care of yourself more, Sceal. I'm happy to hear you'll be asking for advice around it more.

Interesting. You think of people as taste or scent? Ooh! Ooh! What am I then? Sorry if this is unrelated — sometimes I get overly curious and bombard people with questions.

Thanks, San.  I guess I do like being different a lot more lately, and my ability to think verbally has gotten a lot quicker for better real life conversations. Not entirely though.  I'm still listening to the podcast, "Grownups Read Things They Wrote as Kids", Sceal suggested. And it's comforting to relate to others about the awkwardness of growing up.

Awwww, Elpha. I think you're doing great. You have a beautiful love of music and a beautiful love for others. While it's important to be self-ish like San says for yourself, caring for yourself can allow you to care for others better. The Western world thinks of productive as something done with action, but I believe there's a lot to figure out through reflection and thought too.

In the STEM world, for example, some people don't see mathematicians as useful as engineers. Engineers are the practical people in STEM and those math geeks are just playing with numbers. But with playing around with ideas, they discover information that could allow new practical ideas. Mathematical knot theory was a leisure time for math geeks in labeling how knots could be tied with different numbers and structure. Later on, scientists found out that molecules inside the body could work like knots, and knot theory could be used for the medical field.

As someone who's err. . . an "impractical" person as well for ideas (and math), I give a lot of credit to random exploration and time for reflection. By losing a direction, new opportunities could be found by thinking differently and without order. We lose our way by staying rigidly towards a path that doesn't work, and to find something that does work mean not acting in that path.

Well, take care, Elpha. Here. 

I don't usually talk about two issues in posts a day in my Recovery Journal, but I'm aching to share it.

I found it strange that I can switch between from upsettingly shy to incredibly unshy, and I found the reason why. I find it easier to communicate ideas visually than verbally.

In school, I was the class clown. I was talented at visual comedy. I could quickly create silly body language in imaginary scenarios and improvise with everyday items on the spot.

But when I tried to speak with words, I'd get afraid. I'll run away from conversations. I'd give overly short responses to questions. People might see my own suffering emotions visually, but I can't explain to them why in words.

I dubbed myself "The Silent Pranker", a nickname that I'm also silent about. Known throughout the entire high school, yet when approached would often freak out to run to bury themselves alone in books and thoughts.

Sigh. I'm more tongue-tied in real life, and online I'm afraid to express my humorous side in text-based environments.

Where can I find the best of both worlds? And why in the world do I have this unique problem in the first place?

I'm weird.