Hi,
This is my first post, and I'll try to keep it concise but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, so I apologize if I get too wordy or write too much.
I've never had any doubt about the the fact that I suffered a lot of PA, EA, and neglect during a volatile childhood in which I was dumped with whatever family or friend would take me for however long they would take me. But I did not think I had suffered SA - inappropriate things, yes - but not SA. However, when I told my T about something, she labeled it SA. That led me to tell her about about another thing, that too she labeled SA. As I've thought about these things, I haven't remembered other SA but rather questioned how or why I felt a certain way about situations that occurred before the things that she confirmed were SA. So, that makes me wonder if I was SA at an even younger age and just don't remember.
***Trigger Warning***
Here's the first thing I told my T about: When I was 9, I stayed with some neighbors for about 2 weeks. They had a daughter who was 12-13 and I stayed in her room (I'm female). She taught me what she called "the rape game." I do not recall any penetration, but I do remember fondling and that she would get on top of me and "go through the motions." I think this "game" went on the whole time I was there. I went along with it, which was shameful to me and why i had never ever told anyone until now. She never caused me any physical pain and I was also ashamed that the physical touch was arousing. My T pointed out that even though she too was a child, it was still abuse (I also wonder what happened to her/where she learned the "game.") I'd always thought of it as inappropriate and embarrassing, but not abuse.
The other thing I told her about was when I was 12. I was living with a family member who also had her exH's sons living there. The younger one was 15-16 and I liked hanging out with him as a "big brother." It started with relatively innocent tickling and progressed to "how close can I get to your privates before it tickles." I now realize he was grooming me. There was no intercourse, but there may have been other penetration - I don't remember for sure. Again, I told no one. I was embarrassed and ashamed for the same reasons as the other time. Even telling my T, I thought maybe it was my fault for "consenting" but then at another point in our session I mentioned that I had also started wetting the bed around that time, which she explained was a classic symptom of SA.
Those things being labeled as SA have made me question feelings and thoughts I had as young as age 5. At 5, I told my mother that I knew this little boy loved me "because he showed me his thing down there." This little boy never did anything to me, but why would I, at 5 years old, think that seeing someone's penis meant he loved me? At age 6, during school recess, I would try to let the little boys see my underwear (I'd flip upside down in a dress on the monkey bars) because I thought if I let them see my underwear, they'd like me - why would I think that at age 6? At age 7, a friend and I had an encounter with a predator. We were picking berries or something along the side of the road, he came along and offered to help us reach the high ones. He lifted her up with his hand in her crotch and I saw he had his pants open with his genitals exposed. This did not shock me - I remember thinking I wanted him to pick me up too because it would feel good. Why would I think that and why wasn't seeing his genitals shocking to me? Fortunately, my friend WAS shocked by it - I think she kicked him and we ran away. There are other things too, but some are more flashes of memory with a feeling of discomfort but I don't know the context. Some others are more embarrassing than I am able to talk about right now.
I think that individually, these things could maybe be explained away. But collectively, I feel like it means something. I think it means that somewhere, somehow, I learned things that no child should learn. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it all. I don't know, but thanks for listening.
This is my first post, and I'll try to keep it concise but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, so I apologize if I get too wordy or write too much.
I've never had any doubt about the the fact that I suffered a lot of PA, EA, and neglect during a volatile childhood in which I was dumped with whatever family or friend would take me for however long they would take me. But I did not think I had suffered SA - inappropriate things, yes - but not SA. However, when I told my T about something, she labeled it SA. That led me to tell her about about another thing, that too she labeled SA. As I've thought about these things, I haven't remembered other SA but rather questioned how or why I felt a certain way about situations that occurred before the things that she confirmed were SA. So, that makes me wonder if I was SA at an even younger age and just don't remember.
***Trigger Warning***
Here's the first thing I told my T about: When I was 9, I stayed with some neighbors for about 2 weeks. They had a daughter who was 12-13 and I stayed in her room (I'm female). She taught me what she called "the rape game." I do not recall any penetration, but I do remember fondling and that she would get on top of me and "go through the motions." I think this "game" went on the whole time I was there. I went along with it, which was shameful to me and why i had never ever told anyone until now. She never caused me any physical pain and I was also ashamed that the physical touch was arousing. My T pointed out that even though she too was a child, it was still abuse (I also wonder what happened to her/where she learned the "game.") I'd always thought of it as inappropriate and embarrassing, but not abuse.
The other thing I told her about was when I was 12. I was living with a family member who also had her exH's sons living there. The younger one was 15-16 and I liked hanging out with him as a "big brother." It started with relatively innocent tickling and progressed to "how close can I get to your privates before it tickles." I now realize he was grooming me. There was no intercourse, but there may have been other penetration - I don't remember for sure. Again, I told no one. I was embarrassed and ashamed for the same reasons as the other time. Even telling my T, I thought maybe it was my fault for "consenting" but then at another point in our session I mentioned that I had also started wetting the bed around that time, which she explained was a classic symptom of SA.
Those things being labeled as SA have made me question feelings and thoughts I had as young as age 5. At 5, I told my mother that I knew this little boy loved me "because he showed me his thing down there." This little boy never did anything to me, but why would I, at 5 years old, think that seeing someone's penis meant he loved me? At age 6, during school recess, I would try to let the little boys see my underwear (I'd flip upside down in a dress on the monkey bars) because I thought if I let them see my underwear, they'd like me - why would I think that at age 6? At age 7, a friend and I had an encounter with a predator. We were picking berries or something along the side of the road, he came along and offered to help us reach the high ones. He lifted her up with his hand in her crotch and I saw he had his pants open with his genitals exposed. This did not shock me - I remember thinking I wanted him to pick me up too because it would feel good. Why would I think that and why wasn't seeing his genitals shocking to me? Fortunately, my friend WAS shocked by it - I think she kicked him and we ran away. There are other things too, but some are more flashes of memory with a feeling of discomfort but I don't know the context. Some others are more embarrassing than I am able to talk about right now.
I think that individually, these things could maybe be explained away. But collectively, I feel like it means something. I think it means that somewhere, somehow, I learned things that no child should learn. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it all. I don't know, but thanks for listening.