I struggle with suicidal ideation on most days when I am feeling stressed. I wish I understood what triggered these thoughts better. I never make plans for killing myself but sometimes I visualize it occurring, what I might use, who might care, etc. Ultimately I do not act on these thoughts. I have had healthcare professionals ask whether I am going to harm myself or others and I always say no, but it can't be good that I am thinking about it, right? My ideation always passes when circumstances improve in my life but it can be so rough when I am experiencing it, it can feel scary at times, and I feel very alone when I have these thoughts, which really doesn't help. Add to that the economic uncertainty I I am facing and my stress level goes up. I sometimes wonder if the reason employers keep rejecting me (firing me for having symptoms) is because they hope I will opt out of life. Are they sending me a message that my kind (the damaged kind) isn't wanted here? I keep wondering. I want to just sleep but I feel so guilty about lying in bed when my partner is at work. I need the rest but I don't want the guilt that goes along with it because of him.