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I was diagnosed as suffering from dissociative attacks 5 years ago but at the time they did not mention it having its roots in cptsd. I think its another form of dissociation in that ur brain feels intense threat (either on a concious or unconsious level) and like a rabbit freezing up in a foxes mouth you check out of the situation. It may be a way of reducing conscious suffering in a situation where your brain cant see a way out or a way of playing dead ( ie if the percieved threat is not stimulated into action by seeing movement or response then it will move on). Check out neurosymptoms.org which is a site put together by Jon Stone who diagnosed me.

Hi there,

To hear a father suffering from cptsd say that their daughter will not have to go through what they did really lifts me. I think of what I missed out on and how it shaped me and knowing that there are ppl out there trying to nip this uneccessary cycle in the bud gives me so much hope. I'm so glad you have a therapist to guide you through this. Here in the uk there are massive waiting lists for therapy on the nhs.

Hey,

I know exactly what you mean. I remember very little before the age of 11 years in terms of events that I can put in any kind of chronological order. I was very detached and like u all I remember are feelings and I find it hard to pin them to events. I have another friend who has massive gaps in her childhood too. Her gaps coincide with periods of extreme stress. My childhood was not abusive as such but my parents were overwhelmed with the mental disability of a sibling close in age and my father was very emotionally distant. U dont have to have been abused as a kid to have been affected. whether a parent intends to neglect a childs needs or not the child will still experience the same abandonment and fear there of.

yeah I hear you! I remember very little of my childhood up until the age of about 11. I remember some things but mostly a feeling of anxiety, being detached from those around me and not understanding my emotions very well or how to communicate them. I recently tried to bring this up with my mother but she just said "You seemed happy enough just to do your own thing" and when I said I felt detached from my experiences she said "yeah but most ppl feel detached from their childhood self because u arent that person anymore". I gave up the discussion and trying to explain that ppl dont feel detached for 11 years of their childhood for no reason and hardly remember anything but feeling frightened, lonely and overwhelmed. I only started to look at this after I realised that the only way I could understand why I was abused as an adult and seem to attract bullies where ever I go was to look at how I developed as an individual and became the perfect juicy piece of bait for those ppl. Once I started to think about that my lovely fluffy fairy tale of denial just imploded.

ha yeah. I have a border collie and he has literally been the best therapy in dealing with my ptsd and depression symptoms. I have always wondered why they have therapy dogs going into hospitals and with kids with autism but not for those with ptsd or severe depression. When i'm triggered and overwhelmed its much easier and more effective to breath and hold and talk to my dog than it is to try and ground myself all by myself. I also find it hard to trust ppl and my puppy show me unconditional affection and gets the oxytocin going. I feel like the more I have him around the more safe I feel and that is helping me get better. Its really nice to know there are ppl here that wont minimise or deny the negative effects of what happens to u after abuse and neglect! I feel more confident moving forward. Some days u just feel stuck in the ptsd. Like your just broke and thats it.

Hi thank you soo much to you all for responding  . I have had a very hard time accepting that I didn't get what I needed emotionally growing up and that it made me vulnerable to abuse. I couldn't accept that for many years because I was brought up to know that asking for anything or needing attention or to be heard was selfish and that I was being ungrateful if I thought my parents didn't give me all I needed. I was desperate for a father figure I think. To know that other ppl have lived with this constant fear, anxiety and feeling of detachment is comforting even though it makes me feel sad that so many ppl go through life with this. It seems such an unnecessary burden for anyone when all that was required was attention, care or love growing up.

Hi ppl,
I have had a series of traumas in my life but I'm very skilled in dissociation and so until this year I managed to "function" on a fairly good level. I grew up in a family with an emotionally distant father and a severely learning disabled younger brother. My mother was very overwhelmed and I was unintentionally emotionally neglected. I became very detached from emotions, I was shy and never asked for what I needed and never learned to assert myself. I was bullied right through school and had depression to varying degrees all my life.

I left home pretty at 18 and was pretty well set up to be singled out for abuse from others. Instead of asserting myself or crying for help I automatically dissociated when ppl abused me. I always felt something was wrong with me and I was never enough.

Soo then I ended up in a 2 year long relationship with a man who turned out to be severely personality disordered ( antisocial personality disordered- covert narcassist). He started off my coach and convinced me that as well as helping me get better at my sport that he was also making me a "better"person. This turned from being joint self improvement to psychological abuse, threatening behaviour and sexual abuse. He gaslight me and projected his narcissism on to me. He even told me that if I didn't submit to the fact he was right when he was gaslighting me that I would one day suddenly come to know that I was as crazy as he said and I would commit suicide.  Anyway eventually I escaped this relationship. I had no therapy after this experience.

At the start of this year I was getting on with my life as best I could. I still had flashbacks and nightmares but managed to minimize these symptoms a great deal by just staying insanely busy, hardly sleeping, working my * of and ignoring my memories. Then boom! I had a massive emotional breakdown. All my emotions, memories and trauma came flooding in. I was soo sick I was self medicating and I overdosed to escape ( I'm lucky that I seem to have a weird resilience and I'm still here). It's like when I remembered everything and actually felt true emotions I went into shock. I had difficulty speaking and when I could I stammered, I still have ticks. I'm very hypervigilant and have sensory sensitivity (particularly to sound and movement). I'm anxious and fearful all the time.

Rather than dissociating and denying my experiences I'm now working on accepting, understanding and moving towards a more healthy existence. I don't know how to do that but I havent really got anyone to tell me and I have a feeling that sharing and speaking to others may help. If anyone relates please chat. It would mean the world to me to know I'm not alone.