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Welcome!!  I have found others on this forum to be extremely sensitive and supportive and hope you do too!

You haven't failed in any way - the only failure was by those who originally "taught" us to develop various coping mechanisms which have been necessary for survival, but luckily no longer so.  The fact that you are in touch with your inner child and want to help others shows that he's still a major part of your personality - the best aspects of your childhood personality are still very much part of your adult personality, as you have demonstrated.

I too thought for many years (and was told mainly by abusers) that I "must be" autistic - I used it as an excuse to withdraw and not engage, and it was used by others as an excuse for bullying and other abusive behaviours.  Thinking has now changed to that being another coping mechanism, that and trying to work out how to relate to the rest of the world myself through a haze of deeply negative experiences.  Unfortunately for many of us here, the "unwritten rules" were never taught to us, and a lack of love and empathy from others (who often were unable to teach that which they themselves do not know, and unable to pass on what they are lacking) resulted in some quite serious arrested development on the social learning front.

It's complicated, I think what I'm trying to say is that you have not failed by any standard - been failed by others perhaps, but you personally have done the best possible job with the tools provided.  We all continue to grow and learn after all - good luck with your journey!

Go for it!

Another favourite (although I didn't invent this one):

Confucius he say: "Man who cooks carrots in peas in same pot, most unsanitary."

:-)

Thanks for the encouragement!  I have had a very similar experience since, though not quite as intense, and although I have not been able to get the same feeling back "on demand" it has certainly had lasting effects.  One of these was to shift my attitudes to fully accept feelings, so I no longer class them as "good" or "bad" and don't try to artificially hang on to the ones I like the most, which always ended up in being miserable.  I was actually doing that out of habit subconsciously!

Currently reading "Learning to Love Yourself" by Gay Hendricks - he starts by describing a very similar phenomenon which luckily matches my experience so far.  I think the next stage is to not actively try to manipulate my experience and instead accept that there are some things which can be felt and not described.

Close friends have described me as a "different person", a "new man" and as "having a different and more intense energy" in the last couple of weeks, while other associates (who I think mostly hung around for free drugs, booze and for validation of negative outlooks) are kind of evaporating into the ether - some people I just don't see any more - others I am seeing more of and enjoying the time we're spending together.

In a way I've spent my life with my head up a certain physiological orifice, which I certainly don't blame myself for as it was taught from age 0, and is the "accepted" form of behaviour.

After all, Confucius says (he doesn't actually I made it up): "Man who live with head in rectum, soils his outlook".

Thanks!  There's still days at a time when I feel like excreta, but a recent attitude shift means I can be "OK" with it while it lasts and have faith that overall things will continue to improve (fingers crossed)!!

I hear you!  I started by realising that I felt literally NOTHING and began to explore the feelings beneath the emptiness.  Further research led me to childhood emotional neglect, then further to CPSTD where the "search" for the answer to "what is wrong with me???" ended.

It was a huge leap to realise that my well-meaning FOO had not done as good a job as they (and I) previously thought!  Many just can't face that due to one of many unwritten societal rules, in this case "respect your elders" etc.

But we have to work through these things because at worst (in my case) we'd die of it otherwise, at best living and dying as hollow shells of the people nature / God / oneness intended us to be.

Indeed there is much hurt I still carry which is gradually coming to the surface.  It seems my inner child hid his feelings from my adult self just like he had to during (what should have been) development.

But the hurt will either kill us in the end or make us bitter, destined to repeat the mistakes which led to us becoming hurt, and perpetuating the cycle.  I don't have a family or kids of my own, but I solemnly promise to myself and the rest of the world that this will end here, with my generation, I could not bear to treat any of my own descendants in such a way.

These days I freely admit that in many ways I am "maladjusted" and am proud of it.  After all, what's the point being well adjusted to a sick society?

OK, after a week or two away to practice actually caring for myself, I was well aware that while not obviously unhealthy in any way, I would rapidly become so unless my ways changed significantly.  I have been sleeping better, and find that the best sleeping pattern is actually sleep for five hours, wake up (naturally) for about an hour and then sleep for another five hours!  Interestingly I found an article about how this is actually the natural sleeping pattern for human physiology, and was forcefully changed during the period of industrial revolution.

Anyway, I begin to digress.  I first had to work on my social anxiety and outer critic before firstly finding that I actually have some very good and supportive friends, and then thinking through the memories and feelings which traditionally resulted in social anxiety where I would assume everyone was secretly judging and thinking the worst in situations which were outside my traditional "comfort zones".  This is because that actually did happen quite a lot, but thankfully I have demonstrated to my inner child that this is no longer the case.

So, time to get (physically) healthy then!  I went to a gym, for the first time EVER!  For me this is a huge achievement, as much of my previous trauma had been related to physical and group activities.  I wouldn't have gone on my own (still couldn't face that) but luckily outer critic work resulting in being able to work out who my friends are (and there were more than I thought) meant I had support.  This is from a very good friend who himself is recovering (physical injury resulting in lots of surgery) so it was good that we could support each other; I could provide the physical ability where required while he was extremely supportive mentally and seemed to intuitively know when I was becoming anxious before even I did and change the situation to suit.

It was actually far more enjoyable an experience that I was expecting and certainly beats sitting around on my own getting hammered on chemicals!

Speaking of which, I still get the compulsion to drink (and not stop until it stops me) but luckily as I think and feel my way through things, and new memories arise, that compulsion is becoming less extreme and easier to control.

Still taking it one step at a time (and a couple backwards sometimes) but will be hitting the gym again tomorrow!  Hope it goes as well as the first time, but at least my inner child (I think) is becoming more convinced that I am able to protect him.

Well, it didn't last forever, but has resulted in some permanent changes, all for the better.  While not being able to "summon at will" the experience, I find it is far easier to feel at peace and wonder at nature, as well as no longer defaulting to thinking the worst of other's undisclosed motivations!

Welcome!  It was certainly a great start and a huge relief for myself as well when I read Pete Walker's book and found it was mostly a description of myself and my experiences!

A friend of mine is also addicted to porn.  In the first stages of recovery I decided to "test the water" by telling a few select individuals what I was experiencing and how I had come to some profound realisations.  One friend told me of his porn addiction, which he credited for ending his marriage.  After talking we both felt our respective hearts had been "lightened" and are now supporting each other through tough times.  It's good to talk, and I hope you can find that kind of support here - it has helped me immensely, if only to put what initially feel like really complex thoughts into writing!

Welcome!

Yup I can relate to how it feels like such a weight was lifted from my mind when I finally found something that completely "fitted", and what's more is repairable, after years of being told that (effectively) my brain was simply defective in various ways.

Am dealing with alcohol also (among a couple of other addictions) and an working on them, but I have decided to shift focus mainly to recovery of my memories and the creation of a genuine sense of "self", because I began finding that as these things become stronger, my compulsion to drink / take drugs seems to naturally shrink and is becoming easier to control.

It's great to hear you have done so well, your story-so-far gives me hope for my own progress!

Thanks for sharing!

Welcome!

I found too that it was a huge relief when I finally found the concept of CPTSD which fits perfectly with my experience and symptoms.  As a read more on the subject, many of the books and articles seemed to be describing me as a case study!  It was also a relief to find that I was not alone in feelings, experiences and their results (although I do still think it is sad as I would not wish it on ANYONE else, let alone the kind peoples on here who have been extremely supportive (Thanks guys and girls!!)).  This, like yourself, was after various misdiagnoses and being told full-on inaccuracies by supposed "professionals" and "experts".

I find a good way to convince others who've not previously heard of it is to show them a copy of Pete Walker's book on the subject - many can relate to it even though it was never something they'd previously considered.

It seems to be gradually gaining recognition, and now appears on the official NHS website (over here in the UK) as a distinct diagnosis, which has to be a step in the right direction.

One reason many professionals may be reluctant to admit to CPSTD as a unique injury however, is that inclusion in diagnostic manuals would result in them turning from huge volumes into little pamphlets, as I have found all my previous misdiagnoses to be symptoms of CPSTD rather than a whole series of separate and unexplained "disorders" from which there was no recovery.  It also explains why prescribed medication did absolutely nothing positive for me (quite the opposite in some cases) (note I am not attempting to counter the usefulness of medications - they are incredibly helpful to some individuals - just not this one!)

Welcome!

Another one I can relate to, also to Three Roses - I spent quite a part of my teenage years feeling so "out of place" that I genuinely wondered if I was actually an alien anthropologist sent to observe humans with a view to whether they should be "preserved" or not.  Still in my early stages so have not completely shaken off that perception yet.  Thankfully though I have got over the deep desire for some kind of "rescue" from an external source, which is highly liberating.

Also like yourself, I am trying to work out who I am, having never had a sense of identity before, as any signs of a developing sense of self had previously been "brutalised" out of me in various ways before they could even take form.

But I am beginning to find that once we identify a starting point, these things can be built from scratch and take the form we desire / naturally slip into.

I will end by wishing you the best on your recovery journey!

Welcome!  The beginning of your journey resonates with my own - after years of pain and confusion, learning what needs to be learned and the reasons behind everything falling into place was a huge relief.

It is good that you are tackling problems with immense courage and perseverance also, you evidently have a very strong character.

I also like electronic tinkering - trying to learn something about (enough to reliably repair!) 1930s radios at the moment.  I too used to have a 'block' regarding this (something I've always wanted to do but have not really gained the courage) and did not know why, until some memories began to surface which had solidly put a stop to my early enthusiasm for such things.  Being able to "get into" what you want finally is a wonderful new-found freedom :-)

Good luck on your journey, may it mark the beginning of a whole new life for you!

Welcome!  It took me quite a while of looking around on the forum to break through the fear and post for the first time too!

It might only seem a simple mouse-click to some people, but the giant leap you both have taken can never be underestimated, and even better, you have demonstrated a courage to yourself which cannot be taken away.  Congratulations!

I can certainly relate to that feeling, and ended up over time deliberately exaggerating my "eccentricity" or "general weirdness" sometimes so that people wound't actually try to relate to me, such was my fear of others (which I now realised was conditioned from an early age) and suspicion of them (outer critic doing its thing).

Luckily as recovery inches along, I now realise that almost everyone is quite badly hurt in some way, but very few are willing to acknowledge the fact to themselves (let alone others) because it would mean facing their pain "head-on" as we are now having to do, and somehow work through it (I believe how that is done varies between individuals).  Because of that shift in belief, my irritation (which sometimes boiled over into strong verbal outbursts which were unexpected (defence mechanism)) has now turned into feeling sorry for them instead.  Luckily, having been drinking / self-medicating less, my intellect has returned so in the (luckily rare) cases where someone is actually deliberately malicious it has become easier to verbally destroy them (only where necessary) without upsetting myself or innocent bystanders!

I have also discovered that I actually have some very good friends (and some not-so-good former "friends") who previously I always kept at a distance due to a fear that if anyone did anything nice for me or acted in a caring way, that they were only trying to get me to "let my guard down" so that they could use the opportunity to humiliate me in any way they desired, for their own satisfaction.

At the moment I still withdraw sometimes for a week or so, but luckily the periods of feeling "safe enough" are getting longer...