Hi Sinthia,
Thank you for your courage to share your thoughts and feelings, deep and sacred. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It is my first memory with a much older neighborhood boy. I am lucky that we moved so I don't believe it went on for too long. I do lack the capacity to fathom the duration of your abuse or the fact that it was with family. Everything you describe seems like entirely natural responses to that situation and I have profound empathy.
I was age 3-4 when it happened, and I spent the next 20ish years absolutely terrified of men and becoming astute at avoiding compromising situations. If I wasn't able to get out of them, I would disassociate. At 19, I had a therapist who had me visualize being in a compromising situation, not disassociating, and establishing my boundaries. We did some role playing, and it was extremely helpful. I don't think you need to divulge all the "dirty" details; your therapist needs only to know that childhood sexual abuse happened and what your emotional experiences are today to work on some techniques. Not sure of the details of your relationships with men, but if you're not connecting emotionally, you might still be disassociating. It took me a long time to get past that emotional protectiveness response. FYI, I am not a therapist, just someone who's been in a lot of therapy.
So this is the part where I am a bit too forward sexually, so I am not sure I'd consider the need for a trigger warning but maybe a different type of warning.
**TW - reactive behavior**
There are a lot of responses to childhood sexual abuse. Some embrace promiscuity while others close in. While I would be the latter, 6 years of age is quite early to start masturbating and discover orgasm. All of my fantasies are derived through someone else's pleasure, with me being the one objectified. Even though I've primarily had healthy long-term sexual relationships, these fantasies have stayed with me. I no longer disassociate but am not sure this will ever go away.
And you're right, male libido is quite a force. There was a NYT article on it just this week, given our current consciousness-raising about male privilege, power, and sexual abuse. I believe in Evolution, and the first tenet of evolution is survival of the species, ie, Reproduction. Without reproduction, a species will die off so there are crazy mechanisms in place. Did you know that male dolphins gang rape? Male elephants are pretty aggressive as well. The animal kingdom is rife; female preying mantises eat their male sexual partners after consummation. But it's a spectrum. Any guy who I was in a relationship with, I made sure to tell about my past before we had sex. They all showed sensitivity and made sure my needs were met before theirs. With additional healing and the right male, you can have something that feels safe and meets your needs. Not to be too presumptuous but it sounds like you still have them, and you deserve to have them. If given the choice to cut off my arm or clitoris, I think I'd also choose my arm. I can get a prosthetic arm but can't regrow 8,000 nerve endings that have the capacity to deliver pleasure and release.
This is only my 2nd post so I hope that wasn't too forward. I have worked hard to discard the shame of all those details and presume that's one of the main points of this community.
Thank you for your courage to share your thoughts and feelings, deep and sacred. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It is my first memory with a much older neighborhood boy. I am lucky that we moved so I don't believe it went on for too long. I do lack the capacity to fathom the duration of your abuse or the fact that it was with family. Everything you describe seems like entirely natural responses to that situation and I have profound empathy.
I was age 3-4 when it happened, and I spent the next 20ish years absolutely terrified of men and becoming astute at avoiding compromising situations. If I wasn't able to get out of them, I would disassociate. At 19, I had a therapist who had me visualize being in a compromising situation, not disassociating, and establishing my boundaries. We did some role playing, and it was extremely helpful. I don't think you need to divulge all the "dirty" details; your therapist needs only to know that childhood sexual abuse happened and what your emotional experiences are today to work on some techniques. Not sure of the details of your relationships with men, but if you're not connecting emotionally, you might still be disassociating. It took me a long time to get past that emotional protectiveness response. FYI, I am not a therapist, just someone who's been in a lot of therapy.
So this is the part where I am a bit too forward sexually, so I am not sure I'd consider the need for a trigger warning but maybe a different type of warning.
**TW - reactive behavior**
There are a lot of responses to childhood sexual abuse. Some embrace promiscuity while others close in. While I would be the latter, 6 years of age is quite early to start masturbating and discover orgasm. All of my fantasies are derived through someone else's pleasure, with me being the one objectified. Even though I've primarily had healthy long-term sexual relationships, these fantasies have stayed with me. I no longer disassociate but am not sure this will ever go away.
And you're right, male libido is quite a force. There was a NYT article on it just this week, given our current consciousness-raising about male privilege, power, and sexual abuse. I believe in Evolution, and the first tenet of evolution is survival of the species, ie, Reproduction. Without reproduction, a species will die off so there are crazy mechanisms in place. Did you know that male dolphins gang rape? Male elephants are pretty aggressive as well. The animal kingdom is rife; female preying mantises eat their male sexual partners after consummation. But it's a spectrum. Any guy who I was in a relationship with, I made sure to tell about my past before we had sex. They all showed sensitivity and made sure my needs were met before theirs. With additional healing and the right male, you can have something that feels safe and meets your needs. Not to be too presumptuous but it sounds like you still have them, and you deserve to have them. If given the choice to cut off my arm or clitoris, I think I'd also choose my arm. I can get a prosthetic arm but can't regrow 8,000 nerve endings that have the capacity to deliver pleasure and release.
This is only my 2nd post so I hope that wasn't too forward. I have worked hard to discard the shame of all those details and presume that's one of the main points of this community.