TW - violence
I just found out a name for what I suspected was as a result of severe childhood abuse and continuing trauma with things that have happened in my adult life: (death, rapes, violence, etc). I recently was arrested (and assaulted) by a local sheriff's deputy for a suspected DUI, (I was out of my car and the "case" is no longer on file, I am sure pending my blood tests....I blew a 0.07 about 2 hours or less after the blood draw). I was accused of assaulting a LE and resisting arrest...but here is the kicker: I do not remember a darn thing after the cop started screaming at me and grabbed me by the arm. The only reason I know I flipped out is because of a phone call my husband made to me as this even began (he stated he could hear the cop screaming at me i the background and that I told him the cop was going to shoot me), and witnesses who said I was screaming rape and help me help me repeatedly and I ran, crawled under the cop's truck and had to be drug out. (I assume I kicked the cop during this fiasco). I woke up perfectly clear headed with 6 cops holding me down, one with his hand on my face....as they were forcing my arm still for the blood test
while in alcohol treatment, (yes, I am a 15 year long daily drinker), my therapist told me I suffered the classic symptoms of PTSD (chronic) and that I probably disassociated from the violence.....I was covered head to toe in bruises and the skin on both ankles was completely rubbed off from the four point restraints I woke up in the hospital with. I ALSO suffer from epilepsy, so I could have also had a seizure....I will NEVER EVER know the truth. I Do know I did not drink enough to "black out" ( I "woke up" with perfect clarity of memory in the hospital with the 4 point restraints, nurses laughing and telling me I deserved what I got and then to the jail blowing a 0.07.....)
This is not the FIRST time I have "blacked out" like this as a result of violence (nor the first time I have freaked out so badly). I think the only reason the sexual assault I suffered in Chicago in 2013 didn't turn into a rape and probably murder was because I freaked out then.....and was found wandering the streets of downtown Chicago by a bus driver who called the police. I also freaked out like this when I was in basic training in the Navy in 1985.....suffice it to say, I was thrown out of the Navy. In THOSE days, (the 80's), I was told I had "Borderline Personality Disorder". I am 51 years old and have this ability to "leave" my body when I am in extreme distress.
TW - suicide
I seem to have written too much and will end this with the statement that you are not alone.......
I know I now have MANY years of therapy ahead.....not only for my alcoholism, (before the alcohol, I was an anorexic.....), but for this PTSD from years and years of severe abuse and being raised by an alcoholic, schizophrenic mother and violent alcoholic step-father. My brother died (or killed himself, I will never know for sure) in 2008 when he was only 38 years old..........
sigh
I just found out a name for what I suspected was as a result of severe childhood abuse and continuing trauma with things that have happened in my adult life: (death, rapes, violence, etc). I recently was arrested (and assaulted) by a local sheriff's deputy for a suspected DUI, (I was out of my car and the "case" is no longer on file, I am sure pending my blood tests....I blew a 0.07 about 2 hours or less after the blood draw). I was accused of assaulting a LE and resisting arrest...but here is the kicker: I do not remember a darn thing after the cop started screaming at me and grabbed me by the arm. The only reason I know I flipped out is because of a phone call my husband made to me as this even began (he stated he could hear the cop screaming at me i the background and that I told him the cop was going to shoot me), and witnesses who said I was screaming rape and help me help me repeatedly and I ran, crawled under the cop's truck and had to be drug out. (I assume I kicked the cop during this fiasco). I woke up perfectly clear headed with 6 cops holding me down, one with his hand on my face....as they were forcing my arm still for the blood test
while in alcohol treatment, (yes, I am a 15 year long daily drinker), my therapist told me I suffered the classic symptoms of PTSD (chronic) and that I probably disassociated from the violence.....I was covered head to toe in bruises and the skin on both ankles was completely rubbed off from the four point restraints I woke up in the hospital with. I ALSO suffer from epilepsy, so I could have also had a seizure....I will NEVER EVER know the truth. I Do know I did not drink enough to "black out" ( I "woke up" with perfect clarity of memory in the hospital with the 4 point restraints, nurses laughing and telling me I deserved what I got and then to the jail blowing a 0.07.....)
This is not the FIRST time I have "blacked out" like this as a result of violence (nor the first time I have freaked out so badly). I think the only reason the sexual assault I suffered in Chicago in 2013 didn't turn into a rape and probably murder was because I freaked out then.....and was found wandering the streets of downtown Chicago by a bus driver who called the police. I also freaked out like this when I was in basic training in the Navy in 1985.....suffice it to say, I was thrown out of the Navy. In THOSE days, (the 80's), I was told I had "Borderline Personality Disorder". I am 51 years old and have this ability to "leave" my body when I am in extreme distress.
TW - suicide
I seem to have written too much and will end this with the statement that you are not alone.......
I know I now have MANY years of therapy ahead.....not only for my alcoholism, (before the alcohol, I was an anorexic.....), but for this PTSD from years and years of severe abuse and being raised by an alcoholic, schizophrenic mother and violent alcoholic step-father. My brother died (or killed himself, I will never know for sure) in 2008 when he was only 38 years old..........
sigh