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Hey smg   Thanks for the kind reply. Hope your recovery is going well. Take care

Hi I fell the same way on Sunday evenings as I hate the thought of the working week.
I do a manual labour job and I hate it. It makes me feel useless but also that this is what I deserve as I am a bad person.
Since I realised that I have CPTSD and have started to recover theses feelings are starting to disappear slowly.
It has taken me a long time to even realise that I had been abused and it is not because I was a bad child or deserved it.
My fear of sleep derives from a event that happened when I was about 6 or 7.
I used to do what my parents called knocking. This was banging my head violently on my crossed arms to help me get to sleep. I also apparently did this while in a sleep. Anyway one night I must have been doing this when I woke up with a almighty bang.  If you make a fist and punch your other open hand with the fist as hard as you can this will give you an idea of the sound and pain of this. My head stopped abruptly and he started shouting nasty things at me after the punch.
This single event has affected me to this very day nearly 40 years later.
I hate going to sleep and before I drift off I have to have an image of hitting something before I sleep.
This can be hitting a ball with a stick or punch a boxer in a ring.
I also have to sleep on my back as I still feel afraid that someone is going to come up behind me and punch the back of my head.
So sleeping for me is the same as you only maybe a different experience. I hope that you fell some relief from your troubles.

Hi Kizzie 

Thanks for the reply. I have not been on this site for a while as I have had some severe EMs of late.
I am only 6 weeks into this recovery. It is obviously the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. Anyway  a few weeks back I thought I had this thing boxed off nice and neatly but it then kicked me like a mule. My NM is still in my head but I will dislodge her some day soon or not so soon but I will dislodge her. Thank you

Hi there. I'm new here as well. I can understand about wanting to be isolated. I have just spent the day with my family at a theme park. It was the first time in my life that I have felt that I am living in the here and now instead of the past with all its pit of the stomach feelings I have lived with my whole live. I am 46. I am saying this because if you have found this place then you will be better and happy one day. I have always wanted to be on my own all my life and even thought I had autism until I went to therapy and all this stuff came out. Please keep going and life will turn around. Good luck

Hi C  Thanks very much for the reply. I am so glad I have found this place where we can all help each other come to terms with the * we have to deal with. I will press on with educating her and I know that we have turned a corner in our lives together.

Hello, I was wondering if there are any articles that can explain our situation to our other halves?
I am just  coming to terms with all this and my wife is finding it very overwhelming to say the least.
I am slowly changing my whole way of thinking and living and suddenly facing things I always ran away from.
I am telling her I love her and am hugging her and smiling a lot more.
She is confused by this sudden change in me.
I have showed her a few things on the internet but because she was raised with love she doesn't really understand what I have been through.
Does anyone know of an article or something which isn't too jargon laden that would help to clarify our trauma?
thanks in advance

Hi there . I never liked poetry until I started to realise that I have CPTSD and the creative part of my brain was not allowed to grow properly. This is a poem by Charles Bukowski called Bluebird. It has helped mea great deal in coming to terms with what I have been through.
There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
But I'm too tough for him.
I say stay in there, I not going to let anyone to see you.

There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
But I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke on him
And the whores and the bartenders and the grocery store clerks
dont know he is in there.

There's a bluebird in my heart   that wants to get out
I say stay down,
Do you wanna mess me up?
Do you screw up the works?
Do you wanna blow my book sales in Europe?
Ther's is bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
But I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when every one is asleep
I say, I know you're there
so don't be sad then I put him back,
but he is singing a little in there, I haven't let him die just yet
and we sleep together like that
with our secret pact
and its nice enough to make a man weep
But I don't weep
Do you?

Hello to everybody.  I am 46 years old and have just realised that I was a child of a NPD mother.
I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. I thought I was bad inside because that's what I was told.
My wife  made me go to counselling to sort out my anger issues.
I always thought it was my dad who was the bad one in my life. It didn't take long for me to realise that my mother was the malevolent force in my life.
I have been physically abused by both of them since I can remember. I was the classic  scapegoat   child in our house.
I had a paternal grandmother who did not like boys and never ever was kind or smiled at me.
I had a maternal grandfather who sexually abused me but luckily he died when I was 9.
I am very feral in my manners because I was never shown love or compassion by no-one when I was growing up
I am now realising that I was badly abused all my life and was made to blame myself for this.
I have hated myself everyday of my life. I have wanted to be dead since I was a small child.
But
I am very lucky that I have a wife who loves and supports me in this journey.
I am very lucky that I have a good therapist who helps me
I am very lucky that I have found this site where I  can find some peace and support from people who have been throught the same experiences as me.
Thank you