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Hi Little Palm,

I'm new here as well. Your description of being still the 11-year-old child resonates with me. I've been directed to the Inner Child board, and as you say you love to read, perhaps that is one of many good places to start.

Thank you all for the warm welcome and the recommendation towards the Inner Child board.
I will continue reading and also check that out!

One article I've found (by browsing this forum) very helpful but also another type of fill-in-the-blank-y is this one:

http://undividedjournal.com/2012/11/29/the-ultimate-secure-base-healing-insecure-attachment-in-the-nondual-field/

It talks about using nondual awareness together with relational healing to help with attachment problems. I know other humans are very important in the healing process of C-PTSD-- I'm glad to say I have some strong and healthy relationships in my life, though figuring out the steps of healing is kind of touch-and-go. However, I believe as long as relationships are loving and communication + determination is strong progress will be made... and it has so far.

Hello,

I'm 26 and was abused from an early age by my mother's brother, ending when I was almost six when I told (and was believed by) my parents about what was happening.

I've recently become frustrated with internet searches, reading and research about C-PTSD. I was excited to find a few months ago a more accurate and thorough description of C-PTSD than I'd ever encountered -- Pete Walker's various essays on C-PTSD, depression, abandonment issues and the four F's.

However, I found I needed to dive deeper and that the waters are just too shallow.

I'm hoping that if I keep searching, I will eventually find more information.


These past few years have been a culmination of terribleness for me. I had my first psychotic break two years ago, brought on by the first contact with my uncle I've had since my childhood. (He called on the phone.)

He is not a danger to me any more as I am not a child, but I have faced explosion after explosion of time bombs that had been waiting in my mind for years.

After being committed to various government-run mental institutions and attempting suicide a number of times, I felt I had worked through the trauma with a little help from a therapist, research, and family + friend support, and had reached a stable place from which to grow. I understood my fear better, and was not scared all the time, hallucinating or having panic attacks.

Then, about six months ago, I started remembering the abuse I had experienced. Although I had been told about it, I had blocked out much of the memory of my childhood and had gradually been remembering everything but the abuse-- but then it just broke through.

In the following months I began to experience what Dr. Walker refers to as "emotional flashbacks." I would almost literally become that 5-year-old girl who was going through abuse.

While horrible, I've come to see these emotional flashbacks as a way to understand what happened to me and how my psyche reacted.

A lot of the time I feel confused about my personal relationships, sexuality, social awareness, attachment-- anything relating to other human beings. I'm having to disentangle my traumatized reactions and mechanisms from my actual identity, which is fragmented and seems as weak as a newborn kitten.

Recently I feel I've gotten a bit of a handle on my emotions, flashbacks, and memories, but I know there is much more to understand, especially from other people.