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I think I can relate to this, im sorry you're in such a bad way because of it. I'm in the same way, not that that helps, but you're definitely not and never will be alone in what you feel. I was given a no at every turn, basically the only things that I could do as a child were things that I could do on my own. I really took to video games, whole worlds where you feel control over yourself with no ones limitations on you was a freedom I went for in virtual reality since I could achieve it in actual reality. Now though, I feel so wrong, turned up inside that whenever someone likes me, why. I don't get it. I get that same imposter feeling that you do, I think. I was made to believe I was so horrible I can't trust that people like me, for me they must want something because it was banged into that I was a creature. Somehow it feels like it prevents me from dating, being real around others, even though people like me openly I don't believe them, really. You can't really make anyone who hasn't experienced something similar to understand, and there advice is good hearted but ultimately not going to hit home. It's not their fault, you really have to see what we've seen for that third eye to be open to it all so to speak.  That's okay though. I find the best thing is to relay how you feel but not ask for opinions, unless that person has had a similar understanding. I really hope you start to figure things out, I've been on the journey for almost two years now and it's just starting to look like I'm close to real freedom.

I appreciate the responses. I never pleaded, no, I don't know why, id ask why, why you won't talk to me, why you won't listen to what I'm saying. I never thought it was my fault and what's weird is that makes it even harder to come to terms with, I think, because it seems subconsciously my fault but no one around me thinks what I could have done in any form makes sense of it all. I'm reading around I wish there was more activity here, since C-PTSD seems niche in a sense and talking goes a long way. I wish there were in person support groups for this stuff, talking to people in person would be amazing.

I've had a strange childhood, really bad from others view but I'm not sure it was personally. From what I've read though a lot of childhood trauma victims play it all down for various reasons. I was wondering if I could get some insight from people who have had similar childhoods maybe.

When I was a kid I was never spent time with by my parents, one on one. Up until I was nine I just kind of existed it seemed, they were divorced so they were busy building there own lives, which is understandable. So I spent most of my time alone and playing games and watching tv. Things started getting bad when I was nine or so.

I moved to my dads with my step mom from my moms. At first my dad would take me on secret trips and have fun with me. Overtime my step mom became exceedingly angry with this, and it stopped. She would yell at me constantly about menial things, sometimes feign being about to hit me, and start telling me I was lucky for some reason when she didn't. At first I'd tell my dad and he would be really concerned. Over time it seemed more and more annoying to him, and eventually it seemed he thought I was lying. At about ten he started making fun of me, belittling, chiding, I remember being called things like mongoloid, stupid, but he would always say he was just playing.

My first year at school with him I didn't know then but I had really severe anxiety. I'd go to the nurses office everyday, make myself throw up so I would seem sick enough to go home. Eventually my dad told me that unless I had a fever I'd have to just stay and school and be sick otherwise. At this point he seemed to take on the idea I just faked things because I didn't want to do them, not for any other reason.

Around eleven he started taking me to therapy, and medding me up. Anti depressants, ADHD medicine. My memory on a lot of this is hard to access. Not sure why. It was at this time that really the verbal battery began. Anytime I go around him and my step mom he'd be little me, without fail they'd both be laughing at me and if I showed a negative reaction I'd either be chided or told I'm overreacting. I've heard the phrase more times than I can count. They made me watch my brothers and sisters up to five days a week, whether they were home or not and I'd be berated about my quality of work there too. They really would find anything they could.

At fourteen my grades started plummeting. I can't express how much I didn't care about school, partially because it was the only thing that could actually seem to get him and my step mom angry, it was almost like a power I had over them. Stupid, I know. This is when things escalated. It was the first time I had friends, and a girlfriend I was more adult like with. Every aspect of me was picked over and ridiculed. Anytime I brought anyone over they would constantly explain to them how bad I was. It really was hard to have people over because of that.

After my first high school report card I got grounded like never before. When I came home I had to go straight to my room, they took out my books, tv, everything except a radio. That got taken eventually. I could not talk to anyone. I wasn't to leave my room unless called. It was basically solitary confinement, me and my thoughts. That's when my anxiety started to take in new, strange forms. This went on for a year and a half. If I went to my moms every other weekend I wasn't grounded, and when I came back I was berated for not being grounded while there.

To throw this in late everything friend and family member that showed me affection was also ridiculed. He would tell me my mom cheated on him with a bunch of men, called her tree trunk legs, talked about how her genitals reeked, that if she ever said she wanted me it wasn't because she loved me but just because she wanted child support. My best friend was retarded because he was home schooled, my girlfriends were strange to be with me, etc etc.

As I got older they grounded me like before multiple times, would sometimes lecture me for hours at a time, I remember my legs hurting from standing for a while . If I looked wrong during this I was told I was disrespectful. I was told on multiple occasions that what I thought didn't matter, how I felt didn't matter make sense and was irelevant. If I became upset I was told to go ahead and call child services they wouldn't do a thing. If they did it would get my dad fired(he was a social worker) and wasn't worth it for what I was essentially wrong about.

I know I've dragged, there's more, some of it I'm just withholding for sake of length and some is just strangely hazy and uncomfortable to focus on. Does it sound like abuse? How come it doesn't feel like it is? I feel like somehow it was asked for, deserved. If I tell people they're horrified, yet I have no clue why. I don't understand. Does this sound as bad as people make? Appreciation to anyone who read, it means a lot. Thank you.

I've been on lexapro for the past year and a half, I think it's helped immensely with dissociation and depersonalization. I'd attribute it mostly to less anxiety, over time having waaaay less anxiety almost makes your brain re-gear and attach to reality a lot better. I haven't had any side effects in my case except some restless leg and weight gain, but the weight gain is more I like food more now that I'm happier. It's different for everyone possibly of course but my experience has been at least bounds better than going unmediated.