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Thank you!  I was triggered by the nurse who checked me in my first night/morning there.  She was not cut out for a career in mental health...she was rude and invalidating.  When I told her about how my thoughts go round and round, she asked if I had ever just considered letting it go.  UGH.  Thankfully, that was the only time I had her as my nurse.  The rest were amazing. 

Hello!  I am back home.  I spent eight days in the hospital.  The first night and morning were really nerve-wracking, mostly due to the life-altering decision I had just made, and the element of the unexpected.  I am so glad that I went.  At the time I went to the ER to check myself in, there were two patients and only one bed available, and after spending four hours in triage, they gave me the bed. 

In those eight days, they adjusted my meds, there were many opportunities for life skills and coping skills, lots of one-on-one talks and attention from staff, etc.  Even art therapy.  It was a great experience and I am so glad I took the leap.  I was diagnosed with OCD on top of the existing dx of major depression, anxiety and panic disorders. I figured I had OCD because of some of my mental habits.   

Shock therapy was never even mentioned.

The only thing that bothered me was that the psychiatrist for the inpatients told me that I could not possibly have PTSD unless I had been in a war, accident, etc.  He had no concept of chronic abuse causing PTSD.  The nurses on staff told me that I should take him with a grain of salt and that I DID absolutely have PTSD. 

Thanks again, to Kizzie, BeHea1thy and Jdog for the down-to-earth advice.  That kind of calm and matter-of-fact speak is helpful right now.  I appreciate the input on how to approach this with the boys, and I will have a candid conversation with them.  They are aware that I have issues that need attention, that the state I am in is not the real me, and they are fully cognizant of the fact that my mother is an abusive person.  I hope that my actions are setting a positive example for them, one of taking control and caring for myself. 

Getting my things together now and praying myself to (hopefully) sleep.  I will check back in when I come home.  Thank you again.

Thank you so much.  So much in that quote.  A timely reminder!  Yeah, it's time.  I don't have the luxury of trying to get through this myself anymore-and it's either live or die.  So in the morning I roll.

What do you think about how much to share with the kids?  They are 14 and 17.  They will know I'm gone, but I do not want them to worry about me.  And they will.

I wonder if there is something inherently nearly freaking impossible about treating trauma survivors.  I always feel like a handful too; like there is just too much to sort out, and where do we even start. 

I had a therapist who started me right out with EMDR.  It was completely overwhelming for me and brought me to a place that was worse than a panic attack that took me days to recover from.  Subsequent appointments with this therapist were not fruitful because she was urging me to do more EMDR, and I was not willing to go there.  I tried it maybe twice after that, but subconsciously threw out a roadblock because my instinct is/was to close my eyes and keep them closed.  She didn't want to go another direction and I ended up running for the hills. So I don't know if that is a little bit of fear mixed with self-sabotage or what.  But it was a huge obstacle. 

Oh!  And thanks for the song lyrics to ponder.

Thank you both for your responses.  Last night I spoke with my husband about all of this, and he is very supportive but I think he's about to get an education, because even though we've been together for over 20 years, he doesn't really know what depression is.  We have decided to wait to break the news to our boys until they get home from school and activities tomorrow when I will already be checked in.  One of them has a big final, the other his final track meet...just seems like the right thing. 

There will be a fallout that I will have to return to and somehow clean up...hopefully they teach me some life management skills.  I used to have it pretty together, but it's fallen apart in the last 7 years and it has now reached this point, like going to clean up after an earthquake with a vacuum cleaner.  That's what happens when you run on 100% survival mode for way too long, I suppose. 

Today I am getting my things ready and tying up loose ends, and tomorrow morning I will go and check in. 


Thank you again for your responses.  It is nice knowing that there are people out there who understand. 

Hello.  I just joined the forum recently and haven't really posted much.  Does anyone have experience with inpatient treatment they might be willing to share?  I am going to check myself in this week.  I am at the breaking point, totally checked out mentally, running on auto pilot to function at minimum levels. One of my health care providers helped me make the decision today that's it's time to check in.  It's just very scary as an adult. I have a business and a family that needs me very much.  Twice when I was a teenager I was inpatient, both times for six weeks.  I have been there, it's been 25 years though.  Things are surely different.

Thanks for reading.

Does self-regulation have anything to do with controlling one's thoughts?  Shutting down the racing thoughts, etc.?

A couple of other things.  I am HSP/empath and struggle badly with toxic shame.  This has developed into panic disorder, going on about six years now.  Have always felt very awkward socially, but now am downright phobic.  This is not easy on my marriage or friendships obviously. 

Hello, all.  I am on my healing journey and felt a strong need to find some people who legitimately understand C-PTSD.  So glad I found this site!

I have a husband who loves me and two amazing, polar-opposite, teenage boys.  My husband is rather emotionally unavailable, which I suppose is what my subconscience chose so that I would not have to be so vulnerable.  He has no idea what to do with me as I work to heal.  He doesn't even know the depths of the journey I am on; only that I am halfway checked out of life right now.  There is no open and honest discussion happening.  My three main goals are to begin meaningful healing for myself, building an authentic life that feeds my soul, to parent my children without instilling my intense fear of the world in them, and to preserve my marriage and build a healthier future for us as a couple based on authenticity and growth as a couple as well as individually.

I am a 40-year-old woman who grew up in what most looking in probably thought was an ideal family home.  This could not be farther from the truth.  My mother is the toxic narcissist, I am the SG, my younger sister the GC, and my father ...  I suppose he was mother's enabler?  I do not have that piece figured out yet.  The emotional abuse began when I was a toddler.  I want to say that just as I began to develop my own independent personality is when she started hating me.  My mother was the SG of her own narcissistic, alcoholic mother, and she learned from the very best. 

Growing up, my sister and I were sort of close, but we had our moments.  We have been best friends our entire adult lives and have been able to prevent any damage to our relationship by our mother who tries to triangulate all the relationships in the family that include me.

Dad passed away in 2008 in his mid-fifties from cancer.  He was my superhero.  Grief has done a terrible number on me, being left with this horrible woman. I know he had his own set of issues dealing with her.  He mostly did what he had to do to keep the peace and to appease her, but there were two times after sis and I were into our adult lives that he left her.  When they were apart, he said that he had never felt so free or alive, but both times she guilted and manipulated him back home.  I believe in my heart that he gave up on living the way he wanted and deserved to live, and that what she did to him was the stress that caused his cancer.  Mom had him snowed when it came to me, how I supposedly treated her when he was not around, etc.  Villified me.  In his heart he knew better, and * hath no fury like that woman, so to protect himself from her wrath, he played the part. Kept quiet.  Comforted my sister who witnessed all of the horrible things she did to me when dad was at work.  I do not harbor much anger toward him for handling it the wrong way.  I don't think he knew what else to do, and I think he did what he thought would do the least damage all around. 

I am low contact with my mother. I've been calling her on her abuse and lies forever.  Still do when necessary.  The fact that I have her number means, of course, that there is a raging smear campaign going on.  So be it.  She still tries to manipulate me so that she can hurt me.  She is also abusive to my younger son (14) and has been for many years.  He is a whistle blower like his momma.  

My health is bad.  The theory that the body keeps the score?  100% believe it.  I wonder if that is a theory that is widely accepted in the medical community.  The medical treatments that I need are very expensive and have bankrupted us.  Does anyone here know, would a psychiatrist say that it is wise to FIRST take care of the emotional trauma piece BEFORE attending to the physical?  Maybe the emotional healing will lead to a lessening of physical symptoms?  My spine is degenerative and very painful in my neck and very low back/tailbone, also I have fibromyalgia and auto immune type arthritis.  I am finding that the deeper I dig into the emotional trauma and work to heal, the worse my physical symptoms are getting.  Just not sure which way to go first.  Also, I read a comment in one of the threads here stating some advice to not do too much at one time in the healing journey.  Glad I found that, because that is just what I am doing.  So done with not being a participant in life, done with the self loathing and fear and panic and it is time to get in touch with myself so that I can forge a better connection with my husband.