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I've been keeping up with everyone here, despite being very quiet myself. I am always thankful to come here, and feel at home.

This year has been entirely taken up by protracted withdrawal from prozac and quetiapine. I have quit antidepressants in the past, but wasn't in any way prepared for what lay ahead. Fortunately, things are looking up a bit at the moment.

I have found support on the surviving antidepressants website, and noted the references to cptsd, and to this site, specifically.

The withdrawal process has definitely been my next stage of healing. I have done it almost without support, so I have had to rely on me, and my own strength. I'm not out of the woods, but I believe that I have made good progress, both on quitting the medication, and on healing my cptsd.

I am going to use this next phase to continue moving forward.

Thank you, everyone.

I've done a bit more thinking and digging, and I think that the child abuse victim entry has been added very recently. Possibly as a result of a company requesting a medical report, with my permission.

I'm still not sure if this has been plucked from consultations with GP over the years, or based on something noted years ago. The former seems more likely, so, other than the shock of seeing it in black and white, I don't think it is a big deal.

My mother was my abuser, both physically, emotionally and, in some ways, sexually. She would never have allowed me to talk to anyone, doctor included.

Actually, this is an example of my coping with something unexpected, in a calm way.

I might just enquire a bit further. CPTSD seems to push us to always dig further.

Thank you for listening and responding.

Narckiddo, I would be interested to hear how far back the records on your app go!

Hi storyworld.

What an interesting line of thought.

Like you, I had a very elaborate world, which I escaped to so much of the time. It was definitely to escape the pain of my existence.

And I have been thinking around neurodivergence for many years. In my case, ASD. This has become more pertinent since sharing a home with my asd diagnosed son. We are very alike.

However, what your post has made me realise is that my neurodivergence is more likely cptsd. My ds has never read a novel, let alone written a story and would never create an alternative world.

I am aware that I come across as autistic, but that's the overlap in symptoms, I suppose.

Another little bit of the puzzle put in place!

Hello everyone.

It's strange how things happen.

I really felt it was time for me to come back here, but I wasn't entirely sure why.

The big change for me is that I am going through withdrawal from years of antidepressant treatment.
It's bringing up an awful lot,of things, but I think I am doing quite well.

As a result of this process, I looked at my NHS records, which are available through an app. I wanted to see when exactly I started medication. I found out it was in 2002, but for some reason, I carried on scrolling. The last entry was dated 1978, and just said "Victim of child abuse".

Since the death of my husband in 2019, I have gradually built a connection with my parents. Much of this has been down to my acceptance that, firstly, I was a very difficult child, and secondly that my husband was a very difficult man. Both true.

But, I presume, as long ago as 1978, the family GP, in a completely different practice, stated that I was the victim of child abuse. I was 12 years old, and would never have been to the GP without my parents. What was this based on, I wonder.

Does anyone have any ideas what, if anything, I can do with this information? I wonder if I could find out any more details.

I'm actually quite mind blown, but don't really know if I should be. After all, I always knew that I was abused.

If anyone has any observations, really would like to hear them.

Best wishes to everybody on this long, hard journey.

Hi Shankara.

Welcome back. I, too,  have returned after a while away.
It sounds like we both need somewhere to connect but feel safe.

Hoping to hear more from you.

Libby.

Hello, again, Hope.

I seem to remember that we often talked about the British weather. Things don't change in that respect,  do they? Just rain,rain and more rain. And there is no getting away from how the weather affects our mood.

I still have my lovely dog, but she's quite old and doesn't like the rain. But we have found a lovely young woman, with a dog, who we walk with most days. I think we have actually developed a nice, supportive, undemanding friendship.

I just wanted to say hello. I hope that's ok.

Thankyou, everyone. It's so nice to be remembered!

Hello everyone. It's so nice to see lots of new names, and many I remember from when I was here a while back.

I never intended to stay away so long, but got sort of side tracked. Now, I feel that I am on to the next, challenging stage of my recovery.  It really is a process that just goes on and on.

Over the last few weeks, I have been catching up with everything here, and I'm looking forward to getting involved again.

Thank you for having me back.

Libby

Thank you for your update. As ever, your metaphor is spot on.

I think I am in a similar place in my life, and your list of lessons learned are the very things I am getting to grips with now.

All the best to you.

Libby.

Hi Larry.

So nice "to meet you" for the first time.

It is very stormy here in the UK, so my dog and I haven't been able to get out for our usual walk. She is a princess, and doesn't like the rain!

By the way, my dog is a mixed terrier rescue dog. She is such a character!

But it has given me the chance to read this caring thread.

I am sorry to read what you have been through with your father, and your daily struggles, as a result of your lack of closure. I do understand, even though my parents are still alive.

I know it sounds trite, but it does get better. If you can get out every day, with your dogs, then that is a win, a victory, whatever you like to call it. Then your dogs love you, for what you have given them, so think positively of yourself for that. Genuinely, this was my first step in healing from childhood abuse, and a dysfunctional marriage.

Keep on coming here for support and encouragement. We are all here for you.

As ever, jamesG, you have come up with such a pertinent way to describe what we are doing on our journey of recovery. I could really relate to your phone metaphor.

You seem to be describing the sort of place I am in at the moment. I am definitely in a new phase, out of the extremely dysfunctional marriage to my late husband. I know I will never have to go back, but I am still getting used to this new life, but, as you say, it is better.

So, life is better, but then comes the split with adult D. It was ultimately her decision, as a result of the trauma around her father's death, but it has hilighted to me, just how much abuse, pain and condescension she was causing me. I was trying to heal the rifts, to no avail. So now I am learning to live without her. I am not there yet, but I have dealt with so much, I will cope with this. I am holding on to your line that recovery is inevitable.

Thank you again for all of the understanding and hope in your post.

Hi Armee.

I just wanted to drop by and wish you well with your EMDR treatment. It is a really difficult process, and at the time, I wasn't sure that it had helped very much. But looking back, I feel sure that it is a very powerful treatment. I truly believe that it dealt with my childhood trauma, leaving me able to get through the situation with my husband.

I really like the way that you talk of not having anyone toxic in your life at the moment. That sounds like a recipe for success in the future. I think once we get to that stage, it is a real milestone in our recoveries.

Rainy Diary.

I am just so very sorry to read about all you have been through at your work place. Your decision to leave sounds like it is absolutely the right thing to do.

I have worked in similar places, although health care rather than education. The culture was very similar, especially the toxic positivity.

My son is still dealing with the fallout of his five years in a toxic hospitality job. But he has a great job now, and I cannot believe how he has blossomed. I have found that my very low level cleaning jobs are perfect for me at this point in my life.

I think that we expect to much of ourselves, and this makes others so demanding of us.

I am hoping, and very hopeful that you will find peace and joy in the next chapter of your life.

I can't believe that it's so long since I've been here. A big part of the reason is that I injured my back /shoulder, doing some gardening. I don't think I really overdid it, but my body has a way of severely over reacting, so I was in terrible pain for several weeks.

Strangely enough, it was a very theraputic time. I had no option but to care for myself, to rest, and to deal with the emotions around my husband, and daughter.

And much to my surprise, I have come out of the other side in a vastly improved state of mind.

For the first time in my whole fifty plus years I am not ashamed of myself, I trust my decisions, I am in control of my emotions, which I am getting so much better at recognising, I am not depressed, just sad at all of the pain and suffering all around.

I am so much more present, and so am enjoying really simple things, like cooking myself something nice, and serving it on my favourite plate! I am doing some socializing, but don't need to be with people. It's very freeing.

With regards to my husband, I just feel very sad. I think he was a very damaged person, a lot like me. His family were difficult. Different to mine, but still damaged. He could never accept that he was damaged, or admit to any mistake or insecurity, never said sorry, and it suited him to focus on me as the damaged person. Does this describe a co dependent relationship? Very possibly.

I was always aware of a very strong undercurrent of anger in him, which he denied, both to me and himself. My NM was just the same, so I was constantly triggered. After his death, his brother said in the course of conversation, that he was a very angry child and teenager, especially towards their parents. I found that very validating. It made so much sense, and reassured me that our problems weren't entirely my fault, despite his assertions that everything was down to my damaged personality. I have huge compassion for him, but his death was not my fault and I did everything I could for him when he was ill.

Now for the difficult issue of my adult children. Even this has become easier. I have always known how difficult life has been for them. Not just because of the intergenerational trauma, but because of their own issues, like prematurity, low birth weight, birth trauma, brain damage, autism. I did my best, in very difficult circumstances and all three of them have quite good lives, each with jobs, nice places to live and things they enjoyed. They also have financial security. The rest is up to them now.

Whether down to his brain tumour, or his difficult personality, the one thing I am angry about is the rift my husband brought about between my twin sons. They were close and supported each other. The one who suddenly became dad's favourite, right at the end, won't have anything to do with his brother, who had been dad's favourite. Such a shame. Daughter was his golden child, and I think that her difficulties lie here, but that is for her to work through.

As regards my FOO, I think I have reached some peace here too. I will continue to chat with my F when he phones. I think he is starting to understand what has happened. That's a positive. My NM will never accept anything, but I know that she is also the victim of intergenerational trauma, so I feel compassion, and almost forgiveness.

I tested the waters with my GC sister. I wondered if now that I was in such a better place, I could have a connection with her. I have come to the conclusion that this will never happen. And I am fine with that. I tried, and have realised that there is nothing there.

When I did EMDR, I discussed how, in my dreams I was never sure if I was dreaming of my daughter or my sister. Both are GC, I suppose, so it sort of all makes sense to me.

It is acceptance, isn't it? I am what I am, because of what has happened to me. The same applies to my late H, my children and my FOO.

I am sure that I will still have down days, but I believe I can get through them now. My husbands death has given me the opportunity to heal. At first I felt guilty for this, and my children increased this guilt, but his early death was his destiny. He actually had a strong belief that he would never reach retirement. I have grown, and hope that my daughter can too.

Sorry this is so long. I wanted to record everything, and this seemed to be the place to do it, because this site, and all of the amazing people here have played such an important part in my improvements.

I look forward to coming here and seeing how everyone is doing. Maybe even helping a little.

What lovely, supportive messages. Thank you Rainy, Beekeeper and Armee. I even managed to stand my few birthday cards where I can see them, rather than hiding them in a drawer, which I usually do. Think that's progress!

The more I heal, the more I realise that the very core of my damage revolved around my absolute lack of a sense of self. Without a sense of self, how could I ever accept myself, care for myself, trust myself.

I have become even more convinced that this lack of a sense of self is due to the fact that I had absolutely no bond with my mother from day one.  She freely admitted that she felt nothing but dislike and disgust for me from the day I was born. She doesn't see that this can have any effect on me whatsoever, because I had food and clothes and gifts. My jealousy of my sister, just a year younger than me, is a complete mystery to her, despite her always telling me what a lovely baby my sister was, compared to me.

Admittedly, I was a difficult child, but I know now that I was just trying to survive.


I do wonder if I could ever explain this to my FOO? Probably not.

But what I would like to explain to my daughter is that, unlike my NM, I only ever wanted happiness, success and a good life for her. Unlike my mother, who wanted me to suffer, to take away her suffering.

This seems to underlie her insistence and desparation for me to have children. Whereas my daughter and I discussed, very openly on several occasions, the implications of her having children. I never said that she she should or should not have children, just that it was a very big decision and one that should not be entered into lightly. And that's without all of the issues with husband and his family.

Here I am again with intergenerational trauma! So wish that people other than the lovely people here would listen.

We live in hope!