Messages

I am angry for being born.

I will believe that it is a nature trait rather than of the trauma that has happened to me. I will agree to a lot of what is said in the above post that the trauma has heightened this trait in myself, I had to learn from examples of shenanigans, lies, and deceit much like a cop who is pressing for information from a suspect. They are looking for the little blips and chips of the person that they are talking to, and this part of it is learned rather than natural. I was wishing that I did not have this sensitivity but I realize that it is a tool for me to beware, just wish I could tone it down at times. I am sure there are people out there that have this trait and that they did not experience complex trauma and live dynamic lives, I have often wondered how some make it big in this world and most do not. Do they use this gift to exploit the situation? If I came from the same gene pool as my siblings why do not they have it too? Or do they? They are more of a extrovert and I am an introvert and I know this is a born with trait, just like my A-type personality, brown hair and blue-green eye color. I do not hide behind as a excuse to be healed, and never thought of it that way, because I am what I am, but I am more fragile and fearful than someone without the complex trauma.

You are a bigger and better person than I am, if people treat me like that I brush them off. I have been told that is wrong too, I run into a lot of people who have a issue with me and I do not know why, after much thought I believe it is about the power and control they want over me. Sounds like a Twilight Zone episode that re-runs over and over in my live, I believe that if they can convince me that I did something wrong to offend them that I will put my tail between my legs and try to make up to them and say I am sorry for something I did not do. I do not want others to have the power and influence over me and I do not want them to think that either, my belief is that if they and can get an inch they want a mile, and so forth.

I am an old solider of this life and world, I had no to little goals, I did not want to do anything but in the same token I had to and forced myself to. When I worked for the "man" I felt oppressed, when I started my own business I felt liberated. When I had no education/skills I taught myself if I wanted to know something, today I am a sponge of knowledge and have many skills to my credit. I had nothing to seek out to start, but in my forced attitude I have gained my life by keeping busy, and wanting something better.

My fear when I was younger was to be alone and tried to hard to fill that gap just to be let down and hurt, I gave it my all and failed. I have been told that people in my life were concerned for me but I believe that they were not, they were going through the motions of words with no actions to back it up. I have been called many things by people and it made me feel like I am nothing without their guidance, well guess what, I am everything without that kind of advice. I have been to counselors and I got the feeling that they wanted a quick fix to get me to be a part of the herd (society). I see that the herd is not always going well for itself, its a lot of drama and hype for what it values and I do not get it, over the years I gave a value of what is important to me and do not want to be moved from that stance. I still want that so called connection to some degree but I do not want to be controlled and trained if I do not believe it what they are doing. I have been in a journey for a peace and it continues everyday, even when I am not going to be what someone wants from me.

Feels like a sea of humanity and still there is no one there that sums it up for me too. I have spent most holidays alone made many dinners for myself and spent most birthdays alone as well. I have been in this world for many years and been dealing with life a lot like you have been avoiding and ducking my head. I have had relationships but they were not there and into themselves more. I would rather be on an deserted island at least I know where I stand, but here I am in a world full of others and I felt like it didn't matter anyway. You have to find your niche and run with it find something that works for you I did, I started my own business and I work for me, keeps me busy and out of my pity for myself, nothing comes easy no matter what walk of life you choose.

Hardest issue in my life is relationships with others, if I have acquaintances that's no worry, they do not know me and so they do not now how to push my buttons. Now friends and family are a different I get the overwhelming feeling that they are simply trying to manipulate me to get something from me and the longer they are around the more they want. I can trace this feeling back to a time when I had very little in my life and set out to earn my way, working hard minding my own business saving for my future and pursuing my happiness (so called). Back then I was forced to man up to get going and so I did, and after a period of time the roaches (friends and family) came out of the woodwork and put pressure on me to give my time energy and money. I thought it was just a feeling that would pass, but it grew much larger than I could imagine and feel like a target for the wolves ( friends and family). I know it has a lot to do with the hyper-sensitivity that I tune into maybe too much, but I believe that I do not want others around me just because they want something, the gift not the giver. 

I read somewhere that this is very common in survivors. The article sees it as an aspect of hypervigilance. When we were little, we were in so much danger, that we developed our senses to a very high level.

We could then predict events from how the front door was closed, a tone of voice, certain atmospheres in the house, etc etc.

What interested me was that we survivors use every conceivable skill available.

We even attuned ourselves to more extrasensory predictions, eg. sixth sense.
Yes this was a scientific paper!

...and yes, I do believe that I have some abilities in this area. There, I said it! Bit embarrassed about sharing that.

I do have this sixth sense gift or is it a curse? I can feel the moods of others and even the intent of someone without them saying a word I can predict certain things are about to happen, I do myself a favor if I keep tune to it rather to shut it off I didn't want to over assume but I realize that this sense is a tool to help me.

The God-factor: Been down that road too, got to a point I felt it was a stressed belief got reassured when the Branch Davidians' did their little revolt in Waco and set the place on fire. I thought am I in a cult? Had to step back and look at me again. I was exposed to religion off and on throughout my early life, and thought that I was going to burn in * if I did not do the right thing, so guilt and shame was in great abundance. It felt like I could never live up the that so called goodness that others had or at least they made me think they have. Seen a lot of double standards, shallowness, twisted points of view and a sense of their righteous conviction of my life and what I was supposed to be. I had one person say to me that I had the gift of giving and they had the gift of receiving, how convenient that I am that persons new go to guy for what he needs or wants. If someone needs a favor just ask, but learn to accept if I say no. Many of other things happened to support my feelings of doubt and so I slipped away and have not been back since, I did take with me some of the values that I thought were of helpful to my life and still use them today. If someone seeks out, they may find that there is something that they can use to improve their life and I do not want to be a nay sayer because of my situation, questions are good even if we do not like the answer we get.

Same issues here with my father, he is still alive and will pass soon, older brother has been a aggressive little __________ to say were are a family. I chose to walk away from my father over 20 years ago and not to go too far out of my way for him since and he could not put the pieces together of why I did that, I thought it was very clear. My brother was there to fill the slot to have him think he is the greatest son in the world and tries to bully me into doing the same, I will not. My father was rarely ever there for me growing up and most of that time was drunk and violent. My siblings live in denial too and we all have different ways of dealing with our lives, I wanted to try to have a  relationship years ago and  to have decent and civil adult behavior between us,  but too many differences that made it not to be.

I think the pathology in our lives is not in us, it's in all the chronic experiences that caused out pain. Our reactions are totally normal in the abnormal circumstances we had to endure.

I like this quote, I believe this to be a truth, for me my so called symptom's are me it is all I know and it is normal for what I see, and I will defend this to the best of any professionals who try to get me to believe something else. I just wish at times I knew something else other than my normal.

My CPTSD started in the crib, coming from a environment that was very hostile, abusive, neglectful and being regarded as not important. I have had a long and confusing struggle in life with this affliction and always wondered why? I was told by a counselor 5 years ago that I had PTSD but I thought that was not quite the right assessment of my situation. Watching a TV program last week the word complex PTSD came out and so I googled it and this fits me to a T. So now that I am in my early 50's and after reading many posts that you all have made I do not think I am the only one who feels different from the rest of the world. I have been labeled a many of negative things throughout my life from others and I always thought that if they only knew, would they understand? Well they do not and do not want to hear about it either, so hear I am to offer myself to conversation to learn and  maybe others can learn from me.