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Boatsetsailrose, I have this problem too.

At this point my husband is my only close friend. If you count relatives, then my two siblings as well, but as I continue healing, and they don't, the relationship is less close.

I struggle with trusting anyone, so I most likely give off big "go away" signals.

Something I've wondered about. People with cluster b PDs often lure their victims with charm. The beginning of the relationship is all about making the victim feel needed and wanted, pouring out good feelings on the victim. Having experienced this charm from people with cluster b PDs, I wonder how much that affects how I view more normal relationships. Do I subconsciously expect a friendship to be like that? I know it is not healthy or sustainable, but honestly? normal relationships are so calm in comparison that it is hard to tell if the person likes me.

This is an analogy. I was raised under huge bright floodlights. Now those are turned off, and everything in comparison is dark. And as a result of how I was raised my vision is impaired. So everyone around me can see fine, and can't fathom what my problem is. I've tried to navigate the world, but kept hurting myself by running into things, stepping on things, falling off things, ect. Now I pretty much stand still, or move very very slowly. If you translate light levels to emotional interaction levels in this analogy this is what my world feels like.

Sorry Boatsetsailrose, this doesn't answer how to fix the problem. I wish I knew.

I relate to this as well Quietone. I have social anxiety and have been told in the past that I come off as a snob. Don't know if that is still the case, but the comments have stuck with me. I don't feel like I "fit" anywhere. My mother also told me I was unlikable.

I'm so sorry your mom said and did such awful things to you. She is wrong.

On my good days I think of it this way. Some people have physical disabilities that make it difficult for them to perform certain tasks. Maybe they were born that way, maybe they got injured. They have to work extra hard to find ways to compensate. I would never view someone as less than because of this. I have a mental disability that makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I probably wasn't born this way, but was definitely injured by my ubpd/npd/aspd mother. I have to work extra hard to find ways to compensate. It sucks, but it doesn't make me less of a person.

This is one of the things I have done to compensate.
Several years ago I picked a group to attend who I shared an interest with. I used the logic part of my brain to watch them, and made sure their actions were kind. Then I attended even though I always felt weird and unsure. Sitting in the meetings would sometimes be torture, as I felt like everyone was judging me. I continued using the logic part of my brain to look at their words and actions objectively to see if I was being treated as less than or weird. It is my way of gathering evidence that i am ok, that others do not hate me just because. Their actions were consistently kind and inclusive. I am now finally having moments when I don't feel totally out of place. I never told the group how I felt, I just did my best to fake it. The evidence I am gathering shows that people are not nearly as harsh, and mean spirited as my mother said they were.

Thank you for the warm welcome.
Bee

I'm going to try participating a bit again.
I've been on and off lurking since I posted last over a year ago,
I get so much from reading posts, thank you all.
bee

Want to chime in here, because my experience is different.

For the longest time I thought I was meditating wrong. Whenever I tried I would end up going to a very dark place. Very unpleasant. I finally figured out that how I was meditating was triggering an EF.

The reason. When my abusive mom raged at me I was expected to keep still and not react. So when I kept still while meditating, the physical stillness set off an EF.

Now when I want to meditate I make sure that it is while I am moving in some way.

I too have memory gaps. Since I have recent gaps as well as old ones I can see a pattern. The more stressed/anxious I am the less I remember. I find it disturbing to not be able to remember. It sort of feels like I'm not really here, which I guess is kinda true. I make jokes about having a swiss cheese memory, to cover up that I feel broken. I have forgotten entire family vacations(even that I have been to certain places).

Years ago I tried making a timeline as Kizzie suggested. It was even harder than I thought it would be, and I didn't like seeing evidence of how much I don't remember. When I don't try to pin down memories I can pretend that I remember more than I do.

It's hard to know what is normal though. How much does someone remember who doesn't have cPTSD?

I think the medical profession has a long way to go in order to adhere to their oath of 'first do no harm'. I had a traumatic medical experience when I was three, that I think contributed to my Cptsd. I think such things are way too common, and too often overlooked. I'm sorry that you experienced this.

I understand about feeling like there is an electrical charge when around people.

This is a perfectly normal response to being traumatized. According to Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges) trauma can change the way we operate. We switch to either fight/flight or freeze response. This switch happens with small stressors, and people then switch back(self-regulation). But, sometimes self-regulation was not learned as an infant, or there is too much accumulated trauma and we need extra help to get back to normal. In either flight/fight or freeze states we are no longer able to accurately read social cues. The social interaction parts of our brain are shut down in favor of parts that scan for threat detection. This makes social situation stressful.

Recent poking around on the internet has led me to abdominal breathing. There are several recent studies that show abdominal breathing stimulates the vagus nerve. This is because the vagus nerve passes through the diaphragm. Stimulating the vagus nerve can increase vagal tone, which reduces anxiety, inflammation and pain. In other words it is a way to calm anxiety(self-regulate).

I gave a super short explanation here,  but if you're interested look up Stephen Porges Polyvagal theory.
Then look up abdominal breathing and the vagus nerve.
Then you can see if it's worth trying for you.

The study results seem to indicate that the breathing alone can have results, meditation is a bonus, but not required. This is important to me, because making myself sit still (as most meditation requires) is a trigger for me.

If you think about breathing it ties to lots of things that are said to help - yoga, meditation, exercise...

Spryte,
I do this too. Negative emotions in others can send me into an EF. I even had a tendency to try to manage my H in order to prevent him from having any negative emotions. I realize now that everyone is entitled to feel angry/sad/ anxious whatever. I still react to negative emotions. It is my Inner Child sounding a red alert. In her experience negative emotion were always directed at her. I need to prove to her, that bad things will not happen.

Now when I realize I am getting upset, because I sense a negative emotion, I ask for clarification. Even if I know that H is not angry at me; I'm not sure he has ever been angry with me; I ask him calmly, "Are you angry at me." He says no, I am angry that x is not working." This verbal proof helps to calm me down. H and I have discussed why I need to ask this, and he understands it has nothing to do with him. Maybe you can figure out what proof you need to help you calm your IC. It sounds like boyfriend would be willing to work with you on providing verbal proof that you are safe.

It's good that you realized that it is not your job to make fix it. Probably you had to calm the PD's in your life, and so you were taught that this was your job. It's not. You can help if you want, but it should not be a requirement. It doesn't sound like it is, just a reminder of what you probably already know.

I know what you are saying. I've felt cut off from my feeling too. Have you heard of the Polyvagal theory (Stephen Porges), and how to use this theory to heal trauma (the work of Peter Levine)?

It's basically a theory that says our bodies are hardwired to react to trauma in a certain way. Social interaction parts of our brain and bodies get shut down to leave more room for threat awareness. Good because we are more likely to survive. Bad because we need the social interaction to help us calm down. For some (cPTSD) the social interaction parts needs help getting restarted.

I probably butchered that synopsis. Reading Peter Levine helped give me hope that I can overcome my lack of feeling.

Another note. I spent too much time in my childhood frozen in fear. This results in me freaking out every time I successfully meditated. It was successful because I accessed my feelings. It's just that forced sitting still brings on feelings of terror. Now I only try meditating while I am moving. Just wanted to caution that even standard meditation might need to be modified for those with cPTSD.

I made a point of telling my T when I started with her that I would not take any. I fear losing control of me. I feel there is so little of me left, that I have to gaurd it fiercely. She has asked a few times if I have changed my mind about it, but never in a forceful way.

Recently I had my genome mapped and found that if I would have taken an SSRI it most likely would have really messed me up. Something about how my neurotransmitters don't clear things through as fast as they should.

I know many people who say meds have helped them.

[Might even think god hates you, that you are the butt of some evil practical joke by a sadistic higher being.]

I read on a site whose link I got here the differences between the two. The biggest thing is that with CPTSD, your belief in life itself is shaken to the core. Being so abused and betrayed, it is easy to see how a person might question god's prevalence, or even existence itself. Might even think god hates you, that you are the butt of some evil practical joke by a sadistic higher being. You ego has been shattered.

Also, there is an added paranoid sense with the CPTSDs over the BPDs. CTPSD has a fear of everything trying to hurt them. Like they have lost everything. Been abandoned by god, the family, maybe the political state. Pure BPDS,  fear abandonment by other people, not necessarily abandoned by god. CPTSD has been abandoned, like biblical Job, by everything, including god.

I've never read this before. I totally relate. Life is a thing to be survived, but not really looking forward to death either because, if there is a god we are going to have words. I used to believe, until I got away and was able to see what she had done to me. I want nothing to do with any higher power that lets that kind of thing go on. I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone/thing. I am on my own, and it would be a mistake to ever rely on someone/thing to have my back.

It is helpful to know that this reaction might be related to CPTSD. It means at some point I might be able to see things differently.

I hate my birthday.

It is on a major holiday. My M told me; when I was young and worried that no one would come to my party; that of course they would, their parents would jump at the chance of getting rid of their children with free child care, so the parents could go out and celebrate. Gee M that helped...not. Now I don't feel like the day is mine, I do not matter compared to a holiday.

I also don't like being the center of attention. I feel like I'm weird for not wanting a party, and weird for not being able to have one if I did, because I don't have friends. So yeah, depressing.

I'm sorry you feel this way though.

Here's the situation.
I cut off contact with my parents. My M has some combination of BPD, npd, and sociopathic traits. My F puts her needs above his children's. My siblings still maintain contact, but keep me out of it.

Years passed and I made progress, mentally and physically.

A family crisis came up a couple years ago and I agreed to be in the same house as my M. I had been NC about five years. I thought I would be ok. I was scared yes, but I thought once I actually saw her I would find that things had changed. I didn't think she had changed, I thought I had changed. I thought that since I was an adult now, I would no longer be terrified, that if I saw her I would see that she had no power over me.

When I first saw her there was a greeting equivalent to how you would greet someone after a few days. M had been warned to be on her best behavior by my brother. My siblings both assured me that they would not tolerate any poor behavior from her. I saw her think about starting to cry, then decide against it. I know that sounds weird, but I learned early to read her every facial tick. I held it together about 24 hours. I ate lunch at the same table as her, watched a movie in the same room as her. Thinking the whole time how surreal it was. Wondering why I was the only one who could see how f***ed the situation was. Me sitting at the same table as my abuser. She hardly interacted with me. A good thing, sort of. My father tried hovering, really set my teeth on edge. I thought at least he would care how I was doing, but he was only interested in gathering info for M.

Then I broke. I went to the room I was staying in, went in the closet and sobbed. I was so overwhelmed. Since I had heard that I would be in her presence I had been on high alert. Like on red alert, when you've opened the cover over the red button and your hand is hovering over the button ready to push it. Just her presence made me feel that way. I cried for hours, trying to talk myself out of the closet. I called some people and they were very kind and helpful. I never do this, but i knew it was beyond what I could handle. I finally calmed down after I made the decision to not see M again. I stayed in the room until she was gone.

I feel like a failure. My T assures me that this was a healthy response. It feels weak. My M has taken another 2,3,4? years of my life, as this has set me way back in my recovery. I hate that. I hate that I consented to this. I can logically see that this kind of response is expected when the abuse is physical. My M's primary abuse was verbal and psychological. I have no frame of reference to how people respond when they had this kind of abuse.

Can anyone else relate to reacting so strongly when in the presence of their abuser?

Most of my life I've viewed the future as "I have x number of years to get through." Is this what you mean? I used to think everyone viewed life this way. I brought it up casually in conversations once and was surprised that it was such a foreign concept that people thought I was joking.

I believe that others think in terms of "I only have x number of years to do all the things I want." Or something like that.

I have had glimpses of the second way of thinking, but the majority of my life I would describe as plodding.

I have to say when I have felt, as you say, a will to live, it was such a contrast to my normal way of being that it was a bit unsettling. It felt untenable, maybe that feeling goes away after awhile.