Messages

  I just got so depressed I had to quit my job.  It was kind of a slow creep but it got to the point I had to try not to hurt myself at my desk so that I could go home.  I worked at a really fantastic call center.  It was different in the fact we only take calls and don't do any cold calling or outbound sales.  I was actually making more money than I ever had at any other job and was feeling confident in my sales ability.  Eventually the job started wearing on me and I missed a couple of days of work and that affected the pay structure so I was making less, I was struggling more with calls and often found myself arguing with customers about why they aren't buying the product rather than closing the sale or abandoning the call. It all came to a head when I started considering suicide.  I kept it to myself and held out for as long as I could and ended up literally lying in bed and crying when my girlfriend tried to get me to move around or even mentioned work. Finally I just quit when it became apparent that I was thinking more and more about suicide.   

I quit before I could find a new job and this is the first time in over 5 years I haven't been working consistently.  Considering I'm on the younger side of this I've been  working for 1/4th of my life and its stressful not to have a job even if its temporary.  I have a lot of anxiety I'm dealing with now but I feel a lot better after just quitting. I even cleaned the whole house and revamped my resume to relieve some of that anxiety. I just don't know what else to do to manage the depression.  My diet is fine and I've been trying to exercise and practice good sleep hygiene but it's been difficult.  I don't want to go back on medication since I never found one that worked well but I don't know what else to do to manage the empty feeling that nothing I do matters.

I just want to preface this by saying I don't remembe if I was abused sexually and I'm stil just confused in general but I've been getting flashbacks and have a registered sex offender in my family no one cared was around children and who knows who else.  Just a confused vent. Thanks for being here everyone.


Ive been having some terrifying nightmares lately.  This last one was really sexually violent regrading family members and involved my sister getting raped.  I'm not sure if I should ask her if she remembers anything or not as she is generally very fragile.  I just don't know what to do in regards to this right now.  It seems like any time I forget what did or could have happened my body finds a way to bring it right back up.  My sister is the only one I have contact with in my family. I considered opening contact again with others but I think it's for the best I don't and Im kinda unsure about keeping the relationship with my sister too.  I just feel drained and I'm angry that I had to wake up frightened. 

I'm just feeling kinda invalidated lately and have a hard time admitting what happened.  So regarding the following experience is it abuse?

We only ever had a clear shower curtain and no lock on the door.  My mom would always come in to the bathroom when I was showering and comment pretty graphically on my developing body.  Lots of it centered on how attractive I was getting or chubby.  School clothes shopping involved a lot of her in the dressing room with me feeling to make sure bras fit and checking clothing as well. She pressured me into wearing the most revealing clothing possible calling me prude if I didn't like it.  After spending basically all day shopping we would get home really late and she would make me model my new outfits in front of her no matter how hungry or tired I was. Still making me change in front of her.  It was at this point or when my stepdad noticed something a little too low cut she would start shaming me for liking the clothes she picked out saying some variaton of it being slutty/trashy.  She also only bought me clothes or shoes the night before school started so I had no choice but to go shopping for hours and hours or go a full year without clothing or have holey shoes that didn't fit. 

She would constantly warn me about how I was probably going to be raped if I did this or that.  Then she would make me do things that would actually put me in danger like leaving me alone with a convicted child molester that beat his wife half to death. Or she would get super high and invite friends over that werent shining examples of moral character. Or not pick me up for several hours after I was done working near a busy truck stop after telling me how dangerous it was to be there at night.

I was frequently sick because of other neglect and abuse but she would insist on bringing me to one creepy doctor over and over who would hold my hands and compliment my eyes and say how pretty I was.  Or let my brothers creepy teenage friends stay over without him around. One of whom is now convicted of rape and another did make sexual comments about me. 

As soon as I could remember she would tell me in graphic detail about her sex life or lack thereof.  When I was old enough she would ask if I was gay since I didn't have a boyfriend and when I did she would push birth control on me like no other. When I finally asked for birth control and said it was for sex she started crying in the doctors office.  From that point she would set up opportunities for me to have sex then shame me for it later.  She would ask invasive questions about my sex life trying to live vicariously through me.

I just don't know what to think right now just kinda reexamining what I thought was normal.