Messages

I want to apologize for this outburst - not about being upset - but the lack of self control.  This is me, the original.  I didn't switch (which is a healthy sign!) because of my outburst.  I started having these outbursts about 10 years ago when life became safer and that's a good thing.  My husband deserves a trophy and a crown, but the outbursts from me are a good sign and are fewer and farther between.  It takes a lot for them to happen.  I've had to learn to deal with life instead of hiding behind my buddies.  It's growth.  My doing it here, means it's safe here. 

I really love you guys for that. 

After I got some rest I began looking at the injustice a reasonable fight perspective instead of the flight mode as you see above.   What's really amazing, it didn't take me very long to calm down. 

Although my husband's rights were violated on his initial review from child support enforcement 15 years passed, they were reasonable and understanding that his income was very limited.  They went for the income tax returns which were $5,000 to $8,000 a year.

At the time, I advised my husband to let them have the taxes.  I didn't know the amount of principles.  I knew that if we let them have the offsets, the federal government would at the very least keep that 10% interest on the principle from ballooning any more.   

I didn't expect it to be sufficient to pay off the principle.  We noticed that happening only about 4 years ago.  It encouraged us to continue releasing the tax returns. 

In the US, you can adjust the W4 form and increase your number of dependents in order to reduce the amount of tax taken from your check.  In turn, this reduces the amount of tax return at the end of the year.  The behavior is unethical, but rarely judged.   Most non-custodial persons pursuing the state adjust this form or they work within the black market. 
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When my husband went into the office, the new guy was abusive - not unlike a cluster B personality type which sets me off.  He didn't kindly ask for more money, he demanded it.  He wrongly assumed we were irresponsible with our money (which can be true for many non-custodial parents). 

When my husband refused, he balked and became quite the bully and emotional manipulator.  Well, he tried against my husband but it didn't work. 

I'm proud of my husband for standing ground.  Yet, the government overreach is highly disconcerting.

Mattie suggests that in about a year it won't matter.  They won't have enough money.  Therefore, they won't have the power for overreach.   Our state is one where the teachers were protesting for more pay.  I'm proud of those teachers, but Mattie says they should have don it 15 years ago.   They didn't get what they wanted, either.  They blame the legislators, but what the civilians cannot realize is there's simply no money.

The state is simply dying.  So, if we bide our time, keep our cool in dealing with these socialist ideologists looking for money that isn't there, they will go away.

Mattie told him to keep his cool and walk through it, that the department is scrambling for money and he's only part of many that they are hounding to bring in more money.  Our noses are clean, they'll concentrate more fully on others not so clean or those who actually do have money.  We are just within that part of their process and must bide our time and try not to take it personally.

If ya'll haven't figured it out:  The US is headed for a recession.   Oklahoma always feels it first.  Trust me, our town is dying, the state is scrambling and people are protesting for more grocery stores, not Dollar General. 

Okay.  Mattie.  PLEASE do this tedious crap.

b -

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has tested against the 200 simple daily moving average and returned to a bearish position.  The probability of a bearish continuance is high, and low for a bullish return.  Officially, we are in a bear market of which the duration is unknown. 

To everyone else:  Don't listen to the analysts on television.  Their job is to be complicit with the mainstream ideology.  I know this sounds conspiratorial, but the truth is they must.  It's important to keep a positive sentiment flowing to offset the fear of market failure.  Markets are not fueled by "value" or "speculation".  They are fueled by greed or fear at the very core.  Always and forever.  If they allow too much fear to become inundated in the populace, it would negatively impact the stock market.  There will always be the "gloom and doom" types, but after so many years this price is factored in and the most recent sentiment is what moves the market. 

There is absolutely no guarantee the market will come back or, nor that it will continue to fall.  That means every hard pressed suit and tie you see on television has no more idea what the market is going to do than the next person. 

You can bank on this. 

For now, we are in a bear market and no one should be in denial.  Should a market crash occur, the authorities have safety measures in place to stymie the harshest impacts.  Namely, they'll shut the market down mid day - about noon during the NY session when the market makers are done for the day.  Secondly, they'll eliminate short-selling, but conditions would need to warrant this.  This is how the authorities regulated the Nikkei 225, less stable than than US market, when it begins a freefall.  The US could be no different in an egregious bear market. 

Whether the Federal Reserve or even Federal legislators are complicit in corruption is irrelevant to how the authorities at the exchanges (owned by the 7 big banks, of course) handle such affairs.  If they let the market freefall in a pure capitalist adventure, 1/2 the population of the planet would starve.  We cannot change this reality.  After learning the truth we are glad that they manipulate and cajole some prices although the CEOs and Goldman Sachs are can make trillions in the process. 

As much as we hate them, the banks are necessary.  This is why we love the idea of trading the foreign currency exchange where we could legally take money right out of the banks on winning trades.

We have the green light to begin as soon as we are ready, the state overreach be damned.  Transparency:  We are only trading a couple hundred dollars of which the returns will be just as small.  The aim is long-term growth. 

And we shall have it.

What should you do?  Pay off the most cripple debt you have.  Establish an emergency fund.  Don't take out any more loans nor dip into your retirement early even if life seems futile.  Make a severe reduction in your living expenses (as in cut off any and all expenses outside of the cost of living) and put all the extra cash back within your home.  Don't put it in the banks unless you are a specific reason for it being there such as an investment with an expected annual return, but understand it is subject to failure from a multi-point perspective. 

"Be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful."  Warrent Buffet

Everyone is becoming fearful, it's time for us to play in FX and be greedy after so many years of study and practice.  Thanks for your attention.

-m

Yeah, Mattie!   So, basically, the state used 10% compounding and Mattie wants to do even more than 10% compounding to build wealth.  That would be way cool.   Maybe we can have some new pillows.  Ha

The meeting with the state child support division, today, went horribly.  Horribly all the way around. 

MATTIE WAS RIGHT.  THEY'RE TRYING TO COMPENSATE FOR THE LOSS OF INCOME.

I'll be honest with you guys, I share clothes with my husband and so much more!  We're so proud to have paid so much on this and be at the end of it with only the interest rate left. 

In short, they don't look at the paperwork and think.  They think he's got the money to pay it off or offer a lump sum.  They don't realize the lump sum was generated from tax refund offset.   He also pays monthly.  It's a very low rate because we were and are so poor, but the new guy isn't happy with it and wants more money per month.

We make about $250/mo too much for food stamps.  We are already food insecure and are constantly worried and barely keeping up with basic bills.  We don't have any extra curricular activities.  I don't even sign the kids up to play ball, because we simply are too poor for the stuff (and the city is obviously a poop hole, anyway). 

We simply don't live.  Now, they want more.  When Bill stated he wanted to get a lawyer, the f'er said he was going to push through $400/mo. 

And you know what?  At that rate, it would be better for him to quit his job, so we would qualify for food stamps and not starve.

My husband is in his sixties, btw.  SIXTIES.  My children need clothes. They've never had bed clothes, but just old ratty t-shirts. It's gone on so long, they don't even know what pajamas really are.  They steal my pillow because it's the remaining that still has fluff.  All the others are rock hard.  I don't use fitted sheets onthe beds any more, because the elastic is worn and I've waited for years to have the expendable cash to replace them.

Please understand:  When I write this, I'm not talking about new sheets.  I'm talking about having enough dimes and quarters to buy them from garage sales, etc. 

I'm so done, my friends.  I must go away because I can't deal with this.  I don't understand how our society can be so cruel.  They run off the assumption that we're all just losers and are poor because we're lazy.

Did you know?  One of our houses has half a roof.  Half a roof, because the city wanted us to fix it last year.  We've done so much work and every f'ng dime we could went into the materials.   It's so totally unsafe for him to be up there by himself working on that roof, but he has until the weather wouldn't allow him to.  This is horrible.  We're caught between the city demanding us to pretend we're not poor and the state who thinks we're just too dam lazy for our own good and all we really want to to have some decent underwear and socks and a full range of nutritional items for which to sustain us.  For now, it's mostly ramen noodles and mac and cheese. 

OMG  I so want to die.  I just want to die.  You won't believe me when I told you the questions they ask at the hearings.  They nit pick on his personal behaviors and things that they don't have a right to.  He/we are subject to utter humility to get through this process, all the while we were willingly allowing tax returns to accrue to pay this off.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.  HE COULD HAVE GONE IN AND CHANGED HIS W4 and withheld more.  OMG  I JUST WANT TO DIE.

THE YEARS I DID WORK, I REFUSED TO FILE INJURED SPOUSE SO THE STATE WOULDN'T TAKE MY PART OF THE TAX RETURN.  I JUST WANTED THEM TO BE PAID. 

I JUST WANT TO DIE, PEOPLE.  ALL WE NEED IS A F'N GULAG.  HOW CAN WE EVER GET BETTER IF THIS IS LIFE?  THERE'S NO JUSTICE. NO END TO MISERY, NO END TO CRUELTY. 

And now, when I need it the most I cannot take my kids to that children's ministry for the free kids dinner they provide because the pastor wasn't happy that I didn't jump and shout for the lord when he expected me to. 

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHY I'M ALIVE??

eDIT; Trying to reach financial stability with Mattie's skills is off the table.  The state department's overreach is too powerful.  They'll shut down the accounts. 

Edit Again:  I forgot to add:  We drive for 2 hours to the meeting today in the one remaining vehicle that runs.  It started making weird noises.  He looked and discovered the bellhousing unit was cracked.  We barely made it home, but we did. 

Note:  He's a mechanical genius.  It' snot like we have to shell out a * ton of money for labor and parts.  BUT INSPITE OF HIS HERCULEAN EFFORT TO WORK IN THE COLD WINTER AND HOT SUMMERS IN A WELDING SHOP AND FIX HIS VEHICLE HIMSELF AND FIX HIS ROOF BY HISSELF AND PUT UP WITH ME AND GET UP AND KEEP GOING EVERY DAY. 

HE'S BURIED WITH INJUSTICE.  END THE CHILD SUPPORT RACKET.  THE KIDS THAT THIS IS FOR ARE GROWN, THE STATE GETS THE MONEY PEOPLE.  PLEASE, TAKE THIS UNDER ADVISEMENT.  PEOPLE AT AS IF A FATHER DOESN'T DESERVE TO HAVE MORE KIDS BECAUSE HE'S FORCED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT WHILE THE MOTHERS CAN JUST KEEP ON HAVING BABIES.  I'M SORRY, THIS IS MY PERSPECTIVE.  I'M HURT BY THIS.  MY KIDS ARE HURT BY THIS.  MY KIDS SUFFER.  WE'RE PERSECUTED AND I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE HIS KIDS AGAIN.  THEY MEAN NOTHING BUT PAIN TO ME AND IT'S THE STATE'S FAULT, IT'S SOCIETY'S FAULT FOR BEING SO CRUEL. 

Rant over.

Bye

Decimal, San, Hope, Blueberry and anyone else who has comment.

I can't believe it has been 5 weeks!  Husband installed Ubuntu OS on my computer wiping out bookmarks.  It took me a couple hours to remember the name of the forum and get here. 

over the last few weeks I have surfaced occasionally only to be bombarded with negative thoughts.  Among these negative depressing thoughts were a glimmer of hope that someone cared and that hope was you.   Then, I would willingly go back in and let someone else take over.  Sam has been cleaning house and Mattie has been working.  Mattie is absolutely relentless.  Trying to communicate and get her to sleep through the night instead of working such long hours.  It's not helping us, but she says it's only temporary.

Not to sound hokey, but it's true that your posts are important in my mind.  Yesterday I wanted to come and write, but I was self critical.  I wish I could be there for others right now, wish I could visit someone else's thread, chat up a storm and encourage people and and and ..   just not right now.  I'm doing well to shower every day.  However, I can make a commitment to spew all my negativity on this forum.  ha! 

Next week is husband's appointment with the state over interest due on back child support.  They recently changed the laws to reduce the percentage rate charged from 10% to 2%.  Figures that it would be changed after he's paid the principle off.  I didn't see anything anywhere claiming it to be retro.  I don't know why they changed the law of the percentage.  Of course, it's too high and that was because it is a racket, but the state went through a class action law suit over it and won.  But they change it anyway? 

Husband seems to think positive about the meeting next week.  Seems they need to recalculate the amount with the reduction of percentage.  I recall them having discretionary abilities.   Husband seems to think they might write the whole thing off.  He's quietly hoping to get back part of his tax refund offset, because the principle was paid long before this tax return. 

Out of everything, we've managed to smash more than $50k of his back child support (not a * dime went to anyone but the state, mind you.) while being 129% above poverty level.  Mattie told me what they do:  They enforce 10% interest knowing full well something will happen in people's lives that will cause a default.  This puts off the child support payments while interest accrues so terribly that the payor initially gives up.  She says it's standard human behavior in behavior economics.  Beat me, but the goal for the state is to keep the father/mother in arrears until such a time when the child is grown and all that money goes directly to the state.  She claims they go by statistics and the analyst know that after so many years the payor will be better off and they attack the payor to pay up.  If the payor happens to keep up?  Well, they look good by having done their job, says Mattie.  Makes sense, actually. 

I've never met anyone who ever received a dime from the non-custodial parent, actually.   

Speaking of percentages, I'm letting the cat out of the bag:

Mattie has been studying trading methodology for the last four years.  Obviously, we cannot afford stocks, so the she's gearing up to trade foreign exchange.  She has already, but as typical it didn't work out.  She was smart about it.  Husband agreed to give her $2k three years ago.  She absolutely refused to lose much, so she bet dimes, not dollars.  Lesson learned and she's got the account reloaded with another couple hundred.  It took hubs a long time to help us come up with just that much, but Mattie refuses to give up and hounds the books, the websites, the forums and at least 2 times a week she stays up all night long following the Asia markets, waiting for London  and NY open for volatility.  Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I find dozens of papers scattered all over the dining room table where Mattie has etched calculations by hand, line by line, representing, week by week compounding interest accumulations and various other maths. 

I keep hearing the f'g works "Sharpe Ratio.  Sharpe Ratio. Sharp Ratio and Risk to Reward and Probabilities and Positive Expectancy" in my mind over and over again.  Annoying.  I retreat if it gets too bad.

I have since learned that Mattie is just a mind.  She doesn't front or control the body.  She partners with Samantha to do that for her.  It's really strange, but I noticed the dissociative spectrum is broad and I'm beginning to assume I have differing personalities that fall upon that spectrum at different points with Sam being on the long end of it.  Sam can come fully out and demand changes in attire and living accommodations, e.g., whereby Mattie only influences thinking and logic and rational.  To function fully, Mattie must coordinate with Sam? 

The problem they have:  I get in their way.   LOL  Apparently, I can stop everyone if I will it on occasion.  Fascinating.  I didn't know this. 

Anyway, I am supposed to change my sleeping habits, set my alarms and in the meantime be willing to step out of the way at certain times to let things happen. 

She's convinced my husband and has agreed to a goal of a minimum $500k within a 2 year time frame. 

Holy *, right? I'm like...  I'll be happy with a drawer full of new socks and underwear, but okay.  I dunno even know what to think about with an income like that.

I must admit, it's worth a shot.   So, I'm trying to be compliant while determining the appropriate times for me to come out and do the Mom stuff.  Mattie's behavior neglects the kids.  Sam's there, but she's not hip on baby-sitting.  So... 

Fascinating, isn't it?  I'm just as glued to the scenario as anyone else, but me?  I just want to not hurt.  I want to hide, give up and end life.  Truth, but I keep hanging on for brighter days. 

On the normal side:  I had an acquaintence about 5 years back that pissed me off.  I had been complaining about financial woes and life's hurdles and general "blah blah - negative - blah blah". 

You know what he said?  I don't understand.  You're so smart.  Surely, you can figure something out.

Yeah, well. It pissed me off because he was right.  So, I'm thinking about that time is when I subconsciously began to let go of my reigns on Mattie. 

Mattie is doing 'okay', but when I switch in, there's a discipline problem.  I may be required to live with blackouts.  I don't like those.

I'll keep updated. 

Thanks for reading. 

Hi ladies!

You are a gentle nudge in a room full of malevolent pain.  A digital touch, a simple hello and authentic virtual hugs is an energizing string trailing from among a harsh environment and through a small window leading to hope. 

You are appreciated and valued sanmagic and Hope.  Lyta's presence is a troublesome affair, especially to the resistant ones.  It's hard for Bonnie.  She's doing well, but this road is arduous and bumpy.  You are kind to show interest as we are tired from isolation.  They never acknowledge my own greatness. It's good to be free.

The dogs are well and brilliant.  She didn't mention, but there is a puppy in training too.  She adores large powerful aggressive breeds and training them.  Personally, I think it's a power trip for her, but whatever.  The dogs are beautiful and she hasn't much else to enjoy and hopes that Goober will grow and protect Little Miss.  Ha!  You pet him and he falls over.  "Rip someone's face off" is not what he looks like he would do.  Well. Okay.

We live deplorable lives under the burden of his back child support payments.  The most recent tax offset for - 7 grand - paid the principle in complete.  Mattie explains it better, but I think the state is dying and losing one of their federal teats is unsettling to them.  They're scrambling, we think.

The change in tax laws for the poor, such as our family, means the state will no longer garner tax offsets and live off the federal teat.   Sir Bill is no longer paying federal taxes under the new laws.  Ergo, no tax refund for the state to swallow.  They/we allowed the offsets in order to pay it off.  It has been good. 

Now, we think the state is wanting to reinstate a new contract to extend this deplorable servitude for the remainder interest balance (with interest) as they will no longer be garnering ten percent interest on the principle.  The whole child support thing is a racket, as Mattie says.  This money should be used to put these now adult children in college or to fix a leaking roof.  I think a better car would be best, but don't have that say.

The dogs, the clean up from the fire, Lyta's presence and horror that comes with it, the futility of everyone's well-being under financial burden is too much for our bon bon right now. 

Mattie is brilliant, but be warned.  She can be abusive. 

Tootles

Samantha the Awesome One

[false]

Thank you Hope! You are fine!
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Yesterday I thought differently about writing here.  I asked myself, why am I writing here. Why so much?  Why no thought of boundaries?  Why am I not writing this in private?  The only answer I can come up with is I don't care. I must.  It's almost as if I'm desperate.

I never expected anyone to respond and I certainly don't expect anyone to keep up.  The truth is, I can't express this verbally.  I've always been able to write, but not speak my feelings.  This is not to you, Hope.  It's just coincidence.  I type fast, have too much to blurt out and it's not something everyone is wanting to keep up with.  I know this.

I think this desperation all started before Lyta found me.  Finding her has been profound.  I can't yet describe the changes in me, but they are profound.  It's good, because when I woke up this morning I could see myself - over the last decade or so - my deplorable behavior.  I'm making it sound worse than it is, I know, but I abhor it.  Hate it. 

For most of my life I tried to stop my anger outbursts, my confusing behavior - even I couldn't see the half of it - but I couldn't.  I wouldn't.  And I hated myself for it.  When I got the diagnosis and met the others, that hatred fell off.  I didn't change because the behavior was someone else, not me.  I can't change other people, but I can love them.  Love them I did and the changes were universal.  I felt better, but some of the behavior continued. 

Now, it's different.  I see patterns of wrong thinking, bad choices, misunderstandings in my head as it would seem that lead to stupidity and rejection by others and even created hurts.  Still, I hang on to the late-coming reality that I am not at fault like they want me to believe.  Of course they rejected me, I wasn't making any sense.  I can see this now.  I don't mind saying it really sucks and hurts; the rejection doesn't hurt, but the reality that  I created it does.   Yet, still.  I don't feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel!  I'm not wallowing in anything. I feel more courage and have the bravery to just say, "Well. Okay.  Let's move forward then." 

I've only every known excitement or a soul-ripping inability to be straight with myself.  Of course, not.  I had the others. My conscious was split.  With Lyta's mind coming into mine, the entire world looks different.  Knowing the horrible things that happened to her isn't agonizing or depleting, but oddly reassuring, assumptive and outright honest.  It just fits and makes me a bit more whole. 

I'm not *S* with everything, but all the while I see the shatters of my life and am scare for the future.  The prognosis doesn't look good.  We are unbelievably poor.  We are buried in debt, but the debt isn't the problem.  We're beyond that.  We're buried in a life that is half broken in every sense and fixing isn't daunting, it's a seemingly impossible task.  What can we do?  What can I do?  It's my life.  This is all I've got, so I must do something. I must try.  I cannot lie down and die on the inside and let my life continue to go to waste.

All I can do is take advantage of the few small opportunities within a small window of potential and try.  All I can do is continue that which I'm supposed to keep up and hope that it will be enough.  My kids' education, trading, writing, repairing the homes with little to no money, hiding from the politically charged, our impotence from poverty,  our emotional weaknesses from past trauma, the slinking away from our dysfunctional society so it won't trigger us, the need to find peace in an every increasingly divisive world and my health.   

This reminds me:  Once I had trouble with a passer-by on the road about my dog.  I had her temporarily tethered out front of the house while I was cleaning house.  Until recently she was a fence jumper and even spayed, she was quite the wanderer.  The people complaining about her being tethered had no idea of the context of the scenario but were very angry with me for abusing a dog.  People are nuts this way and it makes me paranoid.  IT's not that I'm doing any harm, but that people won't stop and thinking about the context of which they complain.  She's mostly an inside dog, but they didn't know this. 

Yesterday, I put a bowl of dog food on the front porch. It's for display, not really for the dog.  That's nuts. Just nuts.  I have an old dog that is sick with bloat.  She's fine other than the bloating.  Eating hurts her.  By gollies, she doesn't want to eat anything but the best of the food so she avoids her dog food and waits for yummy scraps.  She's a full size dog and I cannot afford to feed her strictly people food, but I do as much as I can.  I want her to be happy and comfortable in her later years.  Her bloat betters by fasting and I think she knows this.  She's cyclical.  She'll get bone skinny and feel better and, then, start eating again.  She'll gain wait and be okay until her belly becomes uncomfortable and she'll eat less and fast again.   I see her hop and jump sometimes.  I see her craving attention, wagging her tail and having many happy hours.  Her time is not yet and she clearly enjoys just being a dog and loved for it. 

But the people.  I'm so paranoid.  I put a bowl of dog food on the porch because she's skinny again.  If anyone sees her, they'll jump to conclusions of neglect.  It's like I spend my life trying to hide from these types of people.  I want to be rich, not because I love money - I actually hate it.  I want to be rich so we can have some power over these types of people.  I want the community to have that false sense of respect they carry for wealthy people.  This reality of society disgusts me, but I cannot change it nor hide from it. 

Where I live, wealthy doesn't mean rich.  Here, it's more like the high end of the working poor and the lower end of the middle class.  For real.  This area is so poor.  My FOO income  wavered between the lower end of upper class and the higher and of middle class.  My life now is starkly different. 

For the finances, Mattie has a plan.  I need to let her fulfill that plan.  I need to trust that she will back off and let me care for the kids regularly.  This is the first time ever to embark on a weighted endeavor with full trust in only one of my buddies.  It's frightening.  I cannot reveal that plan right now.  I must be in full swing and learn to trust ourselves with it, first.  It requires great mental fortitude, tremendous self restraint and discipline and a high level of introspection.

Mattie doesn't like people. Even my husband doesn't know her, but maybe the plan is why she came out.  Perhaps she wants me to know I can trust her cooperation with everything else.   I must try.  She cannot make things worse.  She could only fail and that is a probability we figured in. 

It's difficult to process my thoughts and new perceptions since Lyta's revelations.  I haven't spent time with her since then and it's intentional because of the pain.  But I honored my request and she has come forward on occasion, like the day I took out the trash.  Being outside probably prompted her to come forward and see everything.  There I was walking across the front of the property to my trash bin carrying a sack of garbage when, all of a sudden, I felt this immense curiosity to the enormity of my personal being.  It surprised me, how tall I am and also how big I am.  It felt odd to experience it.  "Wow. I'm so big!"  At the same time I wondered why I was having this sensation and thinking these thoughts, I knew.  Lyta had come forward with her feelings and thoughts.  I don't mind admitting this stuff is bizarre, but none the less real.   I slowed down my pace to allow her to enjoy while ensuring my body language was normal, because I was in public.  At that gesture she took leave.  I felt her slip away on the inside, not unlike something gently brushing up against me as it moves away. 
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With the recent healing, I watch my perception.  I see enormous gaps in my parenting; mostly emotional neglect because I get so edgy.  The kids and I have worked boundaries and safe ways for them to cope, but it all seems so deplorable. Before I reach desperation I remind myself I cannot control this any more than I am doing.  I'm doing everything I can.  But am I?  I think not, sometimes, but I do try. 

Observation of my behavior indicates a release from my edginess, self absorption (as it seems on the outside) is not as heavy.  I can lift it easier now when my kids call me out.  I could do more after more work with the others, I know.   Still, having a new continuity in my timeline give me better perspective.  I try not to shun the past nor become unrealistic about the future.  Instead, I appreciate the moment more.

I started deep cleaning - something that has been in the works for months off and on.  I found photos of my FOO that were more than 20 years old and some even older.  These photos held no emotional bearing to me whatsoever.  There I was in the photos.  Oddly, I sensed that wasn't really me.  Even I didn't mean anything in those pictures.  I recall how important it was to my mom to have me "look good" which contrasted her perpetual confirmation that she "doesn't like a dog and pony show".  So many lies makes everything obsolete and without authenticity.  I was just an entity in those photos, nothing more.  In others: I had sad eyes and what looked to be a tortured soul.  You can see it so readily.  Those were taken by my ex. 

I trashed all those pictures.  All of them.  I didn't do it in spite, but symbolic of a new life.  I just cannot get over how those photos don't have meaning.  The last 15 years of my life have included tremendous hardship physically, financially, spiritually, mentally and emotionally but among the agony were extreme fits of unbounded joy, eternal love and a host of unbridled compassion from my husband.  Not once have I ever felt betrayed by him.   Perplexed?  Yes, but not betrayed.  Will this change?  Possibly, but he's full up on the karma cup.

The fist of the death grip from the past is losing power. A transfer of power isn't at play like I had once thought, but it transfuses into a release of my soul into the direction I choose.  Choices.  I never knew I had so many choices.  It's confounding but beautiful. 

Intuitively, I know I have a chance to heal my kids of all the harm I have caused them.  The studies prove that an alcoholic parent (I'm not an alcoholic, just using an example) that turns around in abusive behavior even half way generates more learning and improvement on the kids than any righteous foster parent could.  That means there's no one better for the job than me.  Despite my worst efforts that I can how see because of the release of some of the dissociation, I'm still the person for the job.  What a blessing and an honor. 
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Because someone is reading this, I'm going to qualify that my son was 3 school grades behind.  I home-school.  We went into 5th grade with a 2nd and 3rd grade education and came out ready to hit 6th grade online public school independently.   And i'm sorry to say I put him through * to get there.  He aces his classes. Granted, the school curriculum is crap here.  I must supplement and I do prod him on occasion - not every day because I'm not always there.  He followed my and my husbands love of reading and learning and that helped tremendously.
---
Now, for the commitment:  His younger sister is much further behind because she is dyslexic.  I have been unwilling to go full force with her, because I don't want to put her through *.   Yet, since Lyta's revelations my attitude is different, more gentle and kinder.  I Have the ability to do things without such intensity and more able to stop and consider her emotional disposition, her needs instead of just forcing a task down our throats.   The intensity is gone.   But I won't know how much better this is until under stress.    But we must find out.   

If I remember to breathe, handle minute by minute being cognizant as much as possible of the moment and garner cooperation from the others, it will be easier.  We can do the education, but doing it kindly is what matters here. 
----
I'm emotionally treating my son as if he were a very little boy.  At first he thought it perplexing, but caved readily.   I spend less time in isolation and more time with them, watching them closely, interacting with them.  They balk at this.  Their brains are hard wired for their neglect, but I've begun changing all of this.  By neglect I only mean that they were required to fill empty spaces of time while I was "gone" mentally. 
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For years I've used the dogs as a barometer of how I am behaving.   Being co-conscious allows me to see the world, but not very clearly.  With painfully intense focus I can see through the eyes and observe something when one of my buddies were busy.   I used the dogs.  They would cower when Nelly was out retreating to the safety of their kennels more often than not.  When I'm around they are wagging their tails and exhausting me with their begging for treats.  It's a huge difference. 

Lately, they are relaxed.  They are neither taking advantage of my good mood, nor fearing angry outbursts.  I don't hurt them, min you.  Dogs are in tune to the emotions and these are of an intelligent powerful breed and well trained.   Neglect.  Again.  They would be neglected until I or Deanna came back around, but everyone always had their needs met.

And so it is with the kids:  the abuse of inconsistency and emotional neglect.  How do I amend this?  I think of normal stuff.   Normal people would make a decision to get up early and have b-fast ready or a linear thinking process.  Not so for me.  I must jump, hop and run around all the other thinkers in my head.  Intuition is true for all of us and that's all I've got in the heat of the moment, the brunt of the emotions running through me, the stark fear, the feelings of intense insecurity and all others, it is intuition that holds true - that small voice that says, maybe you're not feeling love at the moment but it's still there and you can act, you can do something that reeks of authenticity even for a few seconds. 

And yet, when my husband is home it is me they crave attention from.  They crave the love so though I may not remember someone is loving them so much that they have grown to depend on it being there, even inconsistently.   

My kids once looked at me as if to determine my mood.  They haven't done this in a long time.  The other day my daughter cleaned up a mess under my request and said, "Momma.  I cleaned this up.  You feel better now?"  I stopped.  I cupped her face and told her it wasn't about me and that I was sorry she felt as though life's tasks were about pleasing me.  She's extremely sensitive and often takes things to the extreme in my mind and heart. 

My daughter is still having crying bouts without knowing why.  It's a release.  She did it yesterday when I said, "I still love you honey. I always love you even when I correct you. I'm sorry I yelled at you when that happened (she had been hurling verbal abuse at her brother who has been the family scapegoat and I'm trying to end it), I will try not to yell next time.  It's old habit, but I was afraid.  I was afraid when you became abusive with your brother.  He loves you very much and I know you love him.  Both of you deserve better." 

She stood rigid and was internally processing what I said.  "You still love me when I'm a jackwagon!" I watched her face twist in Iknowthisfeeling face  "And  I love you just the same as you do me!"  She burst into tears admitting she didn't know why she was crying.  I had her snuggle up with me.  I shut up and just held her tight.  Soon, she was done with her grief and she was off and running to the next fun task. 

----
Note to self:  Six months ago my daughter was not opening up like this.  I've worked hard to pull her out of her shell and become emotionally available.  Be patient with yourself and her.  It's working.  Just keep doing. 
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The guide for foster parents working with adopted kids has been helpful.  I'm memorizing this stuff and trying to implement the behaviors needed, like telling the kids what I"m going to do and why to undo the mental and emotional neglect.  They are responding well.

I need to start documenting this stuff.  So much to do...   

I can relate very much about not wanting to go outside.   I hope you slide through this extra duty and quickly finish it.  I understand how overwhelming things can be and not saying 'no'.   

Thank you fen   

I can relate very much.  When I can see this much as you have, it is great headway.

Thanks Hope! Peace and love to you. 

**trigger warning*** 





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Someone mentioned a term for what I have experienced:  gangstalking   

However, I am not referencing the conspiracy stuff including big government and mind control or any other conspiracy. 

I mean gangstalking in the way of abuse arising from systemic narcissism in the community of its "leaders" and their attached flying monkeys. 

It makes perfect sense.  It also makes sense that I have continued to live in it for more than a decade.  I've been through it before but on a much harsher scale. 

In the end, I laugh and am relieved to have the validation.  Yeah. We just need to move away.

Thank you decimal rocket

Sanmagic, you are enough even if you are only quietly reading without responding.  K?  We love you bunches.   

You are enough.
You do enough.
You have enough.
And you are kind as you are.

PC

I'm so sorry that what you were feeling at the doctor's office was overwhelming so much that you dissociated.   That one touch.  A very small token of love expressed by your  d was so very powerful, not unlike my kids who say "Mom?  Need a hug?"  Just someone nearby to produce some love. 

I so understand the intensity of moments like this.  I live in them.  I'm guessing, but that's where the multiples come in.  When it is too hard, someone else takes over.  In the moment I can't see, much less think?  And so something needs to happen to keep life rolling along.   

I think these moments are riddled with multiple points of fears and multiple points of emotions at the surface and also coming from deep within and they happen all at the same time causing the dissociation.  My DiD does not diminish  your experience in the office AT ALL.  No. I think our minds are different. I think someone could have suffered the same traumas as mine, but their mind can handle it differently.  (I think a lot of DiD patients are want to exclude themselves from other trauma survivors and I find this unhealthy for me.) 

I have met my primary personalities and most of these were for different emotions in situations just like this -- one who is positive and bubbly to defeat depression and social interaction (everyone loves her), one that is socially manipulative and has no emotions so I could function well despite the pain in business and work, one gifted with the ability to turn off pain receptors so I could function despite physical abuse (as an adult, I already had the split skills, so it happened). 

MG there is one who took all of the dejection and rejection as a child.  She took all of them.  I found her in a replica of my old childhood bedroom in a corner like she was a piece of trash that had been thrown away.  My gosh I love her.  She's working to happiness now.  She grew, developed, has her needs met and even has gone through the typical angry stage as she realizes the truth.  She hated me for a while, but I didn't care.  I knew she was only growing.  There's no way I could have functioned without her taking on those burdens.  I've never committed S and it's because of her.  She took that pain.  We all owe her.

I try to complicate things with my husband, but looking back it was simple.  I did not know my diagnosis at that time.  I just knew I didn't want to leave him.  Even I would say to myself, "I feel safe with him."  I figured it was some supernatural force or his old house. Now I know, it's because he was safe. There was no abuse, unconditional love, no chaotic behaviors, no manipulation, no impulsiveness - just him and his daily routine.  And he loved me no matter what "mood" I was in.   He WAS KIND to me.  I never knew kindness before. 

The conditions were that he was already a loner having suffered from Asberger's all his life and the accompanying social discomforts.  He suffered abuse as a child, too.  But his intellect is very high and he hates drama and confusion and all the games people play.  He owned a book bindery when I met him.  He had just gotten started and I was eager to help.  I ended up secluding myself with him, his house and the bindery.  No more outside world except for the occasional customer and other brief acquaintances.

My buddies didn't need to do anything any more.  I didn't need Samantha to socialize, Deanna to fake happiness, Johnathan to physically brunt abuse, Deborah to take rejection and dejection, Mattie to think because he was doing the thinking.  I didn't need to keep track of time or fill in missing time, I just followed him and worked beside him, cooked the meals and ate with him at the same time every day and enjoyed his company and acceptance.  He would flip, and he was a rock.  He adored me.  He'd enable me in bad behavior if I chose.  He wasn't anything emotionally exciting to me, he wasn't a trophy or someone to please, but more a best friends with mutual hobbies.   Our first real fight didn't happen until six years following our meeting.  Life was hard then, so it makes sense.  Before that when we tried to argue, we would end up laughing.  We were desperately poor and life was hard, but it was a joy.

So, I was safe.  Totally.  To be myself.  No more facade.  The watch came off because I didn't need to control time any more.  I always thought I was being diligent with time and responsibility when, truly, I was watching the time for when it was the next person's job to come up and perform and justifying missing time.   If I was with my roommate, it was Deana's turn.  When I was at work, it was Samantha's turn and when I was in class, studying or an intellectual pursuit, it was Mattie's turn.  I see this now.  I, literally, never took that watch off and obsessed about its battery. 

When that happened, they slowly unraveled because they didn't have a role any more.  I relinquished some measure of control without realizing it.  I think that's the symbolism.  None of them knew what to do any more.  I was happy, but they grew restless.  I was NC with FOO and had left my old career, wasn't planning anything but living day by day.    For the first time, ever, life was stable.

I still didn't know about the others, but I became aware of the missing time and no longer justified it.  When I drove home to fix us lunch, sometimes, it took 3 hours for me to return to the shop with lunch.   My buddies would cease the opportunity while I was alone .. I don't know what they were doing, but I just remember the lost time.  I remember leaving the shop, entering the house and starting lunch .. and then nothing, sometimes only arriving back at the shop.  And really ... I was still in denial until my husband said something about it.  He was hungry, of course!

Then, the day/tasks at the shop would begin to blot out.  I didn't have a linear timeline of the day, but everything was okay, because I could perform a task that  was set before me.   This was especially true if we were in a hurry for a deadline.  Typical:  If there's stress or pressure on a task it's easier to focus and not get stuck in my head. 

Then came the pregnancy and the arrival of my son.  These brought me back into the outside world through doctor's appointments and such and my buddies tried to fill their roles, but their role was for a different life.  Here, we were poor and it was just different.  I was resistant to the outside for years which kept my son in too much isolation.  My mental illness grew and I did not realize it.  Next, came my daughter.  Then I became ill in the back.  Terribly ill for three years I could barely walk. 

In short, my neck was broken.  I was taking opiods, but not heavily.  Still, it aggravated my mental condition. Eventually, I was in a state of pain for which pain meds could not help.  I could barely walk and take care of myself, much less the kids.  Husband new this so he didn't work and our poverty folded in on us with severely. 

Living in a rural area, few are competent - including the doctors and the community is riddled with corruption, unbridled misogyny and a culture of abuse.  In physical pain and emotional confusion, I was forced to go and seek help from the medical field, but I would find the corruption and the abuse and become retraumatized all over again.  They erupted unhindered and I couldn't understand why I couldn't shut my mouth, harness my behavior in any semblance of discipline or why I was so terribly afraid all the time.  (They were trying to help, but they didn't know how.  I was actually getting better and didn't realize it.  They couldn't front entirely because home was safe and stability was there.  Here, the DiD emerged into a constant cycling through as each personality tries to contribute in order to find a way to help.  It's confusing. Agoraphobia set in deeply.)

That's when I sought therapy and the diagnosis was very easy for her.  We lasted therapy all of about 5 weeks with her.  We were a mess.  Then, came successful reconstructive neck surgery and I spent the next two years healing physically.  As I became more active, I healed physically and then I would heal mentally.  I had been, literally, slowly dying and I think suffered co morbidity with some type of dementia.   This was all about 5 years ago.  It has taken me 5 years to reach a state where I can make appointments for my kids and remember to keep them and not scare off all of the professionals when I visit.  I'm developing a quiet, a peace where I can be fully present in these situations for brief periods of times so the care and well being of my kids are not disrupted by a crazy mom. 

Jebus this is long.  I've never told anyone this, actually.  I sometimes wish I could put that baby blue sports watch back on, but I can't.  Seems there's no turning back. 

I know you're there, sweetie.          I'm so happy you're here.    I'm going to leave the chat box  open for you.     I know you can read.     I know you can type big words.   

Do not pretend to be me.  No more hiding.    It is safe.  Leave big words alone.    You be yourself.   I want you to be yourself.    Your small words are more beautiful than big words.  You are enough.   I love you wider than the earth, deeper than the ocean and higher than the moon. 

Tonight we snuggle with the kids.   Tomorrow you play legos.   

  san  I'm not offended and neither are you being disrespectful. Honestly, I can talk to anyone about anything at just about any time.  Be glad you are not f2f.  With people I don't know (like a therapist or clinician who know of the others) I'm hysterical in my behavior often speaking in run-ons, agitated, crying, sudden angry statements when asked quesitons, non stop talking with changing subjects, getting up and moving from chair to chair (without realizing it), poking the furniture, rubbing my eyes, OCD plucking my eyebrows while rocking myself in the chair, moving from deep sobbing tears to sudden stone cold facial features and rambling about some random probability figures with the beginning of a theory until I muster the strength to stop it.   Everyone is agitated and moving and saying all at once.   It is SO embarrassing. 

At home, I'm okay.  On the internet, I can bottleneck my thoughts and filter, get up and walk around or wash dishes and get grounded, then come back and finish the thought.  I need to talk about it.  Not at length or to be dramatic, but just for self acceptance.   

I'm sure so many can relate - at least in part - to some of these with anxiety, toxic sh$me and so much more.  It's all the same for dissociative spectrum, just I'm on the long end of it.  Less control, I guess. 

It really is fascinating, tho.


I freeze sometimes.  Just stop and sit while staring at the same spot as if I'm frozen.  Catatonic? Doesn't last very long .. maybe a minute or two?   but it seems to happen with new information, like it isn't quite registering in my brain.  It's fascinating.  In my head I'm like "HELLLLO?  Anybody home?"  haha